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are you always happy? even in despair, even in depression--do you realize the beauty of the situation? that all become depressed, that despair is avoided by none but is a natural stage of humanity. and in being depressed, are you happy that you are depressed? just where you are? just how you are?

are you depressed? but well fed? are you in despair over someone, but haven't the smallest inkling of worry that during your despair that somebody will burst into your home to slaughter you and kill your family? this may sound grim, but it's meant to sound appreciative. are you shivering wishing you had heat just to live? do you have the necessities of life that the majority of our family has historically not?

i spoke with beauty tonight, and let me tell you, she's beauuuutiful!  :) and the funny thing is i realize what i've always known. and i've always known this.

i. am. ok. i'm doing just fine. lol. depression? come on, you can kiss my ass. seriously? i've got so much support to weather it through. and furthermore i have so much guidance from others to help me navigate in the right direction. you silly concept, sadness, can be bought off with a pack of cigs and an ungodly portion of chocolate. cheap date you biotch.  :)

The initial depression was excruciating for me. I could feel the front part of my brain change. I can feel this when I start to fall back into it. There was no happiness. No relief. I cried a lot. If I got drunk it was worse. I would feel better for a short while when I would drink. Not even an hour. Then uncontrollable tears. Feeling even worse. Happiness? No. About three months of this. It's not completely gone. I can be happy now. I haven't cried in about five months. Give me just a little more time. I know more about what to expect. This is normal... .Whaaaaaat

I was a generally happy person before I met her, and some of the time we were happy together at the beginning, but she is a very unhappy person, perpetually, and she wants company there, so she started to erode that happiness with all the games they play, more accurately I let her.  Once we were 180 degrees from happy, mired in the pain of the disorder and how it shows up, I finally got a clue and left.  No happiness for a while, gloom and doom, rumination, depression, but then the happiness started peeking out again.  I can say now that I'm back to usually happy, still a little shell shocked from what ever the hell that was, but it's good to be finding myself again.

Always happy? No. By nature a positive person? Yes. Interesting question? Definitely.