|
Title: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: MrConfused on December 29, 2013, 12:21:51 PM How do you cope with wanting them back in your lives in some respect, even tho you know it's impossible/not good for you?
For me, the way it ended left me feeling terrible. I said some awful things at the end that, that pushed her so far away from me I know that it's highly unlikely she'll ever return. I basically told her exactly what she does to people & that she leaves wreckage everywhere she goes & that she'd left me broken over it. After that, I was pretty much dead to her, in the same realms as her previous abusive ex's. She changed all her contact details and ran off. My T says I keep trying to say sorry to her because deep down I want her to say sorry & I want her back so I don't feel guilty about what I said, even tho it was justified, which I guess is true. Not a day goes by without me wishing I'd done things differently or that she'd snap out of it and deal with our issues instead of running away & It's hard realising that won't ever happen. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Waifed on December 29, 2013, 12:38:39 PM I did the same. I think being in the FOG makes you lose your boundaries therefore you say and do things totally out of your character. Don't feel bad. You are human and the stress they cause is very extreme.
Time is a big healer along with therapy. I am about 4months NC and my depression is lifting after almost a full year! It feels so good:) I didn't think it was ever going to get better but it does. The other thing is to try to think positively and redirect your mind when you are thinking about your ex or are feeling down. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: seeking balance on December 29, 2013, 12:40:39 PM How do you cope with wanting them back in your lives in some respect, even tho you know it's impossible/not good for you? *welcome* MrConfused, Forgiveness - of our ex and more importantly, of ourselves. For me, it helped when I let myself be ok that I missed and loved my ex... .I just did - not all was bad. When I gave myself permission to miss her, but BALANCED it with the facts of the disorder that meant I was not going to be in any meaningful relationship with my ex ever again - I was able to really grieve and let go. It takes time and it is not some major event - letting go of the emotional tie - I tend to say the 3 T's are most helpful: Time, Tears, Therapy A simple tool many of us have used here is to write out what you want to say to her still - don't send it - post it here and get some feedback on your own emotions, how this plays in the BPD world etc. Peace, SB Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Pretty Woman on December 29, 2013, 12:41:11 PM Mr.Confused,
I left this board last week but something pulled me back. Maybe it was this question My undiagnosed BPD left me six times in 15mo. She always came back. By round 5 I really stopped spending a lot if time with her. My trust was broken and in round five she dumped me the same day my best friend told me she couldn't be friends anymore because I was in a lesbian relationship. This was my first gay relationship and within a day I lost my best friend if fifteen years... .and my girlfriend. When I went to her house to talk I heard her on the phone yelling "she's f'in stalking me!" imagine the pain and hurt I was feeling. She left me for an ex five states away. Had a new girlfriend within days but now I see it had started before she dumped me. She came back a month later. There was physical and verbal abuse (none at the hands of myself). This time she left the day before Halloween which is a week before my birthday... .said we should see other people that she loved me very very much and would always be around, that she was extremely attracted to me. I knew my replacement the second she broke with me. Unfortunately this woman is sick too and both were playing mind games with me. Point being I finally called her out. Told her one of her exes contacted me which in her head meant I called all her exes (word twisting). I told her sh was not capable of fully loving and this was not my fault, I would never have been able to fix this. She changed her number, blocked FB and disconnected her email. Dear, they can't handle their faults at all. Loving them is our sickness. If anyone rise treated me like this I'd walk away. Water seeks it's own level, that is why we were attracted. You need to get out of her head. You couldn't rationalize when you were with her, don't expect to now. Read my past posts. I was in a really bad situation. Hopefully they give you some perspective. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: oblivian2013 on December 29, 2013, 12:43:16 PM Same story here, except I wish I said what you said to her. My wife frequently brought up "dead to me" talk about her exes and I never thought it would be me. My T says it is not about me, it is about her. It sounds like you already know the answer. I am hoping that I will find love again and can forgive myself for my serious error in judgement.
Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Bananas on December 29, 2013, 12:44:53 PM Yep I have felt the same and still do from time to time.
How to deal with wanting them back? Ask yourself who is it you are thinking about when you want them back? When I ask myself this question the person I want back is the person I made up in my own head, the person I want him to be, the person that i think he is under all of that unresolved "stuff" he carries around with him. The person he can be for brief moments but can't sustain because as soon as things are "good" between us I trigger him and we go down the same road. Mr Confused, who do you want back? Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: piercepd on December 29, 2013, 01:01:13 PM What's helping me, old lad is the knowledge of my condition.
I'm not sure if you're the BPD sufferer, or she is, or both of you but I'll reply from my own PoV as the ill one. As seen on my profile, I've not been with "the one" for 2 years, I would move heaven & earth to get her back but time has shown me that the only thing I need to do is get myself a bit better/get myself to the point where she can trust that I'm not going to trash the flat/carve myself up/etc should she say something I don't like. ATM, I have the situation wherein not only are we not together, she's actually seeing someone else, albeit casually. I'm dealing with it by keeping a journal of logical thoughts & reasonings. Every time I feel something, I write it down & question it from a purely logical standpoint. For example, her sleeping with this guy, *in the bigger picture/overall* doesn't actually matter, it changes nothing. However, my kicking off about it just drives her further away. So that's my focus, the big picture. Every time I don't like something or the heat & panic threaten me, I ask what it changes in the big picture. The answer is usually "nothing." I've started referring to my getting more well/getting her back as a war. To win ultimate victory, you have to sometimes lose a battle or two or do something distasteful/choose between two horrible options. So whilst I hate giving her space & distance & I hate her seeing someone else, it's losing a battle in the interests of winning the war. In addition to this, naming your symptoms has been a HUGE help. If I react a certain way to something/feel a certain way about it, I write down what it is I'm feeling physically & mentally & I check it against a list of symptoms. In this way, I can see for myself "oh, I'm just reacting like this because it's that facet of BPD" or "right, this is a CBT thinking errror." which for me relegates the symptom pretty quickly, it's like once I name it, it has no power over me, or less power anyway (that's in a book or film somewhere but I can't for the life of me think which one!) Hope that helps, squire. Or helps someone reading it. Apologies if it's a bit all over the place, blame the ADHD! Cheers, Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: MrConfused on December 29, 2013, 01:38:33 PM Oui Earth Angel. You did pretty much what I did. There's only so much push/pulling you can take before you burst. One week I was her best friend, the next I was ignored for days. This would go on repeatedly. I took her out once for a "Make or break" drink & for a while it felt like we'd cleared everything. Nope, back to her old self a day later & she'd also lied to me massively about something.
It was horrible & in the end I felt I had no choice but to hold up a mirror to the way she'd treat me. In her head, it gave her the validation she was looking for to run a mile. Excerpt A simple tool many of us have used here is to write out what you want to say to her still - don't send it I sorta have... I wrote an email xmas eve that gave her updates on our mutual friends (that she's also cut off) & asked her one day to give it another chance. I apologised for the things I said. I doubt that it'll ever reach her tho, as I'm fairly sure she also changed her email. Excerpt Same story here, except I wish I said what you said to her. My wife frequently brought up "dead to me" talk about her exes and I never thought it would be me. I'm not sure saying what I said makes me feel any better tho... . But if I hadn't... .I'm pretty sure I'd be here regretting not saying it! (or she would have ran off anyway) Mine was "on good terms" with all her ex's, but the longer I was with her, the more I realised that couldn't be true. "Abusive" men, drug dealers... then a few girls (One of which that dumped *her* and she can't get over) She had another guy like me that fell in love with her so she ran off to Asia (alone) for 3 months and did to him what she's done to me now. After years she spoke to him again, when she needed help with something. I should have seen the warning signs. But like most of us on here, I thought I could be the one that finally gave her stability, especially as we were friends for a long time. I keep thinking I should have given her more time or been more respectful of her past, but it would have just delayed the end & caused me further hurt. Excerpt Mr Confused, who do you want back? I... .don't know. I want the person I fell in love with back. I'm slowly realising tho that the good times we had at the start were just that... at the start. The rest of the relationship was a constant push/pull on her part & the good times I had with her were not worth the bad times I had. Problem is... the good times were amazing. The day she first asked me out was the best day of my life, I was floating on air. The dream was getting that feeling back, but that's all it is... a dream. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: nevertheless on December 29, 2013, 01:45:36 PM *welcome* Your right I know I have thought of all the good stuff and think maybe he will change. Then try to remember the crazy stuff. I think the wanting back is me missing the worship phase of the BPD. It did my ego good, in the end durning his worship ing me I would think fake fake cuz we all know the meltdown will come and now I'm the bad person,sad sad mental problem. I can be glad I don't have it or my kids grandkids! Hang in there when you feel weak come here and read. It's my strenght
Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: myself on December 29, 2013, 02:10:49 PM There is no going back.
While detaching, we're still connected to the past. Feeling like we are who we were, instead of who we are now. It's difficult to face a change we were not looking for. I miss much of what has come before, but by being too focused on it I could have missed out on so much of what is going to be. Accepting that, today, helps ground me. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: MrConfused on December 29, 2013, 02:27:57 PM True... I thought it'd be easier now tho. It's been almost 2 months since our big argument, a month since she vanished after I got fed up.
Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: babyducks on December 29, 2013, 03:19:19 PM Mr.Confused,
If you have written the letter to your Ex, then I would suggest you write one more letter. This one to yourself. List the conditions under which you would accept her back. List the things that would need to change for the relationship to be a healthy one. List what you want/need/deserve from a committed partner. Then put it up on the fridge. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Perfidy on December 29, 2013, 03:42:22 PM Mr.Confused, If you have written the letter to your Ex, then I would suggest you write one more letter. This one to yourself. List the conditions under which you would accept her back. List the things that would need to change for the relationship to be a healthy one. List what you want/need/deserve from a committed partner. Then put it up on the fridge. I did this. Almost pi$$ed my pants laughing. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: MrConfused on December 29, 2013, 06:20:44 PM Mr.Confused, If you have written the letter to your Ex, then I would suggest you write one more letter. This one to yourself. List the conditions under which you would accept her back. List the things that would need to change for the relationship to be a healthy one. List what you want/need/deserve from a committed partner. Then put it up on the fridge. The thing is... .at this moment in time I'd accept her back regardless. I know full well that I did what I did as she'd used me like a doormat for months & I was sick of her pushing me away only to pull me back in. I got so used to it that the absence of it hurts almost as much. I don't like calling it abuse but it was & her "victory" was making me feel like the abuser, when all I did was tell it how it was. I'm struggling to cope with the guilt of that. I don't know when I'll forgive myself & stop thinking about things I could have done differently. But you're right, I should write a letter to myself saying what I need from a committed partner. This has been the most unhealthy relationship I've ever had in my life & I don't know why I put up with it for so long (& why I'd put up with it again if I could) I put up with things I wouldn't put up with from friends, so why was I willing to accept them from someone I loved? Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: sadinnc98 on December 29, 2013, 06:23:50 PM Mr.Confused, If you have written the letter to your Ex, then I would suggest you write one more letter. This one to yourself. List the conditions under which you would accept her back. List the things that would need to change for the relationship to be a healthy one. List what you want/need/deserve from a committed partner. Then put it up on the fridge. The thing is... .at this moment in time I'd accept her back regardless. I know full well that I did what I did as she'd used me like a doormat for months & I was sick of her pushing me away only to pull me back in. I got so used to it that the absence of it hurts almost as much. I don't like calling it abuse but it was & her "victory" was making me feel like the abuser, when all I did was tell it how it was. I'm struggling to cope with the guilt of that. I don't know when I'll forgive myself & stop thinking about things I could have done differently. But you're right, I should write a letter to myself saying what I need from a committed partner. This has been the most unhealthy relationship I've ever had in my life & I don't know why I put up with it for so long (& why I'd put up with it again if I could) I put up with things I wouldn't put up with from friends, so why was I willing to accept them from someone I loved? ^^^I totally relate to this 100%... .I am hoping he reaches out... hoping we make plans for NYE... .its really a sick cycle... because I know if he does or if we go, the same cycle of BS/ignoring, etc... is going to happen and its just going to hurt worse... .and honestly, I DO know this is done, I need to walk away, etc... but the pain is so bad that i know a date with him will numb it-sad cycle. I know there are people out there that won't treat me this way. I am struggling really hard today too... I have been resisting all urges to text him and its NOT easy. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: SurvivedLove on December 29, 2013, 06:56:02 PM What's helping me, old lad is the knowledge of my condition. I'm not sure if you're the BPD sufferer, or she is, or both of you but I'll reply from my own PoV as the ill one. As seen on my profile, I've not been with "the one" for 2 years, I would move heaven & earth to get her back but time has shown me that the only thing I need to do is get myself a bit better/get myself to the point where she can trust that I'm not going to trash the flat/carve myself up/etc should she say something I don't like. ATM, I have the situation wherein not only are we not together, she's actually seeing someone else, albeit casually. I'm dealing with it by keeping a journal of logical thoughts & reasonings. Every time I feel something, I write it down & question it from a purely logical standpoint. For example, her sleeping with this guy, *in the bigger picture/overall* doesn't actually matter, it changes nothing. However, my kicking off about it just drives her further away. So that's my focus, the big picture. Every time I don't like something or the heat & panic threaten me, I ask what it changes in the big picture. The answer is usually "nothing." I've started referring to my getting more well/getting her back as a war. To win ultimate victory, you have to sometimes lose a battle or two or do something distasteful/choose between two horrible options. So whilst I hate giving her space & distance & I hate her seeing someone else, it's losing a battle in the interests of winning the war. In addition to this, naming your symptoms has been a HUGE help. If I react a certain way to something/feel a certain way about it, I write down what it is I'm feeling physically & mentally & I check it against a list of symptoms. In this way, I can see for myself "oh, I'm just reacting like this because it's that facet of BPD" or "right, this is a CBT thinking errror." which for me relegates the symptom pretty quickly, it's like once I name it, it has no power over me, or less power anyway (that's in a book or film somewhere but I can't for the life of me think which one!) Hope that helps, squire. Or helps someone reading it. Apologies if it's a bit all over the place, blame the ADHD! Cheers, I am sorry, but I have to say this... . You are aware that this is a support forum for people who has left or been left by people with BPD, right? If you suffer from BPD, which your words "I'll reply from my own PoV as the ill one", I am gonna have to ask you, both on my own behalf and likely on behalf of many other users on here to please go to a support forum for people WITH BPD. This is nothing against you personally, I do not know you or your story. But I, as someone who's been exposed to the harsh end of your illness from my ex, do not feel safe discussing my experiences, seeking support or venting on this board (which SHOULD be a safe enviroment for me to do it in), when someone with the very illness that has caused my ex to destroy so much in me, to nearly cost me my life suddenly 'invades' this safe haven. To the moderators: I am sure I'm not the only one feeling this way. I hope one of you will be able to refer this user to the forums appropriate for him/her. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: MrConfused on December 29, 2013, 07:19:02 PM ^^^I totally relate to this 100%... .I am hoping he reaches out... hoping we make plans for NYE... .its really a sick cycle... because I know if he does or if we go, the same cycle of BS/ignoring, etc... is going to happen and its just going to hurt worse... .and honestly, I DO know this is done, I need to walk away, etc... but the pain is so bad that i know a date with him will numb it-sad cycle. I know there are people out there that won't treat me this way. I am struggling really hard today too... I have been resisting all urges to text him and its NOT easy. Aye... It defy's logic that we feel this way. Seeing them again would help us temporarily, maybe even give us false hope again but it's just putting off the real pain we both know we have to suffer. Yet still... if that option was on the table, I'd take it & I don't know why. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Perfidy on December 29, 2013, 07:46:55 PM Aye... It defy's logic that we feel this way. Seeing them again would help us temporarily, maybe even give us false hope again but it's just putting off the real pain we both know we have to suffer. Yet still... if that option was on the table, I'd take it & I don't know why. [/quote] This kind of thinking nearly killed me. Trust me. You don't want this. You will be dragged all of the way to hell. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: MrConfused on December 29, 2013, 07:52:29 PM I know I know... .At least I know that in my case, She's cut me off so sharp there's no way this is going to happen. It's just coming to terms with that that I struggle with. Like I said, the absence of the push/pull after so long is almost as painful as having it & I don't know how long it's going to take me to get over it.
Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: sadinnc98 on December 29, 2013, 07:52:48 PM ^^^I totally relate to this 100%... .I am hoping he reaches out... hoping we make plans for NYE... .its really a sick cycle... because I know if he does or if we go, the same cycle of BS/ignoring, etc... is going to happen and its just going to hurt worse... .and honestly, I DO know this is done, I need to walk away, etc... but the pain is so bad that i know a date with him will numb it-sad cycle. I know there are people out there that won't treat me this way. I am struggling really hard today too... I have been resisting all urges to text him and its NOT easy. N Aye... It defy's logic that we feel this way. Seeing them again would help us temporarily, maybe even give us false hope again but it's just putting off the real pain we both know we have to suffer. Yet still... if that option was on the table, I'd take it & I don't know why. Me too... .If he asked right now to go out NYE I'd go even though it's soo wrong. Why I'd put myself thru this I don't know other than to numb the pain. I miss our good times so bad Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Perfidy on December 29, 2013, 08:02:14 PM I totally understand. I don't get it either. It defies logic, reason, probably gravity too. Nobody gets out in one piece. I know there is a part of me that I feel is irreparable. It only seems to get worse when I feel better. How's that for a paradox.
Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: MrConfused on December 29, 2013, 08:08:34 PM Excerpt I know there is a part of me that I feel is irreparable. Yup, likewise. The annoying thing is that my ex felt the same way with regards to her ex that dumped *her* years ago, it just added to her inability to let people in close. It's scary as you start wondering if *you* are the ill one. I recognise a lot of her in me at the moment & that scares me, as I was never like it before meeting her. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Cardinals in Flight on December 29, 2013, 08:34:23 PM I too was the doormat, I too finally reached my limit after a silent treatment that lasted from a week before my birthday through Thanksgiving. I said I was done with the ST abuse, and yet?
I'd fold like a cheap shirt if she were to reach out. WOW Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: love4meNOTu on December 29, 2013, 08:42:09 PM I never want that man anywhere near me or my family.
Any good times we had were eradicated when he looked at me with hate in his eyes. And the spittle that went flying out of his mouth as he screamed "I can't stand you" at me, his wife, the woman he was supposed to love more than life itself. Yea right. My x loves himself... .and himself only. It was ME ME ME ME ME, incessantly. It's a hard lesson to learn that some people are evil, but I've learned it. There are good people out there too, like us on this board. That's who and what I have hope for... .US. Blessings, L Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Pretty Woman on December 29, 2013, 09:01:08 PM Mr. Confused,
You will never have what you had in the beginning back. The sooner you realize this the better. You will keep trying and trying and you will fail. And the breakups will get worse and worse til she ceases all communication, runs off with your replacement and leaves you with your broken heart bleeding in your hands. The best thing is if she never contacts you again. I know that is hard but you need to heal and get past this. If someone truly loves you they don't treat you like this. Years from now you will see you were infatuated. You could never be with someone who treats you so poorly. You deserve better! Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Perfidy on December 29, 2013, 09:10:25 PM Excerpt It's scary as you start wondering if *you* are the ill one. I recognise a lot of her in me at the moment & that scares me, as I was never like it before meeting her. [/quote We are ill. The relationship failed because we were both sick on the same day too many times. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: RecycledNoMore on December 30, 2013, 05:29:40 AM I think about the fact that he never really loved me or even knew me, I always used to just chalk it up to forgetfullness or the fact he smoked assloads of weed, but he never really knew me, my hopes, my dreams for the future, we were together 8 years, I dont think he even knew my daughters middle name...
Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: damage control on December 30, 2013, 06:08:10 AM recycled
Mine knew things about me that nobody else ever did or probably will ... on the other hand ... the everyday stuff ... things that even casual friends know ... he didn't, or he forgot or, he didn't care ... I have no idea which it is. When I first began reading his ex's (the one he left 'for me' blog, I came across a post that was a couple of years old where she wrote that she wished more than anything that he would read her blog so he might realise her pain and confusion - but then she said something which has haunted me ever since: she said that he wasn't interested enough in her to read it ... and she was right. His interest in me was insatiable for a year - but only in the areas that interested him ... it wasn't unconditional, it wasn't really about me but about him fetishising me and my desires - so he could use these as material to write his (our) fantasy. I have never had anybody who seemed to adore me so much be so indifferent at the same time. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: arn131arn on December 30, 2013, 06:33:20 AM I know I know... .At least I know that in my case, She's cut me off so sharp there's no way this is going to happen. It's just coming to terms with that that I struggle with. Like I said, the absence of the push/pull after so long is almost as painful as having it & I don't know how long it's going to take me to get over it. Feeling this, as well, but couldn't put it in words if I tried... .Thanks Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: charred on December 30, 2013, 08:31:44 AM Excellent question... head says one thing, heart (feelings/emotions) another.
The two don't agree as the r/s was not reality based, it was need based, on both sides. Being idealized seems a lot like unconditional love, and if we are needy for unconditional love... didn't get it from our FOO when we most needed it, we can jump on a partner that offers it and elevate them to a primary r/s status real quick. That doesn't happen in a normal r/s... can take years for deep love/commitment to gel, but in an r/s with a pwBPD, it can happen fast and furious and be very deep. We accept the partner like a loving ideal parent of a small child... .but they are not. The idealizing from them is not the only idealizing that goes on... we idealize them and put them on a pedestal. When they do things irrational, hurtful, unloving... .we don't relate to them like an equal partner that is betraying us, and being irrational... .we relate like a kid to a parent. If they are abusive... we take it and believe their claims that it was our fault, that we are bad and we jump through hoops to try to make it work. A combination of our needs, idealizing them, and our ego, make it very hard to accept the reality of the situation. The hurt and neediness they seemed to fill goes way back... .even before we had words, and when we accept them as the unconditional loving parent we needed... .the world seems right and wonderful, our core wounds are fixed, and we feel wonderful. Problem is that they are not unconditionally loving, they are needy and disordered and ignored boundaries that kept most people at a safe distance from us. When their disorder kicks in they get clingy, then hateful and may just abruptly dump us. Losing that magic feeling that the world is right is tough, losing a lover and GF/BF is tough, but add in the ego hit that it takes to go from seeing yourself in a r/s with your dream girl/guy... with a dreamy wonderful future... .to the harsh reality that you are needy, fell for a disordered person that is stunted emotionally at the level of an infant... who you accepted as a parent then had sex with... .and you find yourself preferring to idealize them rather than accepting the reality your head tells you is the truth. The loss of the pwBPD can be very painful... far more like losing a parent, with the intense hurting and even deep depression that can go with it than a normal breakup. So that is why you long for them and want them back, though you know they are toxic to you. Accepting reality is the path to getting over them, and there are things that help. I kept all the hateful emails/texts/voicemails from my exBPDgf... and saw a T and learned to use mindfulness to stay present and quit ruminating so much about her. When those didn't work, would reread the emails/texts and force myself to recall how hateful, mean and irrational my exBPDgf was... and at first it was very tough, but after a while my head and heart got on the same page. I still miss the illusion that life with her could have been great... .but the reality was that it was nightmarish. I forgave her long ago... and am finally forgiving myself and doing something about it... .working on my own neediness and desire to have healthy intimacy in my life. Have become much better at seeing red-flag and avoiding r/s where my electric reaction tells me that its not sudden true love, but neediness. The other way I dealt with wanting them back ... .long ago, was going back... and getting another heaping helping of abuse. Force yourself to accept reality and hold them to it if you go back... check crazy claims, require proof... ask how they know you are wonderful... and why they trashed you... reality breaks the spell pretty quickly... started seeing my pwBPD as a manipulator/liar rather than ideal in any way... and the end came soon after. Many share your pain. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Cardinals in Flight on December 30, 2013, 10:54:57 AM Excellent question... head says one thing, heart (feelings/emotions) another. The two don't agree as the r/s was not reality based, it was need based, on both sides. Being idealized seems a lot like unconditional love, and if we are needy for unconditional love... didn't get it from our FOO when we most needed it, we can jump on a partner that offers it and elevate them to a primary r/s status real quick. That doesn't happen in a normal r/s... can take years for deep love/commitment to gel, but in an r/s with a pwBPD, it can happen fast and furious and be very deep. We accept the partner like a loving ideal parent of a small child... .but they are not. The idealizing from them is not the only idealizing that goes on... we idealize them and put them on a pedestal. When they do things irrational, hurtful, unloving... .we don't relate to them like an equal partner that is betraying us, and being irrational... .we relate like a kid to a parent. If they are abusive... we take it and believe their claims that it was our fault, that we are bad and we jump through hoops to try to make it work. A combination of our needs, idealizing them, and our ego, make it very hard to accept the reality of the situation. The hurt and neediness they seemed to fill goes way back... .even before we had words, and when we accept them as the unconditional loving parent we needed... .the world seems right and wonderful, our core wounds are fixed, and we feel wonderful. Problem is that they are not unconditionally loving, they are needy and disordered and ignored boundaries that kept most people at a safe distance from us. When their disorder kicks in they get clingy, then hateful and may just abruptly dump us. Losing that magic feeling that the world is right is tough, losing a lover and GF/BF is tough, but add in the ego hit that it takes to go from seeing yourself in a r/s with your dream girl/guy... with a dreamy wonderful future... .to the harsh reality that you are needy, fell for a disordered person that is stunted emotionally at the level of an infant... who you accepted as a parent then had sex with... .and you find yourself preferring to idealize them rather than accepting the reality your head tells you is the truth. The loss of the pwBPD can be very painful... far more like losing a parent, with the intense hurting and even deep depression that can go with it than a normal breakup. So that is why you long for them and want them back, though you know they are toxic to you. Accepting reality is the path to getting over them, and there are things that help. I kept all the hateful emails/texts/voicemails from my exBPDgf... and saw a T and learned to use mindfulness to stay present and quit ruminating so much about her. When those didn't work, would reread the emails/texts and force myself to recall how hateful, mean and irrational my exBPDgf was... and at first it was very tough, but after a while my head and heart got on the same page. I still miss the illusion that life with her could have been great... .but the reality was that it was nightmarish. I forgave her long ago... and am finally forgiving myself and doing something about it... .working on my own neediness and desire to have healthy intimacy in my life. Have become much better at seeing red-flag and avoiding r/s where my electric reaction tells me that its not sudden true love, but neediness. The other way I dealt with wanting them back ... .long ago, was going back... and getting another heaping helping of abuse. Force yourself to accept reality and hold them to it if you go back... check crazy claims, require proof... ask how they know you are wonderful... and why they trashed you... reality breaks the spell pretty quickly... started seeing my pwBPD as a manipulator/liar rather than ideal in any way... and the end came soon after. Many share your pain. Really, really good stuff Charred! You know how we all read here just hoping, praying to find just the right words that will resonate and push us off the sand bar in the middle of the stream so that we can continue on? This has pushed me, I thank you! Happy New Year |iiii Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Changingman on December 30, 2013, 11:09:39 AM Mine betrayed me so fully, I didn't want her back. At all. I knew something was so desperately wrong, I'd had it. I was really sick as well and could start to see it may have been from her actions, I had to put one dog down and adopt the other into another family. She never and has never asked about them, this alone made me so damning of her feelings, I somehow knew she was not capable of love.
The rest was time away from the chaos and FOG, slowly fixing myself, exercise, good food, and sweating out the poison of her abuse. I not there yet but I'm damn close, her stink dissipating everyday. Hang on to yourself x Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: RecycledNoMore on December 30, 2013, 03:16:58 PM recycled Mine knew things about me that nobody else ever did or probably will ... on the other hand ... the everyday stuff ... things that even casual friends know ... he didn't, or he forgot or, he didn't care ... I have no idea which it is. When I first began reading his ex's (the one he left 'for me' blog, I came across a post that was a couple of years old where she wrote that she wished more than anything that he would read her blog so he might realise her pain and confusion - but then she said something which has haunted me ever since: she said that he wasn't interested enough in her to read it ... and she was right. His interest in me was insatiable for a year - but only in the areas that interested him ... it wasn't unconditional, it wasn't really about me but about him fetishising me and my desires - so he could use these as material to write his (our) fantasy. I have never had anybody who seemed to adore me so much be so indifferent at the same time. Yes! There were always conditions, I told him my deepest fears and desires, in the end he used them to try and bring me down in his smear campaign,he only remembered the things he could use against me down the track, the rest was meaningless fluff in his world. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Kallor74 on December 30, 2013, 03:51:40 PM Excellent question... head says one thing, heart (feelings/emotions) another. The two don't agree as the r/s was not reality based, it was need based, on both sides. Being idealized seems a lot like unconditional love, and if we are needy for unconditional love... didn't get it from our FOO when we most needed it, we can jump on a partner that offers it and elevate them to a primary r/s status real quick. That doesn't happen in a normal r/s... can take years for deep love/commitment to gel, but in an r/s with a pwBPD, it can happen fast and furious and be very deep. We accept the partner like a loving ideal parent of a small child... .but they are not. The idealizing from them is not the only idealizing that goes on... we idealize them and put them on a pedestal. When they do things irrational, hurtful, unloving... .we don't relate to them like an equal partner that is betraying us, and being irrational... .we relate like a kid to a parent. If they are abusive... we take it and believe their claims that it was our fault, that we are bad and we jump through hoops to try to make it work. A combination of our needs, idealizing them, and our ego, make it very hard to accept the reality of the situation. The hurt and neediness they seemed to fill goes way back... .even before we had words, and when we accept them as the unconditional loving parent we needed... .the world seems right and wonderful, our core wounds are fixed, and we feel wonderful. Problem is that they are not unconditionally loving, they are needy and disordered and ignored boundaries that kept most people at a safe distance from us. When their disorder kicks in they get clingy, then hateful and may just abruptly dump us. Losing that magic feeling that the world is right is tough, losing a lover and GF/BF is tough, but add in the ego hit that it takes to go from seeing yourself in a r/s with your dream girl/guy... with a dreamy wonderful future... .to the harsh reality that you are needy, fell for a disordered person that is stunted emotionally at the level of an infant... who you accepted as a parent then had sex with... .and you find yourself preferring to idealize them rather than accepting the reality your head tells you is the truth. The loss of the pwBPD can be very painful... far more like losing a parent, with the intense hurting and even deep depression that can go with it than a normal breakup. So that is why you long for them and want them back, though you know they are toxic to you. Accepting reality is the path to getting over them, and there are things that help. I kept all the hateful emails/texts/voicemails from my exBPDgf... and saw a T and learned to use mindfulness to stay present and quit ruminating so much about her. When those didn't work, would reread the emails/texts and force myself to recall how hateful, mean and irrational my exBPDgf was... and at first it was very tough, but after a while my head and heart got on the same page. I still miss the illusion that life with her could have been great... .but the reality was that it was nightmarish. I forgave her long ago... and am finally forgiving myself and doing something about it... .working on my own neediness and desire to have healthy intimacy in my life. Have become much better at seeing red-flag and avoiding r/s where my electric reaction tells me that its not sudden true love, but neediness. The other way I dealt with wanting them back ... .long ago, was going back... and getting another heaping helping of abuse. Force yourself to accept reality and hold them to it if you go back... check crazy claims, require proof... ask how they know you are wonderful... and why they trashed you... reality breaks the spell pretty quickly... started seeing my pwBPD as a manipulator/liar rather than ideal in any way... and the end came soon after. Damn my dude... .talk about hitting the nail on the head. I used to call her "Ma" and i never call my women that. But she loved it. I even remember telling her that the one thing in the world i want most is unconditional love. She proceeded to just give me the dead man stare. Many share your pain. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: MrConfused on December 30, 2013, 04:02:45 PM I'm really struggling still >.< I have one method of contact left but I know it'll just get me hate or blocked from that as well. I don't know why I think that only she can solve this pain, she caused it in the first place... .argh!
I don't understand my heart at all. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Tincanmike on December 30, 2013, 04:53:09 PM I'm really struggling still >.< I have one method of contact left but I know it'll just get me hate or blocked from that as well. I don't know why I think that only she can solve this pain, she caused it in the first place... .argh! I don't understand my heart at all. I too am stuck in the belief that I need her to be complete, to help me through this, even though she's the one that has caused much of it. I want to reach out to her, feeling I need her help. I am living an false belief that she was always there for me and always will be. I guess no one will ever "always be there" for us except ourselves. You really have to dig deep to get through this crap. My heart is devastated too and I feel your pain as I feel my own, and all the others on this board. I used to have nightmares that she would leave me, cheat on me. I would wake up and she would be there and tell me I would never have to worry about such things. The nightmares became a reality. But at least in a living, waking reality we can control events to some degree. The events that we can't control we just have to let go. The question I have to ask myself is: "can we ever be good together again, truly and honestly?" Can I ever fully trust her again? We will never really know the intentions of someone with BPD. And the support they offer, often seems to have strings attached deep within their psyche. Good luck to you on your journey and keep on truckin'! Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: sirensong65 on December 30, 2013, 05:01:08 PM Wow, Charred (Siren is standing on her chair clapping, slowly... .) that was fantastic, insightful and depressing all in one swoop. It really sums it up nicely...
Also, makes me want to pour a drink but don't blame yourself for that... Was a really good way to sum up the downward spiral. Sickening... . But true, all true. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Soldier Of Sorrow on December 30, 2013, 05:29:42 PM How do you cope with wanting them back in your lives in some respect, even tho you know it's impossible/not good for you? Dear fellow Confused, You cope by, somehow, STOP wanting them back in your life. It is okay to ruminate and wallow a bit in the past miseries, just do not act out on any of your (self-destructive) impulses to re-engage/ break NC/ and subject yourself to another endless cycle of emotional mistreatment. I know it is easier said (as an advice from some stranger on a BPD forum) than done (on the part of the actual person who is actually going through the dis-engagement). I am trudging through the same emotional muck right now as yourself... . And there is NO EASY WAY out of it. When an addict tries to kick a habit, the withdrawal symptoms are bound to be nasty and they will drive the ex-addict to come up with a lot of excuses and special pardons to allow him/her to indulge in just one last fix. Do not allow yourself that luxury. Being with a BPD is the same as having a habit with narcotics. Try to stand back a little and re-focus on the big picture... . Re-focus on yourself. Just look at it this way, the seemingly never-ending yearning to get back to the f***ed up ways of being with your ex WILL eventually pass. BUT if you do re-engage and allow the pwBPD to have her ways with you... .all over again... .You are putting A LOT more at stake than merely your reveries (withdrawal symptoms) at the moment. Think about it... .in the end, it isn't worth it. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: AWest84 on December 30, 2013, 05:49:48 PM Im gonna be pretty blunt... .i did the same thing you are going through right now. It really sucks i know I cried for weeks on end over the smallest thing. I even asked for a sign from god to stay with her... .next day hit her with my shopping cart coming around a corner. We reconnected for a total of 2 weeks where she said she loved me blah blah blah but the whole time sleeping with me she was dating 2 other guys. You really need to do your grieving and then say hit her! I personally am a very good looking guy and thought I would never find happiness again the thought of another girl made my stomach turn. But after taking my love goggles off the thought of her pulling me back in even touching me makes me want to puke! I never realized through out the entire relationship she separated everyone I cared about from me, but also made me think I wasnt as good as I am. Go out go to the gym seriously I have lost 20 lbs of fat and put on 5 lbs of muscle and met a girl 10x hottter and is a sweet heart. Dont look at the good things look at the bad you will realize it was a lot worse for you to be there. In some way we are like them we fear to be alone but with us the feelings where alone without them. They just want anyone... .plain and simple. I was amazing to her and helped raise her 2 boys who both called me dad. I miss them like crazy I miss her awesome family like crazy... .but her I do not miss she makes me ill. Force yourself to talk to other women her you will find it actually a lot of fun to be single again. Trust me I was ripped of everything my house my kids my dog even and you know what I am happy because she isnt around. for the first time in a long time i get to choose what i want to do.
Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Soldier Of Sorrow on December 30, 2013, 06:14:14 PM Im gonna be pretty blunt... .i did the same thing you are going through right now. It really sucks i know I cried for weeks on end over the smallest thing. I even asked for a sign from god to stay with her... . You really need to do your grieving... . But after taking my love goggles off the thought of her pulling me back in even touching me makes me want to puke! Dont look at the good things look at the bad you will realize it was a lot worse for you to be there. Force yourself to talk to other women her you will find it actually a lot of fun to be single again... . for the first time in a long time i get to choose what i want to do. AWEST84, I think it is awesome that you have finally come to recognize the failed BPD r/s for what it truly was. It is also great that you are getting back into shape physically! Because I think that feeling good in the body is also beneficial for feeling good mentally. Unfortunately, I am still hesitant in embarking in any new relationships with the opposite sex. I am just about two months into NC after being with my ex uBPDgf for 10 years. So I am afraid it will take some time before I could pick up all the pieces (of me) and really be genuine and caring towards another person. At the moment, I feel like I have very little to give to another person (or a potential future significant other). I have barely enough psychological well-being to repair myself after a decade of mind-bending s**t. Plus, I have had rebound relationships before (that ended up catastrophically). So that kind of adds to my weariness/ caution/ hesitation in starting anything new/serious. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Pretty Woman on December 30, 2013, 10:42:02 PM Soldier,
After 10yrs you are doing the right thing not rushing into a new relationship. Normal breakups are hard enough. Give yourself a year to get yourself back. Work out and surround yourself with good friends. You have to wash the icky off before embarking on a new, healthy relationship :) Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: charred on December 31, 2013, 09:27:04 AM Wow, Charred (Siren is standing on her chair clapping, slowly... .) that was fantastic, insightful and depressing all in one swoop. It really sums it up nicely... Also, makes me want to pour a drink but don't blame yourself for that... Was a really good way to sum up the downward spiral. Sickening... . But true, all true. Siren, Kallors, Cardinals... Thank you for the positive feedback... the insight came from my own horrific BPD r/s experiences and trying to make sense of it. Once in a while when you want to know "why?"... .you find out and the answer is a slap in the face... .these insights were brutal. My mom's mother died when she was 5, leaving her to largely raise her two younger sisters... her father dumped her on her grandparents and didn't come back till she was 13. Being around small kids is traumatizing for my mom... as they get older, she has less trouble... but for me that meant I was very insecurely attached and had all kinds of anxiety issues that I never knew the basis for. By the time I could really remember stuff... I was old enough to not trigger her issues. So now I have a daughter, and have watched my mom hold her as a small kid... and it was like she was handling a diseased rat. I was diagnosed ADHD... and had anxiety and fidgeting problems... kept people at a distance and never understood why... .assumed it was something wrong with me. That neediness and lack of connection is what drew me to my pwBPD... who is very good with young children (in fact has a background in early developmental issues)... she knew all about attachment theory and unconditional love and what kids need... .because SHE had those issues red-flag. I would have thought that my anxiety was permanent... .but practicing mindfulness, I learned to stay in the present, quit ruminating over past and fearing what might happen in the future... .and my stress level dropped to nothing, and so did most of my ADHD symptoms... .which led to two more icky revelations... .FREUD was right, we do seek out our parents And Montel Williams... .who I personally don't like... and who was on the "ADHD is just bad parenting, pills shouldn't be our answer"... bandwagon... .also appears to be right. Thankfully it is New Years eve today, and I could use a drink... .and may have too many. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Changingman on December 31, 2013, 10:18:18 AM It's hard because they made it hard, the manipulation, control, chaos. You have been beaten like a dog half to death. And they convinced you they 'loved you', this is betrayal on a titanic level.
Lick your wounds and see them as the abusers they are. They want to feel something, anything... .your pain will do. I'm sorry this happened to me and you. But we need to free ourselves from their abuse. Please don't use gentle words to describe filthy things. Maybe they didn't mean it? Maybe they'll be different? It was my fault! It only things were different! I love my abuser! This is not love, it is masochism. Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: AWest84 on December 31, 2013, 10:25:48 AM I understand not rushing into a relationship after 10 years is a long time invested but talk to people. It will help and dont talk about your ex. It feels good to have fun again. Just think of this as you getting the chance to enjoy your life not worry about wat your ex wants or if its gonna be a good day or bad. Everyday is gonna be a gpod day because uou only jave to worry about yourself.
Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: Soldier Of Sorrow on December 31, 2013, 01:42:44 PM I understand not rushing into a relationship after 10 years is a long time invested but talk to people. It will help and dont talk about your ex. It feels good to have fun again. Just think of this as you getting the chance to enjoy your life not worry about wat your ex wants or if its gonna be a good day or bad. Everyday is gonna be a gpod day because uou only jave to worry about yourself. AWEST84, Yes, indeed. I have been exposing myself to a much wider social circle after exiting my BPD r/s. It is a healthy CALIBRATION for me to re-establish boundaries and re-adjust how I view people, and interpret their expectations of me as a friend. And no, I do not talk about my ex with people! LOL This is what this board is all about, isn't it? Anyway, the stories are too scary for the taste of most folks, and I do not want to give the false impression that I am crazy, too! (Most people do not understand the intricate dynamics involved in caring for/ loving an individual with BPD traits) Last but not least, a very Happy New Year to you, wherever you are. Cheers! Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: AWest84 on December 31, 2013, 06:37:49 PM Glad to hear it. As for me have discovered how much I love not feeling the burden of taking care of my BPD ex for the first time in ages. So this is gonna be a great year. Happy new year too you to buddy
Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: simplyasiam on December 31, 2013, 07:17:06 PM rule number with a BPD r/s never think you know whats coming!
I think the best way to deal with wanting them back is to read the post of ppl the have been here over six months been in a BPD r/s over five years and have recycled over ten times. take a good look at what these ppl have to say Title: Re: How to deal with wanting them back? Post by: MrConfused on January 02, 2014, 12:26:45 PM I'm sorta scared... I'm getting signs that she's reemerging from her self imposed exile and I'm a little fearful of what's to come. Before I told her that she'd left me a mess (This is when she went extinct as she couldn't deal with it) she said we'd get back in touch in the new year... .
|