BPDFamily.com

   I have a very strict restraining order in place in terms of "no contact".  She keeps on breaking it over and over. I do not reply, respond in anyway or such. We are divorcing for God's sake. She gave me a whack of gifts (the ones that were wrapped remain unwrapped) for Christmas. I gave her nothing, nada, zip, zero for Christmas because if I did … then I would be breaking the very restraining order I got in place.  I cannot nor do I want to acknowledge her gifts.

     The natural thing to do and say (to any normal person who is not a BPD) is to say "thank-you", ... but I think of a BPD as a door-to-door vacuum salesman. If you so much as open the door, ... they get their foot in and you cannot get that salesman out of your life.

     She gave the gifts via the children (who are teenagers). I have to say that I really need to pat myself on the shoulder for not replying at all. Even during a potentially very emotional time (holidays).

Just yesterday, she drove to my rental house and texted my son to come out and get a few items. The items were all groceries, from cold cuts to soup, to bread.  From a psychological viewpoint I know what she is trying to do: be a mother again, ... to be a parent again. My spouse's own mother must have given her a stern lecture being a lousy parent. (BTW, I have custody of my two teens).

I gotta ask this question: Were any of the things she bought over were things your kids like?

My S2bx has no idea what the kids (2 in college like).  Last year, my D sold them at a garage sale.

How do your kids react to this unsolicited drop offs of goods? 

My teenaged kids really do not care one way or the other. They really don't. They just want her to be like she used to me years ago. 

They know that mom is troubled and abuses alcohol. Just because she drops off things doesn't mean that she is rally truly sorry for her bizarre behaviour and booze issues. And just b/c she writes a few "deep" sentences down on a Hallmark card doesn't make me want to change my mind about leaving her and wanting peace and calm. 


Most of the items were not for the kids,  but for me. For example, she had pickled beets (my fav) and other things like that. My kids wouldn't eat items like that.

Is your plan to see if she will stop this behavior on her own?  I think not responding at all should send a message, but we all know that sometimes that does not work, they simply amp it up. 

It is my opinion that a BPD wants a reaction, … ANY reaction at all. So, … I will not respond at all. I actually have contacted the police just to have it on record that she has broken this 2nd court-ordered restraining order that I requested. I really do not want the police to go arrest her, ... so I just need to talk to the head of the domestic violence unit. An opinion really is needed on my behalf.

It's good to focus on the RO aspect first -- that's a serious boundary and not enforcing it (you) or following it (her) sends a strong signal to law enforcement that things are a mess.

In terms of the psychology of getting a reaction from you: eventually, it won't matter. Right now, while feelings are running hot, and there's an RO in place, and you're about to go through a high-conflict divorce, her actions will seem like a big deal. But over time, after getting through the first hurdles of the divorce, you'll transition enough (a T really helps here) that her behavior is only significant in terms of how it affects your kids.

Things get better on the other side. Hang in there.

Yes, ... what you said. 

    The last time that her behaviour actually really bothered me was when my soop-to-be-ex came to my rental house and she was knocking so very loudly demanding (in a screaming manner) that I open up the door so we can "talk", ... which really would have meant that I would have been abused again verbally & emotionally. I did not open up the door and my son and I were literally scared by her words & actions---> she actually had her hand in the mail-slot in the door and trying to grab me... . ! (weird).

    I ended up calling the police but I did not even reply to my wife as she was screaming at the door. I presumed she was drinking and driving as she gets very "brave" when she drinks.

My only regret is that I forgot to videotape this episode with my iphone or mini-ipad. I now make it my mission to always have a fully charged cell and iPad for just such a temper rage episode. What I did so right is that I never even said "go away, ... . leave me alone"... . as it is my opinion that a BPD person really only wants a reaction, ... . ANY reaction. And if there isn't any, ... . they go away. Which she did.

Hi!  Careful there... . if you are divorcing in CA and some other states, the giving and accepting of gifts can make the actual date of separation hard to determine.  I figured this out when my exBPD, who kept telling the kids how awful I was and how much he hated me, kept getting me flowers, birthday gifts and asking to go to counseling. (I went to a session, it was like stepping on a land mine.)  Then, I learned the law and realized he may have just been trying to make the divorce more difficult.   red-flag