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" I'm with someone else now. He said he loves me. Will you change the oil in my car?" Did you laugh? I'm still laughing. These are the kinds of minds we were dealing with. This really happened. I said " What the heck! You got another guy now have him do it!" She replied "He won't. He said he won't work on my car." This came behind a seven and a half year relationship. These are the kinds of minds you are trying to figure out. Good luck. Let me know how it turns out. The point I'm trying to make here is that it is utterly pointless until you have the realization that it's yourself you need to figure out. Excuse me, I need to go do an oil change.

What? Are you serious? Actually I am not really surprised-the way the minds of these people work is just crazy and irrational.

You haven't seriously have you?

oh I fully expect things like this to go on with mine,  especially considering she is attracted to narcissistic  man  boys.  they want us to fill the needs that  they can't get filled  with another,  because their needs  are bottomless.  good for you for standing up to it. I  expect it a long while until mine finds another one like me.  not like Turkish,  but someone with the  codependent  rescuer qualities.

WOW!  ROFL!   That was great.  I'm far enough out that I can appreciate the humor in this.  My exwBPD said similar things before I went NC for good.  At the time, like your reaction we're all "What the heck?" but looking back it's just funny.

This is the conversation she had a week ago with my mom.  This is after SHE moved out, left all her belongings at MY house for 3 months.

Her: I am going to be getting my own place (she's been staying at her sister's house), I was wondering if I could come pick up all the furniture to furnish my new apartment (I paid for all of the furniture).

My mom: You are going to have to talk to (insert name here) about that.

Her: He doesn't want to speak to me anymore.

My mom: I think he bought all that furniture.

Her: Well, I think I deserve it, and the engagement ring.

What the heck! Entitlement... .OK, I know now I don't have BPD, I have never thought I was entitled to anything, and I have always worked hard to get what I want

That's the Queen behavior. Mine thought she was entitled to having her name on my house. I was able to get it through a connection of hers, but I always paid the mortgage and provided the most for everything. I made the down payment and did almost all of the sweat equity into it. She still wants some type of "severance package" even though we were not married. She even refused to leave the house two months ago, the last bad argument we had, actually. I told her she could take the furniture (she did buy all of it except for the beds and kids' stuff), but she didn't want to. I guess I'll take that as an exchange of funds for the furniture I don't even like. She's the one who cheated and left me, yet she will be the struggling waif mother of two... .that's the image she puts out to the world. As if her choices were driven by me. I hate that she admits the truth to me (that she knows she is "sick", yet projects something different to the world. At least all of my friends and family believe me, thankfully.

I worked hard for my own stuff, too. Mine trumpets her independence, denies I "took care of her" (alternating between calling me a "good provider"... .which is it?), yet wants to be taken care of. So disordered.

Perfidy, she sees the relationship differently to you and sees the break up differently to you. Is she attempting to use you? No. Does she believe that once a relationship has ended that you move on as quickly as she has/does? Yes.

Borderlines always think that you can be friends after the fact while we still are reeling. She has processed the demise of the relationship by blocking it out, minimising the emotions and hurt/shame she feels about herself by shutting down emotionally.

Is there a reason why her behaviour towards you shocks you - knowing what you know now?

What can you do to move forward?

Why do they want to remain friends?  To recycle later?

[quote author=Perfidy link=topic=216572.msg12366564#msg12366564 date=These are the kinds of minds you are trying to figure out. Good luck. Let me know how it turns out. The point I'm trying to make here is that it is utterly pointless until you have the realization that it's yourself you need to figure out.[/quote]
Clearmind... .This was the meat of my post.

mine wants to for a number of reasons.  She never had a problem with me as a father,  so she wants me there for that.  she'd never admit it to anyone else,  but has to me,  that I handle them better. I  am also the only one with whom she talks/ talked about her depression and now what she calls  her being " sick".  She said she is looking for someone to " lead  and guide"  her (a guru I guess),  but what she doesn't realize is that no one like that,  as dysfunctional as it is anyway,  is going to do that and also put up with the BPD  behaviors.  considering she is attracted to  narcissistic  boy men,  I'll probably be the only " adult"  friend she'll have for a very long time.  She chats with a former co worker  who moved away, a  psych major.  I'm sure he isgiving her advice,  but he had no idea what he is really fdealing with.  and I'll bet she only tells part of the truth to him,  too.  those are the specific reasons why mine wants to keep me in her life.  I'll be at some better point when she will inevitably contact me when a  future r/s  goes sour I'm sure of it.  she'll eventually find another  caretaker/ sugar daddy type like me,  but not for a long time I think.  she'll process our r/s  almost entirely wrong,  and I  have no desire to help her in that regard.  all in all,  she shared a  fifth of her life with me,  and it was significant. I  think it's natural to want to cling to some of  that.  me?  don't care  if I  never talked to our saw her again,  but then I  don't have unnatural attachment issues.  I'll admit to being a  little schizoid,  though.

Good stuff Perfidy. You are right. Tough lesson to learn but so well worth it. Work on us and we attract a healthy person. |iiii


Not necessarily no. My ex still tries to be friends - not because he loves me but because if I was OK with him then he can relinquish the shame he feels about himself.

Once you separate they don't think the same about you that you felt about them. Their reality is very different to yours.