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Last night fell asleep without reliving, ruminating, no nothing.  Just sleep.  Damn, was that a blessing.  Woke up.  Had a great day.  Felt empowered, nothing was going to stop me.  I was going to do this, walk through the pain, dust myself off, and get on with recreating my life.  I know this has had to do with the NC I started 2 weeks ago.  You see, I know it's bothering her, because every other time she split, I begged, stalked, gone towherever she was living, called, pleaded, gave my balls away essentially, then 2 weeks of NC by me and she's back.

This time is different, she knows that I know about this other guy.  I believe in my gut she either hid it well the other 100 times or she just never went off with anyone the other times (which I think is highly doubtful).

Well, I came home, and took a short nap after work, and from then on it has been constant obsession with my ex.  I read the rumination board, determined some file names for my ex like the "moneyhungrywhore" file " or the "daddy'sgirl" file, but don't know really how to use them or even where to begin.

I know it's NYE tomorrow.  She will be with her millionaire old man.  Off together, and I will be working and then I will have to hear that god awful song at midnight, while everyone around me in love will be kissing their loved one.  She will be kissing this older man with his wrinkly balls and 100 dollar bills.

I know it's a holiday triggering this but don't nkow how to stop it.  People tell me to stop and I wish I could just STOP!  BUT I CANT JUST STOP! 

I don't know if I want her to miserable or not, I don't know if I want her to be happy, I don't know if I just don't want her to be happy with this guy, I don't know if I truly want NC, I don't know if I would say no if she did attempt a recycle.

I don't know what's up, down, or anything right now... .Brain is completely fried

Arn... .I hear ya. It hurts. For this reason we feel pain. We're alive. Pain is to let us know when something is wrong with us. It's going to be ok. New year=new arn. This will pass. Another day tomorrow. 364 more after that. It does get better. Take care my friend.

Why did she stick around for so long than?  I mean after 14 years, you would think that her abandonment would have kicked in and would have been gone by year 3, right? 

Maybe she doesn't have BPD?

Yes, NYE is a trigger for many of us. I know how it feels. Its hard not to have a partner/wife/husband to kiss and hug from deep of your heart and wish to be another year with him or her.  :'(

Hey arn, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck.

If you read around on the boards, there are some members that are/were with their BPD SO for 30 years or more. Not all pwBPD act exactly the same. The right BPD and the right non can keep that cyclical push/pull thing going a long time, and you just happened to make it 14 years before it finally reached this particular breaking point.

I know you don't want to feel this way, arn, because I know that I didn't want to feel this way either! Healing isn't linear, there are times you'll take two steps back for every one step forward. It sucks and you have every right to feel bad. You got to keep hanging in there to give yourself the chance to heal and get better. 

As I keep saying to ya...

Money + wrinkly balls does not equal a better person.   Who knows why a BPD does as they do!  I am sure there is a technical term for it, but I am happy now with ing looney, and it is not my fault or problem.

I would take an honest, hard working man, who finds his value in himself, rather than a rich man who feels he needs a mirror to complete himself.  He is no healthier than she is, and I do not envy his future.

What kind of things do YOU like to do?  :)o you like to go deer hunting, cooking, listening to music about guys who dont bathe    

Those things about you are priceless and make you, you!  A wonderful you.  I know when I left my BPD relationship, I had no clue what I liked anymore.  I was always waiting on him to tell me, because if I chose wrongly he would criticize me and make me feel stupid.

Now, I can love anything I want.  I, on purpose, bought a different flavor of ice cream every week.  Sounds weird, but it was nice to choose for myself what I liked, with no criticism to follow. Small steps!

Which way?  Forward!  Intently and completely on purpose!