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Ex (HF BPD) hit and ran away 3 yrs. ago, immediately cut contact with our friends and my fam.  Now a message to my family “WE miss you”? (at Christmas I was just told) 

I warned her log ago not to contact them again as they know the ins and outs about her behaviour. 

I only met her 2-3 times because I was fed up with her behaviour towards S. (she didn’t even attend his graduation!), got a little better after my monologue, but worsening later so I keep via mail in LC (never got a reply). 

+Is that the child within?  Wait long enough and fam. must have forgotten my behaviour, so I am  all good again?

+Trying to get info about my wellbeing?  She has no “sources” (my S, but he doesn’t want any involvement, vice versa) I don’t mix with her social contacts, nor ever talk about myself in the neighbourhood.

+What about “WE”?  Hiding like a toddler behind mom, too shy, but so curious?

Oh yes, she (51) is on the hunt for my replacement (maybe found one already), so why not concentrate on that hunt?

I really can’t figure out this one

Hi Dutched,

I'd be confused by a message like that, too.    It sounds like she wants to make contact with you, or is maybe just curious, since she contacted your family, instead of you directly.

How do you feel about it?

I feel confused, still in a way angry too. Hart beat go’s up.  As I read all over the Board we try to pick up life. Facing enough emotional turmoil within ourselves, not even to mention when kids are involved.

 

Then this, contact?  I know it’s me who worries, maybe self-protection. 

As background: She ran away from her family when see was a teenager. Didn’t want contact with them for almost a decade! I was once told by profs.: What they once did, they do again some day. Or run again one day day and N/C.

During the R/S she threatened to stop the R/S several times, but didn’t as I pointed to the front door.

So for me would apply that I am not contacted again with that background.  Until…?

 

Moreover, she filed for divorce, all matters settled. As I mentioned she is on “the hunt”, otherwise until a few months ago very dissociative in responding to matters regarding the final settlement (very dissociative towards a third party)

   

It make no sense, hunting for and contacting. As you suggest maybe she is just curious about me. Knowing her there could be more, I don't trust it.

And it would do you a great service if you simply not try to figure out the actions and thoughts of a mentally ill person. You'll drive yourself insane. My question to you is: what do you want? Do you want a recycle? An apology? Do you think your ex has changed into a better person?

Sometimes our ex's stalk, snoop and pry out of pure loneliness. When they're desperate enough sometimes they do remember that once upon a time that we were a sure thing. They may even be hopeful that you've forgotten about their disordered antics with enough time, space and distance…

But none of that matters. They are incapable of amends and an untreated borderline is still a sick person.

After two years my ex began stalking me again and doing his best to violate my emotional space. When he crossed the line (by calling and texting) I called the authorities. I could care less what motivates his actions because I'm done and that is the message I needed to reinforced once he crossed the line. I'm not interested in his disordered can of worms and I'll never forget the immense heartbreak and misery this man brought into my life.

Spell

First of all:  just a simple happy New Year to all, that we may find whatever we are looking for!   

Thanks Spell. May I say “it’s part of my nature” after a 3 decades to be somehow cautious, picking up signals, etc.

What you are saying about emotional space, YES, that would be it that worries me. I don’t want her to enter my (social) comfort zone any more.

Family and friends are part of me, she cut "bonds". And indeed, I know, she might think, others might forgotten as she had such a difficult time (victim, excuses).

No, I don’t look for and want a recycle, and based on her reactions as I described earlier, she has no treatment.

Last upheaval was a few months ago for the final settlement, and was confronted again with that deflecting and childish behaviour.

Needed to maintain LC via mail regarding my S., which costs sometimes a lot of energy.

Therefore a part of me is still in that chaos maybe causing still my reaction(s) if she want to enter my comfort zone.

Thank a lot for your support and showing how to look into it different Spell!