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Hi BPD family-

I just wanted to let you know that I'm entering into an intensive outpatient program for depression at a local hospital on Thursday. I think probably all of you sensed that my posts were becoming more and more hopeless.

I told my therapist (who I've been working with since July) that enough was enough. I rarely sleep past 3 a.m., my weight loss is hovering around 35 lbs and I really can't afford to lose any more, every day felt like I was slogging through quicksand. I've become so exhausted that fighting the depression got harder and harder, so I felt myself circling down the drain with the same thoughts over and over again.

So I've got to take care of myself now, and I"m deadly serious about it. I've let him win, even though he is no longer in the picture and is marrying someone else.

When he first left, back in May, I was much better than I am now. I kept expecting things to get better, but instead I found myself getting drug down deeper and deeper... .this has nothing to do with my xhwBPD... .it has to do with me.

For some reason I felt I deserved the abuse. Still do!

I'm gonna fix it though, and I want to wish all of you here on this board ... .HEALING... .I pray that we all learn from the experience with the pwBPD and come out the other side wiser, stronger and ready to love again.

God bless,

L

love4meNOTu

Thank you for sharing this. I am so glad you could do this for yourself, to stop the downward spiral of depression. This too is what it means taking good care of yourself. 

I wish you all the best for the next year.

May it be a year for yourself. For healing, growing and joy.

Good luck Love4MeNotU

It's a brave decision and one I am sure will pay off for you ... it's actually a wonderful way to start the NY ... taking care of you and your own needs.

Peace and light to you 

Just know that we all support you!

Im glad that you realise there is a problem, and your taking positive steps to heal yourself, your heading in the right direction...

I applaud you L

It's been a rocky road for me too L. My pattern has been that whenever I think I got it licked it comes back and clobbers me again. I would like to get through this without relapsing into another crappy relationship. So far so good but I think I could be happier on my own. Maybe then I could be in a better position to rescue fair maidens.    happy new year. New year new you. I hope the move to your next level of therapy brings peace to you.

Good Luck!  It will get better. Don't ever forget that!

You are taking a very brave step to help yourself, love4meNOTu. That is a wonderful thing!

Best wishes to you in your healing journey! 

Thank you all for your responses... . you mean so much to me. All of us having been through the same pain.

I'm actually feeling better today, I think it's because I have a plan, and I look forward to feeling better very soon. Like I said, this isn't about him anymore, it's about me. And that feels good. After two years of catering to his every whim, I am finally free.

I find it hard to believe sometimes, and I forget that it is so.

Phew!

I think this is such a big difference.  |iiii

Just wanted to report back... . went to an all day session at the hospital. Can I tell you... that compared to the other poor souls there I am relatively healthy. :)

Here I thought I was really struggling, boy did this give me perspective.

P doc said that within two weeks I will be feeling much better, that my depression is situational, and he can help me, and fast.

Nice to hear, eh?

L

That is great to hear, love! Isn't it nice to see a light at the end of the tunnel? Best wishes to you. 

Yes that is great L. That sounds like a bit of gratitude coming out. One thing for sure about gratitude is that a little goes a long way. I'm glad you're starting to feel better.

hey love4me, terrific news!  i'd be very interested in what kind of treatment he uses to cure depression in 2 weeks so i hope you wouldn't mind sharing.  CBT?  medication?

you go girl!

Great news from the Dr. Hang in there-we are all here for you! 

Hi again,

Well... it's an intense 9 days of group therapy, increase in antidepressant medication, mindfulness techniques... and you know what... . I'm focusing on it and nothing else. I'm off work for the next two weeks, because I asked for it, because I needed it. I've been running on no sleep and stress for the last seven months. It has taken a toll.

I'm taking this time for me, and according to my pdoc, I will get better quickly because my depression is situational.

how exciting!  ya know what?  attitude is everything and yours sounds terrific.  very happy for you.

sounds like something i'd like to do!  a camp for recovering Nons!  where do i sign.

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I rarely if ever do anything for myself.

When I was with uxhwBPD it was all about what he wanted. At the end, when I was sticking up for myself (no, I don't want to go to the car show with you this weekend, why don't you take your son?) it led to some major disregulation on his part. Because I had no idea what I was dealing with, it confused me and scared me. I can still remember feeling absolutely disgusted with how he was acting, and hoping it would pass quickly.

When it didn't there was a whole other phase of getting out of denial. This is who he truly was.

And there's your acceptance... .

It's been a long road I've traveled the last two years. And I'm getting back to the person I was before I met my x.  She was pretty cool, and had a lot of hope for the future.

Blessings,

L