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Listen I know that a lot of our relationships with our sowBPD had major lasting abuse and scarring to our psyche but I believe on a deep level they did love us.  Just not the way we needed them to. And damn if I didn't need her to. Anyway    9

Probably during the idealization stage they thought they loved us.

Yes in their imagination!

Funny you should say that. Mine just told me that she hated being with me everyday, never wanted to marry me, and that even though we have a daughter together we weren't a real family.

She said the complete opposite everyday we were together and says she "begged me" to come with her when she left. Total paradox.

I don't care what she felt anymore.

I agree. In order to love someone you have to love yourself... .a BPD doesn't love themself. They hate the person they are. They are not capable of love. I believe they really hope they love you but in the end they are not capable.

Kallor74,

People with BPD traits are  only  in  love  with  the  concept  of  love.

It really didn't matter to them from which person that feeling comes from.

i think it really just depends. a lot of people come to feel that their whole relationship was not really real after looking at everything. for me personally i know that my ex loved me regardless of her behaviors. if i was only with this person a few months then i wouldn't really give "love" so much credit, but we were together for several years, both grew together, knew each others families, etc. so, no, in my case i don't think it was all imaginary. plus i know of two relationships she had since we broke up, both only lasted a few months, heavy idealization and then terrible endings. these two guys i just don't think were the same caliber, but that's just my opinion. i'm sure in time she'll meet someone who can keep her intrigued and keep her BPD at bay for several years like in our r/s.

A couple of weeks back mine said he doesn't ever feel love for anybody and doesn't care if anybody loves him ... he didn't say this in a rage or when he was upset, this was a low-key, calm conversation had after our split ... .didn't bode well for me, doesn't bode well for the replacement (he had only been with her about 4/5 weeks at that point, you would think he would have been a bit more enthusiastic)

She did not love herself therefore she could love no one. She only took and never gave. The end.

My BPD wife often would say that "I didn't really love her, I just loved the idea of being with her".  I could never put her on the pedestal she asked for, never "adore" her enough. Now with what I've learned about BPD, maybe she was just projecting her own feelings for me. Maybe she just loved the idea of being with me.  She also said at the end of the last recycle and up to that point that she "loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore".  And now, she's "in love" again she says with her latest replacement.  I don't think she even knows what she's feeling inside.  She's just putting on another mask to suit her current needs for acceptance.

My exUBPDgf loved me from start of relationship(idealization) until she got triggered by the intimacy/closeness. Then that love quickly evaporated(devaluation). Then that love disappeared all together(discard). This happened exactly like that, in both rounds. I fully witnessed it from start to finish the second time around as I was already predicting all of her behavior.

That isn't love, that's need. The messed up thing about mine, based upon an entry I found in her journal, is that she didn't run back into my arms due to her not wanting it to be from "need" but from "love" yet her affair was nothing BUT need!

So disordered... . "why do I think everyone cheats, WHY?" When she knows darn well as we used to discuss her father's cheating extensively when it came up.

I could go on, but I'm tired and need to go home to hang with the family until my Ex abandons us for girls night out. I guess it's ok because she asked permission. I could have asked myself earlier, but I'm not going to abandon my kids to go out and party, even if they are sleeping.

Denial

Need dose not equal love

Dosent matter how you try to spin it.

My borderline ex loved me 100%, borderline style.  That meant I was her Knight in Shining Armor, the one who would "complete" her, literally, since a borderline doesn't exist without an attachment, a half-baked self, and I would finally save her from lifelong pain.  Of course that was an unsustainable fantasy and a borderline is not capable of sustained emotions, especially ones like calm, happiness and contentment; chaos made her feel better.  Shoulda known 3 months into the relationship when she said "back when we were lovey-dovey".  Back?  What the heck?  We're just getting started here sunshine, let's build something awesome!  Nope, she couldn't go there.  Shoulda walked away.  Instead the pain let me meet you guys; hallelujah!  Happy New Year!

My last two girlfriends were borderlines and I have a slightly freaky story... .

Both of them idolized me... . Told me they loved me blah blah blah then towards the end of the relationship near the break up both said the same thing.

"I don't know what love is yet"

The most honest moment of clarity that they just don't get it. I am out of the fog i know now no they didn't love us. At least in my case no matter how much they said they did.

Mine said "I'm not ready for this" a mature adult r/s, after one kid, buying a house, making it a home, then another kid. Ended after 6 years. It would be nice if they told us this stuff from the beginning, becsuse they sure as hell act like it is what they want for a while. I think they do, but the abandonment an attachment issues override adult intellect. Then they discard and tryagain... . and again... .