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Title: Making progress… What do you think? Post by: bpdsupport on December 31, 2013, 04:41:58 PM 12.30.13
I came home from work and everything was fine again, like nothing happened the night before. Things she said to me (the verbal abuse and projecting her feelings to me and then I had to sleep on the couch the night before, two nights with no sleep) made me feel tired, sleepless, disappointed, really stressed out, I asked her couple of question but she didn't answer and accused me of trying to argue with her, when I asked her again, she cursed me out in front of the kids again and told me to shut up and don't talk to her. I didn't say anything for next hour or so. After that, I told her that I feel like she is emotionally abusing me. Of course she went off at me and disrespected me in front of the kids again. I ended up sleeping on the couch again... 12.31.2013 This morning, I apologized to her( I don’t know why, now I kind of regret doing it) for if she heard me sounded being defensive(the tone of my voice) asking her questions and that my intention wasn’t to argue, and just asking questions... I haven’t been getting enough sleep etc… just expressed my feelings to her... I left for work and the following is our conversation on SMS... I hope this would make progress and doesn’t backfire on me …... :) Please feel free to give me advise and share your thoughts... Me: Yesterday I asked you questions about if you remember anything about our argument the night before. But I didn't get any answer from you. It's okay if you don't remember. I do remember everything Her: another argument? Me: her name, I am not trying to argue with you. I talked about healthy limits When people don't have healthy limits, they need defenses, which damage intimacy.These defenses can include: Control, Withdrawal, Blaming, Rationalization,, Intellectualization, Perfectionism, Black-and-white thinking, ,Threats, Fighting about false issues, and Excessive concern for the other.These are handy ways to avoid feelings and avoid communication. The healthy alternative is to state your true feelings. Does it make sense? Her: my name, what are you implying? Me: Above are all facts Her: that I'm not honest with my feelings? Me: And what I am trying to say is this: When we talk, for example, the night before, I often found myself arguing about the issue, and often found you arguing to keep me engaged in the chaos. Also, I felt like you kept revising the facts so your feelings make sense to you. You were saying things that I never mentioned in my statements and things I never did. and at the end you asked me to sleep on the couch. That's how I feel and see it Make sense? Her: So? You can't play therapist. You need to go to marriage counseling for that. Those are all the things I'm feeling and seeing! Again, your discrediting my feelings. And playing dr Phil Me: I am not a therapist or trying to be one. I am not trying to tell you that you need a therapist. Her: I haven't revised anything! As long as your support group is helping you don't bring that to me! Me: I am just expressing my feelings to you and what I see in our arguments Her: It's for you. Not me. I don't FEEL like I want to HEAR any of this when for the past 5 YEARS you CHOSE not to hear me! And you decided to choose your own route in our marriage/life Me: I hear you Her: And that's all you say. Me: Now, I feel like what I just said was disregarded and we are diverting from what I said Her: My name, what do you want? You want me to listen to you and say "I hear you" I am not you Me: You don't have to respond, just read it. Or just acknowledge. I am just expressing my feelings and what I see in our conversations. Title: Re: Making progress… What do you think? Post by: waverider on January 01, 2014, 06:09:56 PM It is hard. I see what you are trying to do here.
The problem is that it is too much information overload to her mind. Most of that may go straight over her head and she may see it as a patronizing attempt at psychoanalyzing. While be seen as invalidating.` The direction and thought process is fine. But I found that it can't all be done in one interaction. Concepts have to be introduced slowly probably over many "incidents', otherwise it triggers auto defensiveness. They are very reluctant learners, almost needing to be lead to their own conclusions rather than just being taught the truth of it. This: Excerpt Me: her name, I am not trying to argue with you. I talked about healthy limits When people don't have healthy limits, they need defenses, which damage intimacy.These defenses can include: Control, Withdrawal, Blaming, Rationalization,, Intellectualization, Perfectionism, Black-and-white thinking, ,Threats, Fighting about false issues, and Excessive concern for the other.These are handy ways to avoid feelings and avoid communication. The healthy alternative is to state your true feelings. Does it make sense? While true, it will feel like you are throwing the book at her, replace the bolded words with "this results conflict which is a way" Less is often more as the message can get lost in the words. Title: Re: Making progress… What do you think? Post by: bpdsupport on January 02, 2014, 06:02:26 PM Thank you so much for your support, you are right about not being so much from the book.
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