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I received an email from my husband a few minutes before entering the new year. It is full of anger and hatred. The most incredible thing is that he now tags me as a narcissist, in reality he is not only a borderline but a narcissist, which have been concluded by my psychiatrist based on his behavior. He obviously has all the symptoms both a narcissist and a borderline has… Obviously he is doing the research himself, how does't he realize he himself is the one who has the issue as he is very intelligent and highly educated. I have been very careful weighing whether or not I should let me know what my therapist has concluded. Till this moment I have never made any accusations against or sabotage him by any means. On the contrary, he trashed me in every one of his emails when to me I become the worst woman from the best within a minute.

Shall I fell him he might be suffering BPD and should seek professional help?

His emails are now drifting me away from him and I do not know what is going through his mind...

That is a very accurate replay of exactly what I went through with my ex after I fled our home. He convinced himself that I was, what he was. Everything was projected back to me.

In his mind, everything that he had done in our marriage, everything that he had said was suddenly things that I did or said. I think they do this to try and protect their fragile sense of self.

It won't do any good to explain his BPD and NPD to him. The disorder itself will prevent him from acknowledging it. Sadly, the more logical I tried to be, the crazier my ex reacted. You will stop reading his e-mails for the sake of your own sanity.

Many blessings to you in the New Year!

Hi Sophia66

I feel with you about the nasty email. This is not what we wish as a New Year message!  :'(

I agree with letmeout about not mention BPD or NPD to him. It would probably backlash directly toward you.

What to do in this situation, you may probably ask.

I think it could be helpful find out what your options are - things that you can do without relying on him seeing a therapist.

Thanks! But he did not seem to be too crazy before... He actually becomes a lot angrier after a long silence. Does it have anything to do with my two- day " silence"?

It may have something to do with the fact that I told him I went to see a therapist in order to understand him, myself and the relationship a bit better. Maybe that is when he was convinced that I was the one who truly has issues.

I feel so hurt, damaged by his hateful emails. I would think twice even if he decides to come back to me… Is this the husband that I have loved? Is this the life I want to live for the rest of my life…

I know how this feels, I really do. 

And its a key question - is this the relationship you want, all the insecurity, the missing communication, missing respect.

I think start working with a T is really a good idea.  |iiii

As for reasoning about him and what he said: My guess is there is a lot projection from his side. More about it here: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0)

Hi, Surnia, thanks for this. Do you think it is a good idea to lay out the facts and prove his accusations are groundless?

One of his business associates called the two days ago about his whereabouts as he did not pick up any calls answer any emails from that source ( this person knows me very well). They need to know where the return of the investment should be deposited. Given how much I know him and how upset I was, initially I decided not to inform him, but after a long deliberation, I did in the end by sending him a brief email asking him to contact this person. Now I got caught again. In his email, he said" Who do you think you were when you took it upon yourself to discuss with Peter how I should distribute my money?. For heaven's sake, I never ever did. He put me right into the defensive mode…

It is so incredible to see how my good will get twisted in such an unbelievable way.

To me, he does have to do this if he truly wants a divorce. We can just sit down and talk about the settlement….

Is it an idea to write to him and ask to stop all the name callings and personal attacks? The reason is that I never have blamed him in any of my emails, otherwise he would have been even worse…

I sometimes would jokingly quote what my mom's famous lines, this time he used this to accuse me that was what I had always believed in… He once again made allegations that he had never felt the love in the marriage and he had been respected  as a husband… 

Why doesn't he file the divorce himself since he hates me so much now? It has been a month plus a week since he left the hotel room at the end of our holiday, hasn't his mind been set back?  Because it was usually a few days - two weeks, the longest before, is his mind ever going to be set back?

I think you are very much focused on normal behavior, working things out. For what ever reasons he is not available to this. Many partners here are struggling with this - trying to make a reason, to understand. To understand to make things better or different.

About the fact he is not filing for divorce himself: I have no explanation. I went through similar things with my exH. He was the one speaking about divorce and did nothing. Blamed me, was jealous, mean, did nothing together anymore. At the end I filed for divorce. I don't have really an explanation.

And I am glad, I found the courage to do what is the best for me. 

I can explain it (at least through my own experience). He has to have everyone else think he is the good guy when he knows that he is not. He wants to make you look like the bad guy, and he will stick to his guns about it. Forever.

Their twisted thinking and behavior is really incredible to witness. I always wondered if mine would ever snap out of it, yet 2 yrs later he hasn't snapped out of it at all. My therapist said he will be this way to the end of his days. Some personality disorders really suck.

I can't stress no contact enough, so you don't put yourself through hell.

Thanks! To any outsiders, he is the perfect man, intelligent and successful, but he can be the most evil person you can ever possibly imagine when he misinterpret or twist what I have said or done especially after a couple of glass of wine. I am now so convinced alcohol can easily trigger the symptom  and make him a completely different person at a heartbeat. So many times he went into a rage, swearing, name callings and becoming violent, from the most caring husband to a complete devil…

It has been more than a month since he left me this time. What kind of husband will do this to a wife? He never calls and sent a couple of angry emails with the most absurd accusations against me.  He has done this to me over 10 times over the last 6 years… but he did come back in the end seemly trying to amend the relationship after a few days or two weeks.

What he has done to me and to this marriage have made feel he does not take the responsibility seriously, we all share the responsibility in the marriage, but he does not seem to care, bills, the house, the garden… everything... these seem to have nothing to do with him once he leaves the house…. But he can be a husband who seems to care about everything about the house and us when he is NORMAL.

All these splitting and projections have made it very difficult to me to contemplate.

How I wish I would know what is going through is mind! Right now he hates so much, why? i am the only person who has actually loved him with all my heart.

He does not speak to any of his own family members including his son because each everyone of them has their own issues according to him. The only person he has close contact to is his assistant, nobody knows where he is except her. He asked his cousin through his assistant to get a brand new sim card and have it mailed to her before she sent it to wherever he is now because he does not want to disclose his current location or address.

He has never been a social person all together, but he presents himself as a quiet, decent, intelligent gentleman when he is in public or around the friends. Sometimes he would get excited or become a bit extreme after glasses of wine, but he never behaves as badly as he has done it to me at home. Sometimes I am the best woman or wife he can possibly have, one word, one glass of wine can transfer me from the best to the worst, the one he wants to have nothing to do with, not even a word from me…

Why didn't I notice any signs or red flags when we were 3 year dating period? 

To me there is so much anger and hatred underneath him and it can explode at any time.  But he has always says I am the angry one…. and he gets nervous being around me sometimes

I am now asking myself some serious questions how long I can handle this if he ever decides to come back. I am emotionally drained out…

Often I am thinking whether or not I should answer to some of this accusations or whether or not I should make further concessions…. even though I know back in my mind that i should not.

    :'( :'( :'( :'(

Hi Sophia

The more time goes by, the more I think you need real life support. You told him about a therapist for yourself. I would exactly do this.

Second thing is the legal side. You said it yourself about bills and so on. I would seek out for advice on the legal side. So you can gain some knowledge which things you have to do to prevent a bad outcome on the more material side of your marriage. I am worried a bit about this part.

Btw. we have also a Legal board: Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0).

Go with your gut instinct. I know its hard not to trust our own instincts when it comes to dealing with a loved one with this horrible disorder, but your gut instincts don't lie.

Seriously, get a lawyer and try to protect yourself legally as much as possible.  A disordered spouse can and will rob you of everything you own. They are very vengeful when they become hateful, and it is like dealing with a mad dog. They are capable of things that you can not even fathom.

What is going through his mind is not something you want to know.

Thanks very much for all the advice! It is surely a tough road ahead. My BPD husband can be implusive, but he is always very careful with his money, money sometimes is everything to him, he holds the belief that money can get you everything.  I have no idea what he will do next… no emails for the last few days.

Whenever he misinterprets what I say or do, he will explode in a split of second, it does not matter whether or not we were having a good conversation or dinner seconds prior to that, but most of the cases were under the influence of alcohol. Following the rage, he has threatened or attempted to leave or had left home more than 11 times during the last three years, but he always returns on his own will.

He does not take in any criticisms at all, it is always somebody's fault. For example, if the furniture broke when he was trying to move it, it would be the manufacturer's problems, not by mishandling.

He is not very social. He has always led me to believe that i am the only person he wants to dine or drink with in the whole world and he has always trying to convince me not to attend any gatherings of my friends'. That is why I have actually distanced myself from my own friends since we dated and got married. But he is always overly enthusiastic whenever we have parties at our own house, very entertaining, usually a little bit over the top. He is popular among all my friends. Nobody would possible imagine how he behaves privately towards me, verbally or emotionally when he can not control his emotions or feelings.

I am always amazed, shocked how incredibly wrong my words or intentions get convoluted. The more i try to defend myself, the worse or the angrier he ail become. He always tries to tell me or everyone he can see through me even though I do not speak. But actually he does NOT at all.

He occasionally will help me with the housework or help my nephew with the homework or even give advice, but whenever he does it and whatever he does , he will make sure that I notice it. He will get upset if i do not express my gratitude soon enough. Then i will be accused that i have never appreciated for his love, his care or his help… This is one of the accusations he made recently, he had never experienced any appreciation or love in the years of our marriage. Why do i feel it the reality is just opposite? Because I have done so much for our life together, I have never asked for anything in return. i simply see it as my share of the responsibility in the marriage.

He sent me an email that he had contacted the lawyer 4 days after he left the hotel room at the end of the holiday and he sent the same email twice. I was sort convinced he did. Obviously he has not yet from the recent email he sent me a few days ago, because he wants me to file a divorce… WHY?

The website is offering so much help, yet it is still rather difficult to have to go through it and try to think clearly what I want in the marriage…

I love him, but all he did and said seem to drift me away from where I was. I am so deeply hurt. i feel my heart aching when I wake up in the middle of night….

My idea with contacting a lawyer or a therapist was also that you can do something for yourself. Now you are waiting what he is doing which I think is very difficult to bear.

Mhh, Sophia, are you familiar with co-dependency? Perhaps you can take a look here: Are we co-dependent? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0).

Sophia66,

I relate to much of what you are saying. I am sorry you are hurting. Take good care of yourself. 

I would like to recommend a book for you to read Sophia66 , it really describes your husband in it.

"Stop Spinning, Start Breathing: A Narcissist Abuse Recovery Workbook" by Zair Ballard.

Besides NPD relationships, it is about recovering from BPD relationships too. A very straightforward book that has worksheets to fill out, I found it to be enlightening and beneficial. 

I think it also had a chapter on how to maintain an NPD relationship and stay sane  (but you have to accept that the NPD spouse will never change their evil ways).

Since we have a child together NC is going to be very hard. Mine already has the whole office thinking I'm some kind of slut- but in a nice way- he likes to tell them all he'll help me through this difficult time, and that I'm just confused and trying to hurt him because he hurt me. Totally BS. I have done everything I could to help him, to fix him, to sate whatever need it is he might have and nothing has worked, because I know now that it can't work. I get so tired of all of the chaos all the time, but now that we are in some sort of "pattern of calm" I can't stand NOT having the chaos to focus on! It is so difficult right now. I feel like crying because I am void, lost, and scared. I am waiting for the next shoe to drop- and there are always more shoes- but I know I have to stay strong, focus on the good- focus on the kids- and not focus on the what ifs. I am trying- writing in my journal, talking with friends, keeping busy, cleaning like a mad woman.

I can understand that blueeyedjess, after being use to the drama and trauma it is really hard to adapt to the silence and peace. I promise that you will though, it just takes time. I've read that your brain chemicals get so conditioned to reacting to the excitement of a BPD partner, and it takes time to react to new ways. It explains why  some people get stuck and focused on their BPD ex, and some end up going back to that insanity for relief. Its like an addiction that you slowly recover from.

Are you okay, Sophia?

Thanks everyone for the input!  I have not received any emails from him for since the nasty email on the New Year's Eve. Exactly right that feeling is like waiting for another shoe to drop, anxious, agonizing, hopeless, helpless! I have been asking myself a lot whether or not a co-dependent recently, i am not sure any more to be honest, maybe I am after having him as part of my life for so many years, emotionally it is extremely difficult. Till this moment I still find it very difficult for me to figure out or understand how somebody can just choose to forget the promises he has said to me and the happy moments that we have shared. Obviously in my husband's case, alcohol is always the trigger of his departure, but he comes back a few days later, of course, as if nothing had ever happened even though he wrote me all the ridiculous emails and made the mot absurd accusations. He always came back with presents  and he behaves as normal as you can possibly imagine as if he just left for a short business trips.  I am always the one who finds it hard to piece everything together and to switch back, because what he needs to  see is that I am genuinely happy like he is… How? Deep inside me it is bleeding…

One part of me is telling myself to leave. I have asked myself hundreds of times why I should stay in this relationship and what for. Obviously i feel that I have been both verbally and emotionally abused when he explodes and my personal dignity is constantly voided… I would be better off if I leave the relationship while at the same time his charm, his charisma, his intelligence , the jokes, the great moments we both shared have made the decision impossible to make.

He is a great person when that little 2 year old baby ( the devil) does not surface.

My BPD husband claimed in one of his few emails to me that he no longer felt the excitement, the fire or the heat of the love in the marriage any more as he still believes that the feeling of love should be felt like being electrified… Surely to him I am the least romantic person ( UNTRUE, I think he IS)…

I guess a lot of people would agree with me that you do not feel being electrified every day after being together for a few years… and day to day life  would not be as exciting…

I just found it amazing he said this...

Another week has passed since I last heard from my husband. The waiting and the unknown is agonizing. I do not know where he is and what he is up to.

I still found it difficult to get over the biggest questions of mine: How is it possible for a husband or a wife to leave that their loved ones that spontaneously while minutes prior to that he was saying he loved me?

It has been more than 40 days since he left the hotel room, is his mind ever going to be switched back?

I :'( :'( :'(

Sophia

all I can offer you is a big hug, yes, it is agonizing. 

What we have: Spoken words about love and him 40 days away. Its hard, I know, I think action speaks louder than words here.

What is the approach of your T about the situation?

Hi, Surnia, my T has not given me any further advice on this yet, all he suggested is to wait and see what's going to happen. He does not recommend me to write more emails to him as that is sometimes seen as aggression. All i can do right now is to let him know I am waiting for his homecoming, which I did on Dec. 22nd before Christmas, nothing from him but two more hateful emails. Right now, to him nothing is good about his wife, he has painted of portrait of mine as black as it can be, which is obviously completely opposite from what he usually sees me.

He has not yet contacted the divorce lawyers as he initially claimed he had. He wanted me to do it… I certainly will not at this stage.

My big questions is why he hates me so much and how ?

I can be anything but he has accused me of.  I surely love him, without the deep love for him, i would have left the relationship long time ago given what he did to me.

Every morning, I wake up with a hope that I will get some news from him…

Even though I know now that he has BPD, yet it makes no easier for me to live my life. it is hard to detach his behavior from a husband, who claims I am the best hundreds of times...

It is just hard to piece all together... .

Have you looked at "Stop Spinning, Start Breathing: A Narcissist Abuse Recovery Workbook" by Zair Ballard? You can download it to your Nook if you have one.  It may offer you some relief to understand that a BPD or NPD is not a non. He is off feeding on a new narcissistic supply somewhere. Has he cut you off financially too?

Thanks, Letmeout! He does not have any contact with anyone in his life except for the business associates. We have always had separate bank accounts, therefore, he did not do anything in that sense, but obviously i am the one who is paying for all the bills and taking care of the house.  He does NOT seem to care. It still puzzles me who would just walk out the house and " " vanish" as if I had never existed. He obviously does not want to have anything to do with me any more… I knew he would not pick up any phone calls from me, so I did not call.

:'(

sophia i'm really really sorry to read about your situation. all i can say is that you're not alone in this bit:


on june 24th my w sent an email to me at work: "let's rent a power washer and clean the house this weekend." on the morning of june 28th we exchanged the usual funny emails we did every day. that afternoon she came home from work, announced that the marriage wasn't working for her, told me there was someone else, and left. my marriage was over in one hour. three weeks later her lawyer sent me a letter. i also don't know exactly where she's staying.

it's ferociously painful, and i know it. please stay connected to your friends and family, and keep in touch here. it's helped save my sanity!

Maxen, thanks for sharing your own story with me.

I just received an email from my husband. The message was rather brief and the tone seems to be less angry compared to all this previous emails. But he did ask me when I was going to file the divorce because he believed that he had given me enough time to consider and get myself psychologically prepared… He asked me to give me a " time table". To me it sounded incredible as I am not the one who left and I am not the one who wants to the  divorce. Why should I take the initial move here to contact the lawyer?

So there is a light change in his tone. And to me it sounds like he did what he did to make you filing for divorce. So I am wondering about your question too, why he don't initiate it himself.

How do you feel right now, Sophia?

hi，Surnia, I have no idea what is going through his mind right now. Within the 1st week of his departure, he sent me an email that he had already contact the divorce lawyer, to which I did not respond, then he sent me the very same email a few days later… I responded with a lot of concessions, then I got the complete silent treatment for more than two weeks. Then on Dec.30th and Dec.31st, he sent me two more hateful emails… with more new absurd accusations.

Now he is asking me to find a lawyer and give him a time table for " divorce". Why should I ? If he wants a divorce, he should talk to me about the settlement before we see the lawyer or just get a lawyer…  I have no idea what is on his mind…

Even if he truly wants a divorce, I have told him that I will respect his decision but we should meet up and discuss about it. He should have the decency to face me instead of writing email to me without coming back…

your situation has yet more parallels with mine, sophia. three months after moving out, during which time she was living with her paramour, my w still hadn't filed for divorce, though she had retained a lawyer, and she never suggested mediation. in the end i was too emotionally devastated to leave myself open to her viciousness any longer and i filed and served her, which i think is just what she wanted. passivity is characteristic of pwBPD, and now she can feel like a victim, since i'm rejecting/abandoning her. it's speculation on my part of course but if your husband files he has to take the responsibility and pwBPD strongly resist that.

Hi, Maxen, thanks for the input. Even though it has been very painful and the relationship sometimes is very stressful as well, I am not by any means ready to divorce yet, I can be making a mistake here, but to me he can be a husband when his evil side does not emerge. I am certainly not planning to dance to his tone this time, I will wait and see what he is going to do and what is going to unfold… Meanwhile, I am trying to be strong... .

Because I did not respond to my BPD husband's request to provide him with a divorce time table, he is now very upset and sent me another email tonight to  threaten me that he was going to announce his divorce plan on twitter and face book and he accused me of a liar. He was convinced that I would not file a divorce until I had found another man in my life… Incredible accusation!

i never thought I was going to divorce him and why should I initiate the process? Why should I have to provide a timetable?

How should i respond to him? Do I have to respond at all?

One of the reasons why he got so upset might be because i have not responded to his emails for the last couple of days, as i did not want to keep defending myself in face of those groundless accusations. 

Any advice? Do I respond?

So there is a light turn in the very difficult situation: He wants something from you - the timetable for the divorce.

I would not respond to nasty emails. Doing so would enforce bad behavior.

I am wondering myself about his demand with a timetable. Is he someone with strong right/wrong thinking? So divorcing somebody is wrong and he tend to avoid it, you should do it so you are wrong?

Or is it in your state legally an advantage being the one who not initiated the divorce?

Sophia

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and the turmoil it must be causing you. I wish you all the happiness you deserve and hope that things become a little easier for you 

Surnia has given some very sound advice and it does seem suspicious that he is forcing the responsibility on you. My only thought is that it is so he doesn't have to take responsibility and can continue to blame you when his life doesn't go the way he thinks it will. Sadly, that can still happen regardless and right now it just seems to be a power to try and control you.

I remember an argument with my exBPDw a few years ago. She had sent me an e-mail asking me a load of questions and demanding an immediate answer. I was at work at the time so didn't see it until late on. Regardless, because I hadn't answered her within an hour, the following e-mail stated that because I hadn't answered her it meant I didn't care and she had booked an appointment to see her lawyer to file for divorce. Annoyed, I foolishly responded back with that I better book an appointment too and see what options I have available. She was devastated at this and I was blamed for wanting to leave her.

It was another 6 months before one evening she backed me into a corner and because I refused to get into an argument over something trivial she decided then and there that the divorce papers were to be signed the following morning. That time I didn't back down and followed it through. It was used as a stick to beat me with but she was the one who initiated it. A year on and I still get monthly emails about how I don't care about her and how the stress of the divorce affected her and continues to try and blame me for forcing her to do it.

I totally agree with Surnia, don't respond to any nasty e-mails. Focus on what you need to do to get your strength up. The sad part is no matter what you do, he is always going to force you into a position of defending yourself. Remember, pwBPD take no responsibility for their actions because they can't. That means you will always be defending yourself until you decide enough is enough. You deserve far better than that. 

a few observations, sophia:


there can't really be a timetable. it just doesn't work that way. all a person can do is take the divorce process step by step and the timetable works itself out.


sounds to me like he's flailing, like he's really disregulated.


that sounds like projection. he wouldn't file unless there was someone else in his life. if he has BPD, he couldn't stand to be alone. my stbxw actually said that she was "content to stay in the marriage as it was." so why did she run? because someone else opened the door to her.


you shouldn't, if you don't want to. again, he wants you to because then the responsibility is on you.

Thanks, everyone, for all the input and advice!

I decided to write to him this morning. These are what I have stated in my email: 1,  As a couple, we should show respect to each other ( even though he claimed that i had never showed any respect him and had always belittled him)  2, I believe that we love each other and never have I thought our marriage will be ended up with divorce. I understand he needs the time and space, it is okay with me. I will be waiting for his homecoming 3, if his final decision is made to leave, he should be the one who starts the process instead of me.  But we must sit down to have a face to face discussion about all the things related before we proceed.  4, I have told him that i will respect whatever decision he is going to make as long as we both respect the facts and respect each other.

What do you all think of it?  Any thoughts?

because i love him so much, i have invested so much of myself into this relationship, have been trying to do the best I can in the relationship. i have been trying to be as tolerant as I can possibly be hoping he would appreciate it. Sadly it does not seem to work that way. Everything I do or say can be convoluted in an unbelievable way. I used to be so frustrated by all these, now with the help of my therapist I have finally understand why… I am saddened and heart-broken…

He is intelligent  and exceedingly well educated. He can be a great writer. Because his mind is in such an angry state, his emails to me are illogic and sometimes the sentences are broken, full of hatred, frustrations, incredible accusations.  Believe me, these emails make me sick…i would not be surprised if my blood pressure went up… I will put his emails to a special file so that i do not have to see it every time my computer is on…

Here are some updates: Since my husband walked out on me about 50 days, he had tried to keep where he is a secret until a few days ago that he posted quite a few photos on the social media where I have access indicating how much he has enjoyed himself. The photos were taken from one of our holiday homes. He posted the photos twice in a row…I have never responded to them.

I would have flown over to him before, but I have been trying to ignore the photos… Is he trying to send a signal or is he trying to find an exit to come out of the mess he created himself? Am I doing the right thing by not responding to these signals?

He had done the similar things before and it was always me who went to him to make the concessions to get him home.

What should I do now? Do what I did before?

Just want to say I am SO sorry for what you are going through. I am in a similar dilemma (though he is not gone yet) of whether to respond/concede/ignore etc and wouldn't wish this pain on anyone ever. 

Thanks for your kind words! It has been a week since he posted the pictures on the social media to disclose where he had been and i have not responded to any of those. Based on the past experiences, it would be the message from him to me that he wanted me to go and get him back home.

After more than a month and half and all the nasty emails, I finally get to know where he has been. Since I am not ready to divorce yet, would it be a smart thing for me to do by not responding at all? Any advice?

It has been another 10 days since i heard from my BPD husband. I knew he might be back in town but he never contacted me. I went to see my therapist yesterday trying to get a good understanding of the behavior…

It is nearly two months since he left me and he claimed that he had contacted a divorce lawyer within the week he left, it has turns out he never has. He claimed that he had a purchase an apartment at the place where he claimed he was, it has turned out he had probably never been there, instead he has been somewhere else. Later he demanded me to provide a timetable for the divorce… since it was not me who had wanted to divorce, I surely have not. I wrote him an email to explain the reason…. and still expressed my wish for his homecoming. I have not heard from him since…

it might have been a wrong idea to write to him further, but i did yesterday, no further concessions, all i wanted him to know that I am here waiting for him whatever decision he is going to make. In a sense, I feel so bad for myself… what i have done has made me feel no value and no personal dignity at all. My life and my happiness seem to be controlled by him. My therapist told me that " divorce" might be one of hisstrateges of his to have a complete control of me...

What has been done to me has hurt me so much… but I still find it very difficult to accept the fact….

Hi Sophia

his behavior is really strange!

I can understand you feel bad for yourself. Its a difficult place to be. And from there is perhaps a start to something else for you. You deserve it better. 

Hi Sofia,

Feeling like we are in similar boats. He has said he is leaving (though he specified, an open-ended separation, not ending for good, which my mom says is very suspicious). And he has put it in my hands to make the separation real (ie kick out my relatives from his condo where they are tenants).

Just wanted to share. I am following your thread as well as my own to pick up on any advice.

Lots and lots of hugs. I am sorry for us and I don't know what to do either. Tomorrow I go for the first time to a DBT/couples/addictions/conflict therapist and hopefully I won't hear from him before then.   

Thanks, PacifistMom, for sharing your personal story with me. My therapist asked me a crucial question during the session what I wanted to be in such a marriage for. But to me I find it very difficult to forget all the good time we have shared together. Yes, he has done the same thing to me many times. From being a loving husband to a devil it only takes a split second. Every day I am trying to convince myself that there are not many reasons why I should stay in the marriage and why I deserve this, but it is hard… Everything around me has made me miss him so much… I am now asking my therapist why i am still in such a state as it has been two months since he hailed himself out of the hotel room at the end of the holiday.

Everyday while i wish i would hear from him, I am scared and worried that I might receive another nasty email from him with absurd accusations, which are impossible for me to understand and respond to.

We are both financially independent and we could have had a great life together. Going through such dramas constantly has made me emotionally worn out. I feel like i am waiting for his verdict… whether not he is coming home or whether or not he is serious about the divorce, whether or not he has contacted the lawyers…. The unknown is unbelievably agonizing. I feel he has a complete power over my emotion even though he accused me of doing this to him. I have NEVER… I want nothing but a peaceful life together…

He is a successful individual and nobody can possibly imagine he would do what he has done in his private life…  His relationship with his own family is dysfunctional and his son is suffering from Aspergers. I had been the only person ( the best possible wife, at least used to be ) he talked to… now he is threatening to leave me… The few people he is talking to are his customers.

He has withdrawn himself from the rest of the world for the most of the time. All he had wanted is to be with me, ME ONLY. Now I am kicked out. Before he said he wanted to be a hermit. Is it what he truly wants?

One more thing I have to add and would like to get your advice: my therapist has told me that he might behave very differently or might make a 180 degree change in his behavior if I answered to his call for a divorce… will it be all possible? 

I am so emotionally exhausted …  :'(

Hi Sophia66

 I would be exhausted too. Waiting in such a situation like yours is very hard.

I think the question of your T is a very important one. And its a painful question and it needs probably some time to answer it.

I was there too in my shattered marriage. For me it was the insight that my idea from a relationship is very caretaker oriented. Being there for someone else, with patience and weak boundaries and ignoring my own needs.

Do you do some sports? Walking, exercising? I ask bc in such difficult situations we run easily in a lack of energy and than its much more difficult to come to decisions.

It has been about 10 days since my last post. Here are some updates: My BPD husband has sent me sequent of emails demanding me to sell one of our properties, which is in my hometown and where all my own family live. He threatens that he will take extreme measures if I do not follow what he has asked for immediately… on the top of this a lot more name callings in his emails. I absolutely have no idea why this specific property can bother him so much and why this property should be singled out since he is asking for a divorce. Meanwhile, it is impossible for me to sell the property without his signature, which he should be well aware of…

To me it appears to be suffering from another round of tantrum because he is sending me emails on daily basis and I can almost smell the explosive elements by reading them…

I have followed the advice of my therapist not to respond to his senseless emails. Can it be the reason why he is becoming a lot more agitating?  Obviously not writing or responding to him is something I have never done before, I had always been the one who made endless concessions until he came home.

What makes me feel more puzzled is that he kept posting the photos on the twitter of where he is and he seems to want to let his " friends" know that he is having such a great time out somewhere…  Let's not forget he is a private person and he has few friends except my family members.

What sort of the messages does he want to send me by doing all these? In today's email, he told me that I should have never written the world " love" as i am the one who never understands the essence of it…. Living with me is simply nothing but a nightmare as one has to stretch his imagination to describe what a horrible person I am….

Sophia

Reading through your lines I felt the icy wind of bad memories with my exH. This kind of communication - directly very nasty and blaming and than the indirect part through social medias, I was there too. And exactly the same thing about love. My guess is, his "love" is a very enmeshed idea of love. In his eyes you should think, feel, doing the same like him.

Its so confusing!

I agree with you, you did not what he expected and this is difficult for him. So he gets probably more deregulated. And again, I would not answer the nasty emails. Only normal ones.

Its so hard. 

My exH did the same, but he would fill up my voice mail with rages of crazy talk that didn't make sense. My T warned me that he would get crazier the closer he got to realizing that I wasn't playing his games anymore. Can you quit reading the e-mails so they don't disturb and confuse you the more you read?

As with my ex's crazy voice mails, I stopped listening to them and had someone else do it. They always reported the same kind of talk over and over, but it spared me from the insanity of having to listen to it and helped me move on.

Its hard to move on otherwise.

Thanks, everyone!

Another email today from my husband threatening that he is going to announce our separation/ divorce plan in the Classification on the local newspaper… The reason is that he knows that I am the one who cares about the personal reputation a lot and who does not want to become a topic of others' conversations.

Is he serious? Do I remain oblivious to his emails? What should i do now?

Sounds like he is really testing you!

Beside the content of a threat - how is the tone of the email? Again very nasty or different?

He sounded very angry… the emails were full of name callings…

Maybe it is because i am not doing what I have normally done. I have not responded to any of his nasty emails because I have simply run of the words and i do not know what to say and how to respond any more. My therapist advise me that any replies or concessions can be used as his ammunition against me…

He seems to become more anxious and desperate right now…

Some of our friends have never believed that he ever wants a divorce… all he wants is the attention. But I am now getting so sick of the game and start to feel drifted away emotionally by what he has been doing... .

Than I would agree with your T and not answer.


This is my guess too.

So as hard it may be, I would say keep going like this. 

I have to agree with Surnia, don't answer or play any of his games.

If he is intent on a smear campaign, you can't stop it. Tell everyone you know what is going on, because you are dealing with an unstable crazy person there. I don't think he is going to flip back to acting decent again.

Plus you are still talking like a victim when now is the time to readjust your attitude and look at the reality of your situation. Find a lawyer who has experience with divorcing BPD spouses.   

It will be a rocky road, take good care of yourself and know that you can survive this!

Within the days after he left me, he claimed that he had contacted the law firm and filed a divorce… later it turned out he never did. Now since he is the one who wants a divorce so badly, but why doesn't he get a lawyer and file it himself? Why does he try to get me to do it? We co-own a couple of properties… why does he want me to sell one in my hometown instead of the rest?

There are so many questions that i find it difficult to understand... .

My guess is that he does not want to take on the responsibility of filing for divorce, so that he can blame YOU and play the victim.  He can tell everyone that it was YOU who filed for divorce, it was YOUR fault, and he can forever blame all his problems on YOU for what you did to him.

Remember that our pwBPD have a very hard time taking responsibility for anything and they are so afraid of making mistakes that do whatever they can to not be the decision maker.  For a long time my H would never decide which restaurant to go to simply because if the service/food was bad, then he could blame ME for picking this "horrible" restaurant... . even though he agreed to go.

As for selling the property in your hometown, I would guess that he thinks that after the divorce you will want to move back to your home town to be close to family, etc. and possibly live in that home.  By forcing you to sell the property now, in his tangled mind, he may believe that he is making life hard for you because, if the property is sold, you will have no place to live if you do decide to move home.

While we will never fully understand their thinking, sometimes understanding their insecurities does help in making sense of this disease.

I agree with what maryy16 said. I think jealousy seems to be at the root of a lot of their behaviors. Just like little children with the 'Life is unfair' mentality if they don't get the biggest bowl of ice cream. My ex really couldn't stand it when he thought that someone was getting more, or being happier than him.

I am so emotionally worn out and heartbroken. I received another email from him today telling me that he would even curse me even after his death… He expressed his admirations and gratitude for my siblings and parents. Obviously to him i was  the worst in the family who did deserve anything…

He told me that he had purchased a property and just finished furnishing. He even mentioned what type of furniture he bought, the style of the furnishing, the location… The furnishing seems to fit my personal taste… and he said that over the past few days he had always thought to invite my parents over to enjoy the beautiful weather ( as it is on an island, the weather is much warmer). But he said he felt too bad that we were currently separated and going to divorce…He then said he would always be willing to help my parents or siblings if they needed them as long as I did not get involved…. Ironically it was my family and siblings who had given him all the love and help…

At the end of the email, he mentioned that he felt he was making the right decision even though Valentine's and my birthday were just days away…

Not surprisingly I am not only heartbroken but confused as well… why did he send me this email?

It is rather obvious that the frequency of his emails is getting higher… almost on daily basis…

What is going through his mind? I am traveling right now... I will not be able to see my therapist until next week…     

I am so emotionally worn out and heartbroken. I received another email from him today telling me that he would even curse me even after his death… He expressed his admirations and gratitude for my siblings and parents. Obviously to him i was  the worst in the family who did NOT deserve anything…

He told me that he had purchased a property and just finished furnishing. He even mentioned what type of furniture he bought, the style of the furnishing, the location… The furnishing seems to fit my personal taste… then he said that over the past few days he had always thought to invite my parents over to enjoy the beautiful weather ( as it is on an island, the weather is much warmer). But he said that regrettably we were currently separated and going to divorce…but he would always be willing to help my parents or siblings if they needed them as long as I did not get involved…. Ironically it was my family and siblings who had given him all the love and help…

At the end of the email, he mentioned that he felt he was making the right decision even though Valentine's and my birthday were just days away…

Not surprisingly I am not only heartbroken but confused as well… why did he send me this email?

It is rather obvious that the frequency of his emails is getting higher… almost on daily basis…

What is going through his mind? I am traveling right now... I will not be able to see my therapist until next week…

sophia, this is truly a hell you're being put through. but it sounds as if he is completely disregulated. i doubt you can understand what is going through his mind. he doesn't know how to express whatever it is that is upsetting him, if indeed there is any valid for him to be upset. until you see your T, is there anyone else you can talk to?

Thanks, Maxen!

It has been very difficult for me… I have drafted an email to him. All i want is to ask him stop name calling or trashing someone he once loved and remains to be married to. I have never done anything that terrible to deserve the way I am being treated….if divorce is truly something he wants and that it will make him happy, I will respect his decision, but we need to discuss the settlement in a rational way. He needs to have the decency to come home and start from there. I will tell him that I will not respond to any nasty emails from him any more….

Is it a smart thing to do? Obviously he remains dysregulated and illogical. What I am afraid most is to send him to another spiral of disorder…

One more day, one more disturbing email from him. He insists me filing the divorce…. more name callings, he even threatens that my life can be in jeapody if I continued remaining oblivious to his emails….

This is so hard, Sophia. I guess I would even being afraid to open my laptop if I were in your shoes. 

I am referring to the idea of he should discuss it with you. Its such a long time and so many nasty emails - can you imagine to see him in real at home to sort this out? Or would it perhaps better to choose a neutral point?

Can you imagine to be together again with him after all has happened the last weeks and month?

I really don't know what to the thing to do here is Sofia. I hope you get to talk to your T soon!

From my experience with my uBPDh the more desperate he gets the more he seems to say the opposite of what he means ... . like when I left and he felt abandoned and wanted me home he said "I guess what I need to do is leave town and move away now."

The increased frequency of contact leading up to the events he mentioned - your birthday, Valentine's - in my experience with my uBPDh's language means the closer these events get the more afraid he is to be without you on them.

But, I don't know if that's the BPD or some other kind of obsessive behavior ... . I hate that you are going through this and am thinking about you!

Here's something I've been holding on to lately, from Christopher Robin to Pooh Bear: “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

― A.A. Milne

Sending lots of hugs and wishing for a better week ahead.

Thanks everyone for the input! I saw my T yesterday, but I am not sure how much I feel relieved by the visit.

He has found his behavior the most bazaar. Obviously his behavior is nothing but extremely childish, nothing like what a 60 year old man should behave.

He concludes that he does not feel divorce is something my BPDhd wants at this stage. All he wants is to defeat me and the victory. He might want me to be doormat rather than a wife… Apparently he is still having his tantrum.

Because he is so illogical and dysregulated, it is not a good idea to respond to any of this nasty emails, it would feed him more ammunitions, fortunately I did not.

The last email I received from my husband was on Feb.9th and it has been 4 days since that one. He has been quiet. I am not sure whether it is a good sign or not… My therapist thinks there is a possibility that he can show up at the door, but i do not know.

To me one of the reasons he has become so mad is that I have reacted completely different from what I did before. He might have found the way I reacted is something total unexpected and it is now out of his control. But honestly there is not much I can say right now, I have said what I felt that I needed to let him know, I have done nothing wrong and I do not feel I should defend myself further in face of the nasty allegations… I have decided not to dance with him this time. He must calm himself down and think seriously what he truly wants in the relationship. If he believed  I were truly the person he believes I was, it is just not right for him or for us to stay in the marriage at all, as he will keep doing the things he has done and neither of us would be happy in the relationship.

At this stage, I have decided to wait and see…

But I must stay strong, stay firm... .

I completely agree with it. And I think it is great that you are standing your ground and not do the whole unhealthy dance with him.

|iiii

Stay strong, Sophia. 

You are doing better Sophia! Stay strong and try not to obsess about what he is up to, I know how hard that can be. Stay busy and concentrate on yourself instead of him. Peace be with you 

Thank you, Surnia & Letmeout!

My BPDhd insisted walking 11km to the florist to spend hundreds of dollars on the roses last year to show me his determination of doing this and his strong love for me.

This year one more email on Valentine's Day and more accusations.He alleged that I had compromised nothing ( business, friendship/ social life, my pet's wellbeing, my eternal love for my family) but his love and feeling towards me. He said that I had been trying to make everyone happy in my orbit, but not him…

He said we could have spent the rest of our lives together, but unfortunately he realized that i was not happy in the relationship either(?) and it would have to be ended.

What made me really upset was that he claimed that he had given me too much money for the family expenses than he should have… To me what he said is just incredible as I had insisted numerous times that he did not have to transfer the money to my account at all and that he could take care of the household HIMSELF from time to time. I never have the expectation for his money in the years of our marriage as I am financially independent myself. Yes, he transferred a bit of money to my account for the household expenses and he never did anything afterwards… I have been the one who is taking care of all the bills, the house insurance, car insurances, tax and etc…  He never asks about it and never worries about it… as if it has nothing to do with him at all. There can be piles of mails waiting for me if I am away from home for a few days… with the overdue bills... It hurt me so much that he could make such allegations. 

However, with all the above accusations, his tone seemed to be a lot more softened and he seemed to have chosen the words a lot more carefully in this message.

I have not responded to him and I will not. It is more than 22 days since my last email to him. I will see what he is going to do next... .

He is trying again to make you answering, mentioning things he knows are not true and are important values for you.

Its very hurtful for you and its a sign of your strength not to jump on it and try to defend yourself.  |iiii

It has been rather difficult period of time for me. For the last couple of days, I have been thinking of writing to my BPDhd. I have been silent for about 3 weeks during which he wrote a 7 senseless emails. I did not respond to any of them. He seemed to have calmed down a little bit. I am thinking of writing to him to let him know where i stand at this point… 

This is also one of the options my therapist gave me…

Any one has any advice? Is is a good idea? 

I think you are in a different mind state now than 3 weeks before, its not just reaction of his emails. Its an option in my eyes too.

Big question what do you want write him?

Thanks, Surnia! All i want to write is to let him know: 1, I am the one who has been trying hard to save the marriage as much as I am hurt by what he has said to me and what he has done, the reason is that I still miss the good time that we have spent together in the marriage.  2, if divorce is his ultimate decision, i will respect it, but we need a face to face meeting to have all the relating issues discussed and settled. Since he is the one who wants the divorce, he should be the one who files it, not me.

What do you think? Anyone has advice or suggestions?

I am good with 2 and have a difficulties what you want to say with 1.

Does mean "missing the good times" you have hope to go back to it, which means you want continue the relationship? Or is it more about you are done and you want express that you don't see it completely negative in hindsight?

Today it marks three months since my BPDhd walked out on me and yet the pain does not seem to become any less… My heart still aches when I wake up at the middle of the night.

I have received any emails from him since Feb.14th and nothing was heard from him on my birthday three days ago… It still is incredible and overwhelming to me what has happened when my husband organized my birthday celebration solely on this own and it lasted for a week…

With the encouragement of my family, I posted some photos of my birthday celebration on the social media and it was the 1st time since he walked out that i did it. Shockingly he commented on the photos 3 days ago shortly i posted them. Instead of wishing me a happy birthday, he said the celebration reminded him of Claire Underwood ( from the House of Cards) and he asked me to do what I was supposed to do after the celebration and put a stop on what seemingly a full and beautiful life… I did not exactly understand what he meant… yet it hurt me so much…

No further emails, nor any further accusations from him for nearly 2 weeks so far. Is he calming down? He did put a post on the social media that he had not touched alcohol for nearly three weeks… which he claimed made him think twice " to be or not to be " in terms of drinking…

In addition. I thought I was going to write to him a week or so ago… but in the end I did not… I have not written to him at all for 34 days now...

Will it be helpful for me or for us to end this saga if I keep silence? I had been always the one to start to talk to him to get him back. My guess is that he is waiting for me to break the silence to " convince" him to come back… or get him back.

I do not know what to do… My heart is bleeding…. :'( :'( :'(

I was just reading through this thread and getting up to date... . wanted to chime in.


Just my humble opinion, but I think you are doing the right then by not contacting him.  He walked out.  It's okay to require him to come back and make the first re-conciliatory contact.  I know it hurts, but you are building yourself into a stronger person right now.  Ultimately, if you want to save your marriage, part of that has to include him respecting you and honoring your boundaries.  He will only do that if he respects you as a strong woman and realizes he can't walk all over you.

So... . for not knowing what to do... . my advice is to focus on you right now.  What else is it you need to do for you?  Or want to do?  And since he apparently watches for updates on facebook (he's looking for signs he's breaking down your resistance), show him what you're up to, but let him see you moving on and building a new, healthy life and show him you are being strong for yourself. 

One of two things will then happen.  In general, people want to be around and with strong other people.  The more healthy and strong you are, the more attractive you'll be.  That's what will bring him back in a manner that will allow true change for the better in your marriage.  Or he'll realize he can't push you around anymore, and never will be able to again, and he'll move on to a new victim. 

Either way, you learn what you need to know in order for you to move on to a better life.  Not saying it's easy.  But I think you'll be better off if you wait, focus on yourself, and let him make the first move toward reconciliation.

I really appreciate your input here. As difficult as it has been, I must agree with you… He has stopped sending me nasty emails. The last one sent to me was on Feb.13th. I do not really know what he is up to now. One thing for sure is that he has purchased one new apartment in a resort and seems to be living there as he posted some pictures and the surroundings of where it is. I have never responded to any of these postings.

It has been 3 months and 3 days since he walked out at the end of the holiday… I have   been trying very hard to keep myself busy… focus more on the business, yet there is not a day that goes by I have stopped thinking of what has happened and trying to figure out what went wrong and why it happened…

There is not much more I can do at this point and I am trapped so deeply… The pain does not seem to ease a bit... .

The pain will ease, Sophia, it just takes time. I remember reading a book about a true story of a woman who's husband basically did the same thing yours did, she later found out that he had been leading a double life and she never had a clue. The moral of the story was that not only did she recover, but went on to love again and found more happiness than she could imagine was ever possible. 

Every time I visit this forum my stomach flips when I see my uBPDh's words verbatim. Along with money this is his biggest issue - that I do everything for everyone and don't give a rats ___ about him.

How are you now Sofia? Hope you are feeling better. Hugs.

Thanks very much for the input! I started to see a BPD specialist in town and trying to get some more understanding of my husband's behavior. However, I did write him another email this Monday letting him know that i have never given up on him or the marriage and told him the reason I had not written anything to him over the last month and half was because I wanted to give him more time and space to reflect. I did once again tell him that I would be waiting for his homecoming, no response from him at all….

I know where he is and he does not keep it as a secret from me any more. He is now staying at a hotel where he used to live briefly and where his cousins are. He has never mentioned a word about the issue we are having and to his cousins this is only one of the business trips…

It has been more than 3 months and it does not seem to get any easier. It seems that he has calmed down since there are no more no accusations, or simply  he has run out of the accusations… I have no idea... . :'(

   

I haven't read all 5 pages of this thread and this may of been mentioned already but all of the "you are this... . " and "you feel that... . " and everything that begins with "you" or "you are" is his projecting his feelings/thoughts on to you.  Substitute "I'm" or "I am" with each of his "you" or "you are" and you will gain better insight in to his true thoughts.

Next, identify your goals with him.  It may seem obvious but the first goal should be to get him to stop sending nasty emails to you.  More long term goals would be to get the marriage back on track.  The tools to use to get to those goals are validation of his (dysregulated) emotions.

Identify what emotion(s) it is that he is feeling.  Obviously a lot of it is anger.  Some of it is probably sadness as well.

Validate the emotions that you identify (not the action(s)!)  Validate by asking him if he is angry.  Once he confirms that (which will be obvious but these are baby steps in the process), validate that emotion by letting him know that he does seem very angry to you.  Ask if he can explain to you what has made him so angry.  Anybody might be angry if they felt that (this) was said or done to them.  Let him know that you realize that.  But (here's the kicker), let him know that it makes you (sad, scared) when he is angry like this.  Gauge his emotional level after some time validating that emotion.  Avoid "I feel like" or "I... . ".  Take yourself out of it.  Instead try "seems like you... . " and "how did 'that' make you feel?".

Now, see if you can help him come to a better solution.  :)on't offer advice.  Just propose alternative ways that he can better express his emotion and let the decision lay with him.  Example "maybe I could talk to your ex for you and find out what the visitation days are.  :)o you think that would be a good idea or would you feel more comfortable doing that yourself?".  

These are guidelines from the book "When Hope is Not Enough".  I've been praising that book for a few days since I finished reading it and applying what was suggested in it with my dBPDgf.  

www.amazon.com/When-Hope-Not-Enough-Dobbs/dp/1435719190

P.S. It would be better to do this in person (only if you feel safe around him!) than via email so that you can get a true gauge of how he is responding.  If visiting him is out of the question, do it over the phone.  Engaging in email back and forth will not suffice here as you will not be able to sense if he is returning to "baseline" or not.

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