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What is it with my uBPDexgf wanting to be friends. Ever since right before NYE I have been receiving texts. Now, some of these texts she was blasting me for things that she feels I’m not doing right…or blasting me for how things were in the past.

But today, the last text read “I just want to be friends, that is all”. “Let the past go, and lets build a friendship”.

Why…... why, why.

Be careful. If you agree to be friends with her  if you start getting close again she'll push you away & likely pull you back in again when she feels bad. I guarantee you it will not be like a normal post breakup friendship.

Lets translate that with our trusty BPD lens on "Let the past go State85 because than you will hold me responsible for my ___ awful treatment of you and that would mean that I am a truly horribly afflicted and terrible person. And if that were the case, I would have to paint myself black and banish myself to the hell I have cast you upon and I will not allow that to happen so lets forgo that brutal punishment that I do not wish to endure but rather you do so for my sake and lets build a friendship once more... . So that I may destroy you once again as soon as soon as you get close to me. Well, because than you will see me for the horrific person I really am and than I do not wish to see that in myself and well, you served this role before so why not again, I shall recast you back into the furnace of Hades where I really belong, but it would be better if you went in my stead, instead. How does that sound dear friend?"

Do not become friends with her. Your horrific ordeal will begin anew if you allow reentry.

BPD is an attachment disorder.  There is a book called, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me - the title alone sums up the dynamics - it is BPD.

So, can YOU be friends?  It depends on you... . are you willing to learn the staying board tools and use them?  Are you willing to truly accept you are one of his triggers, as such, there are times he won't  be rational or nice - can you not personalize this stuff?

It doesn't matter if he wants to be friends -the point is, do you?  Take a look at article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

If you accept these 10 False Beliefs as true - is this what you want in a friendship?  Are you capable of being friends with someone who requires this much and will trigger you own issues at times?

Best,

SB

o... . ouch you described it perfectly. If you stay friends with her, no matter how much you act like a friend she will eventually get scared again. I did my absolute best to stay friends with mine but she'd forever be in a panic that we were getting too close & push me away.

To this day, I have no idea why she thought that as getting her to open up about basic stuff that friends talk about would shut her down.

If you do this, be prepared for a minefield or a friend that you only see/talk to rarely. I'd advise only doing it when you have truly let go yourself.

The ex wanted to be friends with me also.  She texted me every day for 2 weeks.  I simply responded with one word answers.  The last text I got from her was to stop harassing her or she was going to sue me.  This was the day after I told her she might have BPD.  Her message was followed up by a phone call by the police.  I guess she felt like she had lost control of me.  Oh well... .

o.O So she was the one doing the constant texting, but accused you of harassment?

Did the police do anything?

Can you say " extinction burst"?

yeah, the last day of texting (that morning) she actually sent a text telling me that it was ok if I texted her first sometimes. .  I said "ok"   It's like these people think they are God's gift to the World.  I broke it off with her and she knew she still had the power up until then.

The question was can you be friends with them?

The answer is... . why would you even want to be friends with someone who uses you, treats you like crap, turns you inside out and your world upside down, and drops you like yesterdays garbage when convenient to do so?

Ha, that is HILLARIOUS! "Let the past go".

Yeah, forget that when you needed her she wasn't there. That you were laying in bed feeling like your heart was ripped out of your chest, wanting to die.

Yeah. My reply: Bite me.

Sorry, I am a little bit stronger today, a little more realistic about what I want and deserve in my life.

Ironman, sums it up perfectly. This person jacked around with your heart and treated you like shyt. Is that what you want in a friend? So now they have you as a backup to run to when their new relationship doesn't work out? So they can "triangulate" you and use you as leverage against some poor schmoe who is now in the place you once were?

Then, then as soon as they get "serious" with the new person they dump your a_ _ because the new person has a problem with them being friends with their exes.

They only want you when they NEED you.

That is a user. That is NOT a friend.

Think about it and I think you can honestly answer whether you can be friends or not.  If you want to go through what you just did, with even less boundaries because you are NOT a couple... .

your choice but you seriously need to think about it. I think you are worth much more than that.

I understand what everyone is saying here. I do not want to be friends with her, it is not possible.

I just think its disturbing how she thinks. She can text me and paint me black over and over again, and in the end... . "but we're still friends"

that is some twisted... . you know what.

Ironman... . well said

Earthangel... definitely correct, a backup, an object... . that is all

State.

  Mine initially told me while dumping me in my driveway, days before Halloween... . "We should see other people. We are very, very different. You are my best friend. I will always be here for you, I'm not going anywhere. I love you, "very, very much". She cried and hugged me for five minutes then drove off, went to a group function and proclaimed she was "back on the market".

Mutual friends informed me of this

When I told her "no" to being friends, knowing she already had my replacement. She proceeded to tell me the relationship failing was all my fault.

One of her exes contacted me on FB and told me this wasn't my fault. And I told my ex this. I told her she isn't capable of loving someone and I couldn't fix this.

She then accused me of contacting all her exes, told me she would never trust me for betraying her and broadcasting her info (which I didn't do). She said she would never speak to me again and was gone from my life for good (because that is a punishment when she has already treated me like, shyt, right?)

She blocked FB, deactivated her email and changed her number. Haven't heard from her since Nov 15th.

Do you really want someone like that as your friend? Someone who will only communicate when THEY want to and on THEIR terms? What kind of friend is that? One sided to say the least.

No F'ing way.

I'm glad I came across this as I was asked to be friends also... ironman... . you sum it up perfectly... I don't post a lot but read a lot and your posts are really helpful for me.                   I was told we couldn't be together but we could be great friends... . why... . why would I want someone as a friend who can't talk to me or treat me as a person who loved them? I don't!   I feel stronger today... . our last spoken words were her telling me I filled a void in her life... . after all we did... . I hung up nye and don't want no further part in it,her or us... . I'm done. They want to be friends so they don't have to reflect and think bad of themselves... . mine messaged me earlier telling me she didn't want things to end as they did... . meaning she feels shyt for what she did and said and wants me to tell her its ok I don't mind... . but I do... . I do mind and been thinking why would I allow someone to treat me like that and think its acceptable... . anyways don't want to hijack but they want us when it suits and for their needs... . they can't accept we left because of their behaviour... . its needs to be our fault

Broken,

  You touch on a re-occuring word in these posts:NEED

Needing and Wanting is different than Loving.

They are self-serving.

I've heard borderlines referred to as sucubuses or vampires. They drain you of every last drop before discarding you for something new.

There is NOTHING you can do to change them. It really is a case of "it is what it is". It's just up to you to jump off the crazy train.

broken

You nailed it... . they want to be friends so that don't have to reflect on their actions... . exactly, well said!

Along with the obvious of being on their rolodex when others abandon them

I finally figured that out today... . them wanting to be friends so they don't have to reflect... . mine multiple times told me to eff off and she was deleting my number... . yet it is she who 'needs' to talk because she can't face looking at herself. So sad... . and I know that should I respond or have any further communication with her or become friends then she will project everything back onto me. Leave me feeling like I'm the problem and i can't keep doing this to myself and my own mental well being. I'm a caring person as we all are... . hence being the rescuers we are... . but I know I will get burnt... . I will get burnt badly by getting back onto the merry go round. For me I now need to begin processing everything,working through my emotions and re discovering who I am... . yes I love her... . yes I care... . I can say that. Friendship serves only them and prolongs our healing. It may feel un natural but I love myself more than I love the treatment I received.

Agreed. Friendship serves only them. I can recall de-friending her on FB in the past. It was traumatic for her. This is probably why she has so many FB friends, and are mostly guys. She likes the attention, the acknowledgement, thrives on it. And wants to keep me as a friend. I really don't want to be part of her ex boyfriend posse that lean on her every FB post, or text, or phone call. They are all orbiters, waiting until the current replacement bails or she bails on them... . and there they are waiting their turn. They can jump on, I'm off the crazy b%^&ch ride.

I agree with all the pots above. A friend of mine yesterday who never met her said that I should give her a call so the we could still be friends and hang out because we had so many common interests. I tried to explain to him that as I much as I enjoyed her company and certainly all the common interests that we shared that none of it was worth the pain that was sure to follow. Unless you've lived it, it's hard to explain. It is not a normal breakup where you can remain friends.

It depends on how you define friendship. Maybe at one time they felt strong feelings for us that they thought of as love, but was the relationship healthy and growing, mostly comfortable? I tried being friends with mine, too. I pretty much enjoyed the time I spent with her, so the sudden cut-off from her didn't make any sense to me. I read up on BPD and sent her thoughtful letters. She would either ignore me for months, or send me a very shallow acknowledgment, or just go off the deep-end. I'm not even sure she read them. I agree with everyone else here. It's sad in a way, but the most responsible thing to do would be to find better friends and let our ex's deal and hopefully heal their issues.

I vote No. With friendship there is trust, and honesty.

in the history of these boards has anyone ever held a consistent and positive friendship with their xBPD? it's a big world, i'm sure maybe it's happened once, but i've never heard of it... .

and i agree with State85 about the orbiting xbfs/xgfs of the xBPD -- this is a role i simply refuse to play. those guys are just desperate in my opinion. a person wBPD never fully respects their partners and respects ex "friends" even less.

I wasn't friends with her when we dated. Why would you orbit them. There is zero chance of a relationship working after the first breakup. The only way she ever has a chance of being in the same room with me again is if I am over her, horny and in the mood for a trashy slut. Unlikely.

I wrote this answer in another thread in regards to the same topic, bears repeating.  I've lived it, this is from experience.



Being friends does not work, been there, done that.  And here's why, their interpretation of "friends" means sending you mixed signals to keep you hooked, you wanting things to be as they were, them wanting you around to be useful, you jumping at every chance to take the crumbs they throw down, them relying on you for their emotional caretaking, you being depleted/sucked dry and getting no support in return, them deciding that maybe you've been as useful as you can be, you trying even harder to keep up the 'connection', them pushing you farther and farther away, you thinking to yourself, "what have I done now", them finally making you crazy enough to end things, them writing you and telling you the friendship didn't work because YOU were too dependent or "entertwined"  Yep, that's how that goes... .

Go, now, away... . Don't be here in three years like I am, learn from my ill fated faux relationship

CiF

What a timely thread for me!  My not soon enough to be xBPDh just asked me again (for the 4 or 5th time) if we could be friends.  I don't know how many times I have to tell him that he doesn't have the qualities I look for in a friend.  My Friends don't lie to me, they don't verbally, emotionally and financially abuse me.  They don't betray me or use me ... . All (and then some) of which he has done to me.

I suspect he and his "soulmate" must have gotten into a fight.

I have to agree that I have no desire to be friends with "him" knowing all I know now. 

The people I call my friends are people that have proven I can count on them.  I can trust them when I tell them things I don't want repeated.  They don't lie to me, cheat me, hurt me.

It reminds me of the saying, "with friends like that, who needs enemies?"   

i found this poem i wrote a while ago about 'friendship', it's called Pee on the Roses

Pee on the Roses:

you put on your poses

you pee on the roses

you've buried your nose in

so many a$$holes that

you can't smell the poo that comes out of your mouth

yes it's true

i want nothing to do with you

nothing nothing nothing to do with you

--the end! I hope it makes people laugh more than cry. don't pee on my roses! 

OK Goldy I'll bite!

I had what I'd say was a consistent positive friendship with my ex for 18 months. But I think there were special circumstances that made that possible, and even so, it's ended now as those circumstances ended.

First, I spent nearly a year in NC, and when I got back in touch as a friend, I genuinely did not want to try to be his partner b/c I'd figured out his history & grasped that everything is a trigger ... .

Even so, I wasn't prepared for the intense pulling from him. at the time I thought he really valued our special connection. Looking back now, I'd say I appeared at an amazingly convenient time in his life, related to Special Circumstance #2: he was single. Very rare in his life. I think he knew he needed to do it, I think his therapist had urged him to (she urged him to when we split but first he had another go-round with his ex from before me).  He also has hermit tendencies as he gets older.  When I showed up, he could use me as a quasi-gf but without accountability or rules, and with only as much intimacy as he could take at any time. It was the perfect BPD r/s!

For me it felt like maybe this was the best he could do in maintaining a steady LTR, & it DID feel really worthwhile. It didn't fit a label but it was neat. He shared w/me more intimately than when we were dating & we were able to learn how to deal w/conflict & hurt. he wasn't mirroring me & I think that was a big deal for him, to learn closeness w/a woman w/o mirroring.

But earlier this year Special Circumstance #2 ended--he started to see someone else. And things changed for us. i stopped being his "person" and it became clearer he was using me when he didn't have someone else. When he did, he was much more sporadic w/me. obviously that's true with other friends who are in r/ships, but here, he pulls me so close, it's not OK to then suddenly drop me and act like that wasn't even happening. basically he got to use me like a gf but then set me aside to chase someone else w/o even feeling any compunction or guilt about it.

It doesn't work for me to be used. I think the fact that he was single for so long obscured the "using" quality of the r/s b/c it felt equal & reciprocal--b/c it was in fact his primary r/s.

I recently told him I felt displaced/replaced & if he wanted to stay close, he needed to sustain what he started w/me. This made him mad and it appears we are done.

Had he been dating others all along I don't think this ever would have developed in the rich, deep way it seemed to.

Ya I suspect my ex is either having problems with her new boyfriend(s) (she says they aren't in a r/s), but I've been lied to before... . or she is just setting me up for those times when she is alone... . but she has the orbiters. Don't pull my number b$&$@ch, I'm not available!

I'd love to enlighten these guys... . nah, I wouldn't. Crash and burn guys... .

I believe you can be a friend if you are nonattached. That is a bit of a problem since there is typically a certain level of attachment when it comes to friendships. I say "nonattached" instead of "detached" in that I personally think of detached as separated/apart without emotional investment, whereas nonattached can be involved but not taking it personally when they go "dark" on you.

But yeah... . a conventional friendship probably isn't going to work for most people and a BPDex.

My stbex is all about the "friendship" but he can't give me a clear definition of what that means to him.

I know we'll still have to be friendly as we have a 10 year old son together and will have to work out a bunch of stuff about and for him, but being "friends" is a little too far fetched for me. Ugh...  

WOW this is so spot on I spewed my coffee. No matter what the issue, it is all about them... . what they need, what they want, what they can get, what they manipulate. And, everything is always your fault, including inclement weather. 

They have no friends!

They have long distance people they call friends, they are monsters.

Mine has just burned the friend I introduced her too for her new job and lied and manipulated her to side with her when she had an affair with the investor. Now she owns the investor and my friend is left in the s***, when people act immorally they are immoral and eventually you will get burnt.

They were never our friend, they were monsters eating away at being human, all the worst for us when the monster fully appears. They started to abuse us the minute they met us, it just was disguised:

self hate as idealising you

Terminally doomed as princess's helplessness

domination as sexual passion

perversion as freedom

hate as love

Pathological selfishness as Generosity

Friendship? They are literally not capable of it. These attributes are so precious we have forgotten there beauty... . but we here have been reminded in the hardest way possible... . what is worth and what is worthless.

Friendship, come on!

They are our enemies and treated us as enemies from the start. We got involved that's where it all went wrong.

NC

Love to all

     NO. NON. NYET. Friendship with a BPD ex means you still cop all the negative stuff - lies, rages, etc. because you have been more than just friends, and will therefore continue to trigger them (through no fault of your own). As for the positive stuff, she'll be giving that to someone else. So what's in it for you except more hurt, more expense, and eventually the pain of starting the detachment process all over again?

You've got it - To an absolute T. You are never quite sure where you stand with them as they say onething yet do another. Mixed signals everywhere. They have no issue with throwing you a bone when they think they'll benefit from it, but will never let you do the same to them.


This is also true, it's incredibly hard not to take things personally when they go dark on you. If *any* friend did that I'd worry about what I'd done wrong & how to fix it, but the issue is... none of my other friends would have done it in the first place because they are... friends! Friends work issues out instead of ignoring/going dark on each other.

      Ain't that the truth.

So many awesome points here.

ChangingMan has one that really resonated with me:

"When people act immorally they are immoral and eventually you will get burnt"

He also brought up a very valid point.  My ex has 1... . yes 1 actual friend here. This friend is someone she leans on only when she needs her.

Notice the word: NEED. She ignored this chick for months when dating me but as soon as she is done with me, she becomes her crutch, her "best pal".

My ex would talk about all her friends from 20yrs ago. All friends she will text or occassionally call. She talks about them like she just saw them yesterday for coffee when it's been like five years!

The rest of her friends are exes that are either now married, with someone or so removed from her bullsh_t they don't really care anymore. All these exes are out of state and phone/text/FB buddies.

The best opportunity she had of making friends was through me. Now, she is dating one of those friends. Once she screws that up she will be back to her "back up friend" as this new girl and I are in the same social circle. She won't be able to hang with any of these people once she burns the new one.

Yeah. Mine was always on about wanting to keep a friendship but never told me exactly what that meant. Things I'd ask her to do or we would do as friends set off alarm bells in her head that I was getting too close and I'd get yet another "I just want to be friends" message from her. It was bizarre (& draining)

EXACTLY the way it was with the XBPDgf!  She ignored even her two or three closest friends until she needed them, and the same with people out of state.  It's allll smoke and mirrors, everything they say (general statement I know) has tiny facets of truth like shiny facets of a diamond, you can't really pick em out.

Dang, when my rose colored glasses came off, they really came FREAKING OFF 

CiF

I started this thread and have read so many good responses I thought I would summarize those that really need repeating:

“Lets build a friendship”…So that I may destroy you once again as soon as you get close to me, and you will see me for the horrific person I really am, that I do not wish to see in myself…you served this role before, so why not again.

“Friends”…Are we as Nons truly willing to accept that we are one of their triggers, and will be again.

It doesn’t matter if they want to be friends, the question is do we?

These people think they are God’s gift to the world. My ex, and another who posted here stated his ex actually said “it is o.k. if I texted her first sometimes” Really?, we need permission?

Why would we even want to be friends with someone who uses you, treats you like crap, turns you inside out and your world upside down, and drops you like yesterdays garbage when convenient to do so?

This person jacked around with your heart and treated you like shyt. Is that what you want in a friend? So now they have you as a backup to run to when their new relationship doesn’t work. So they can triangulate you and use you as leverage against some poor schmoe who is now in the place you once were? Then as soon as they get “serious” with the new person, they dump you as a friend because the new person has a problem with them being friends with their exes.

They only want you when they NEED you. That is a user, not a friend.

Why would be go through this with them as friends, with even less boundaries now because you are not in a r/s.

“You are my best friend, I will always be here for you”. Ya, I’ve heard this as well. My best friends don’t contact me and paint me black all over again.

They will only communicate when THEY want to, and on THEIR terms. What kind of friend is that?

They want to be friends with us so they don’t have to reflect and think bad of themselves for what they did to us.

But they want us when it suits them, and only for their needs. They can’t accept we left because of their behavior.

Mine, as well as another poster, had our exes multiple times telling us to eff off….yet she is the one who needs to talk. And apparently can’t talk to anyone else.

Friendship serves only them and prolongs our healing.

With friendship there is trust, and honesty. Any of ya’ll get any of that when in a r/s, and why do you think you will get it now?

Their interpretation of “friends” means sending mixed signals to keep you hooked, them wanting you around to be useful, you jumping at every chance to take the crumbs they throw down, them relying on you for their emotional caretaking……

They don’t have the qualities I look for in a friend. My friends don’t lie to me, they don’t verbally or physically assault , or financially abuse me.

No matter what the issue, it is all about them…what they need, what they want, what they can get, what they can manipulate. And everything is always our fault.

They were never our friend in the beginning, they are literally not capable of it.

Sorry this was so long. As a side note, I haven’t heard from my exgf since the barrage of bashing texts followed by “lets be friends” texts a couple of days ago. Guess she is busy……...