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One thing that really helped me when my relationship ended was this: instead of mourning the things I would miss as I'd done previously,  I focused on remembering the behaviour I most definitely wouldn't. One biggie for me was the relentless,  never-ending criticism - and being free of that has been like being let out of prison. In contrast I truly cannot recall ever saying anything unkind or unsupportive to my ex in all the time we were together. So this is a list of the things she had a - negative - opinión on:-

In no particular order. ... .

My car

My hair

My job - that's my "sad-arsed do-gooder" job to be precise

My make-up

My tone of voice

My family - aka my "f*****g freak family"

My clothes

My phone

My apartment

I was too thin

I gained a little weight. I was too fat. Arrghh!

And last but not least... . my vacuum cleaner - yes unbelievable but true!

Makes you wonder how she put up with me for so long doesn't it?

Can anyone add to that list? 

I can laugh about it now but at the time it was less than funny. And seriously I do know she must have been suffering more than me to say those things. My self esteem has however recovered - just about. If you're going through the same I hope yours does too.  :)

  Your vacuum cleaner must have really sucked! Or perhaps, like my uBPDxgf once she'd started devaluing me, it didn't. :'(

Sounds like a lot of projection going on there. Mine thought she was too fat, so she started complaining about me (though I was no more than 10 lbs more than when we met, and I lost 23 lbs over the past few months due to stress... . not that she noticed, her mom did). She even said it interfered with intimacy, yet her new lover, by what I can determine online, is a huge football player type, who may be half my age and in better cardio shape, but he is large and looks more "fatty" than I do. So that once is easy to get out of my mind, that mental flea  my-issues

My eating habits (reflecting on her since they view us as part of themselves, not as separate, autonomous beings)

The way I washed dishes... . she'd often take everything out of the drainer and re-wash

My vacuuming. Once she was in a cleaning rage and I had overvacuumed a small area rug. She then took the vc from me and proceeded to vacuum the same area for 5 more mins

Anything and everything to do with how I raised the kids... . though this got better. I showed a picture to my T today where my X had said our D1 was too cold (I took them into a small amount of snow). T said D1 looked happy and fine. But my X said, "I know my baby, and she was too cold! You put the wrong outfit on her!" I will have to deal with this for a few years... .

I could add to this, but I'll just say the constant walking on eggshells to not piss her off. Some days something would happen where I would perceive one of her triggers, and other days things were just fine. I was anxious all of the time though.

We were once at a party with then S2 and D6mos. I had the baby. She had our son, waiting in line for face painting. I think I had the greater responsibility, no? My X raged at me afterwards because she said I should have taken her something to drink since she sat in the line for 20 mins and was thirsty. No more ruined parties and holidays... . I am looking forward to that!

Ah projection yes. Without going into detail the things she criticised in me were far from perfect in her. But I wouldn't have dreamt of commenting in a negative way. None of us are perfect and you accept a chosen partner as they are don't you? When she joked about her 'dark side' I even said she shouldn't change because that was part of who she was. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.  Hmm, on reflection probably not a good move on my part!   :)

Oh yes... the endless list.

My voice

My weight (always to fat - I'm not... . but when I lost 57.2 pounds he didn't notice)

My clothes (always inappropriate - I wasn't sexy enough)

The way i walk 

My cooking - never enough seasoning or too salty

My cleaning - there had to be issues in the cleaning department!

My grammar

My friends

My family

My church

The way I dressed the kids

The sex, or may I put it, sex with me

My hair color - cut it, grew it, dyed it... .

My job (took too much time away from him... . I quit... . stupid me)

endless... .

Hi Monarch Butterfly. I like your name. Have you been watching The Dome?

Sexy clothes... .   I'd forgotten about that one. Now I don't look too bad for my age so I'm told,  but I just don't want to be tottering around in 6 inch heels and mini skirts all day. My choice.

I forgot a good one as well in my list... . I went to the doctor's when I was ill. Excuse me? I thought that's what they were paid huge amounts of money for,  to help sick people get better? Apparently not.

Sounds like you've been through a rough time. Are you permanently separated now?

Hi Artic Monkey... . No, I'm not separated but would love to be.  :) I have agreed to wait until June or July to separate because he is in the middle of his masters and I would hate to be the cause of him flipping out, having a breakdown and not getting his degree.

They are just papers anyway... . I am working on separating emotionally, which hasn't been that hard once I get a good look at what I went through. Just look at my list 

 

And yes, I didn't think the oddly short skirts and deathly high heels were appropriate either... .

Nope, haven`t been watching The Dome. I'll check into it. Why?

Because a monarch butterfly features quite heavily!  Worth watching if you like Stephen King.  :)