BPDFamily.com

Now that ive broken up with my xpwBPD im having thoughts that she will try to hurt me and manipulate me as much as she can every time she can. since i broke NC with her, mostly my fault because i wanted to say bye to her son who was like mine for 3 years. Now i feel she is going to do spiteful things due to the fact that We left on a bad note, well at least to her and was angry towards me, no matter im afraid she might use the kid to hurt or use me, or worse manipulate the boy and paint me black, i guess i just feel for him and his own mind. i would love to believe her speech about after me she would focus only on her and her child for the better, but at this point i dont know what to trust if anything at all and i just dread the idea that this might be the start of a worse chapter... .

i would hate to let go of the kid overnight and i know within me i never will, but i feel i might be pushed to it by these thoughts.

as well as her lying to her own friends no matter how small the lies so now i feel she might retaliate and however form.

i am going to try to stay absolute NC with her, but what about when i unintentionally see or hear something about her, something i didnt want to know but learn about it

how can i deal with this?

knowing that she cant help it doesnt feel enough right now to for me to feel safe and not knowing how to cope is a vicious hole i feel ive been getting closer or closer to. i want to believe ill be ok... . that ill be great... . but i cant picture myself being at the point that i might need real help.

should i just assume i need extra help?

Hey MOF... . I am so sorry that you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.  It will pass, but it is a difficult way to live right now.  Please consider that you have experienced a deep wound and that it will take energy and focus for you to recover.  When we are hurt in this way, or even physically, it can feel overwhelming to deal with other demands or to have the energy to anticipate what might happen.  Your first priority is to tend to your own hurt and state of mind.

What do you mean when you say you might need real help?  What specifically are you referring to?  Is there a type of specific threat that concerns you?

As a general response, we all need help... . from friends, loved ones, this site and often professionals  I have certainly sought out help from all of these resources, and I still am.  So, don't hesitate to call on any and all resources and people who can help you. 

i mean i guess i feel in a bit of denial that i might need professional help, i cant picture myself being the type of guy that went to therapy to be honest. yet the idea of her purposely trying to get to me and hurt me, most likely passively, and the actions she might do feel overwhelming right now and i guess im doubting whether i have or not what it takes to do this on my own.

i can feel myself balancing between positiveness and negativeness and its a bit scary to see myself like this.

MOF, you have just, and I mean just, experienced some severe shocks to your emotional well being.  Infidelity itself is very painful in any relationship, but all the more so in the midst of one as unstable and confusing as yours was.  Please do not minimize the impact of such a betrayal. 

You are in control of your own destiny and you are capable of putting your life on a positive path and one that is not vulnerable to her manipulations. 

This being said, part of taking control of your life and moving forward is making a clear assessment of how you are doing right now and taking some steps to gain access to the resources that will help you.  Please consider that therapists are a resource to assist you in identifying issues and hurts and then to bring healing and strength.  There really is not a "type of guy" that goes to therapy!  When we have been injured we often need assistance to identify the extent of the injury and have assistance to bring healing.

I would like to point out something to you.  In your post you write the following: "yet the idea of her purposely trying to get to me and hurt me, most likely passively, and the actions she might do... . "

May I suggest to you that it is not a question of "might."  She has already purposely hurt you, actively and passively.  I think you are beyond the stage of "might." 

This being said, it does not mean that you need to fear the future or what she can do to hurt you further... . but you do need to continue to work at seeing things the way they really are and to start adjusting your thoughts and actions accordingly... . as you are!

Hang in there... . you are on a journey.  Your honesty and candor in these posts is serving you well as you are in the process of getting a more accurate perspective on what is going on in your life.

im trying tot control myself as much as i can, having some difficulties sorting through the aftermath i guess

i felt i was doing ok and now the biggest discomfort is growing inside me:

the fact that she acted and seemed like she genuinely like she wanted to completely turn things around but quickly not only let go of everything but made sure she destroyed it.

now i feel a terrible illogical sense of guilt... . for thinking she might have actually have committed if only i myself didnt lose my focus and mind in general. my logical mind tells me the fact that when she DID give up it was complete annihilation and my heart tells me she gave up because of my own issues, i cant explain my own difficulties to see the right path knowing that its there... .

thank you so much winston, for helping me

Feeling confused, having difficulty sorting through the aftermath, having a big discomfort growing inside of you are likely all "healthy" responses to what has happened.  They seem to be appropriate responses, even if they are uncomfortable.  Try this view... . you have just been in an intimate relationship with someone who has a lot of inner conflict and confusion.  You were close to her and trusted her.  Yet... . she was telling you she loved you while she was cheating on you.  She deceived you so did not know what was really happening.  I would say that is a confusing set of circumstances that should lead you to some discomfort.  The prolonged deception is really difficult because your emotions become so disconnected from the reality of what is happening in your relationship.  You were giving yourself to a relationship with her while she was pursuing some one(s) else.  It not only hurts your heart as a broken romance, it turns your world upside down.  What you thought was true, is not; what you thought you could trust, you no longer can... . you end up having quite a bit of factual matter to sort through, and are starting to do that while in the midst of acute emotional pain. 

Simply stated, when the object of your affection becomes the willful source of your worst pain... . well, you are going to have some big discomfort growing inside you!  And, MOF, you should.  These feelings are indicators for you... . they will enlighten you about what has been hurting you, what you need to avoid and what you need to pursue.

In an earlier post you wrote, i would love to believe her speech about after me she would focus only on her and her child for the better, but at this point i dont know what to trust if anything at all and i just dread the idea that this might be the start of a worse chapter

Losing trust in yourself and, of course, in her makes sense at this point... . the core of what you believed and relied upon intellectually and emotionally was betrayed.  The restoration of trust in your own judgment and feelings begins primarily with the simple but uncomfortable process of paying attention to your thoughts and feelings and engaging them.  Losing trust in ourselves is a horrible consequence of trusting someone who then deceives us.  We begin to regain that trust in ourselves by paying attention to ourselves and then taking the risk of believing in what we discover.  In the very beginning, it might mean admitting to ourselves that we are really, really hurt.  Yes, just simply feeling the pain is informative.  And it is an act of trust in ourselves that acknowledges that our feelings are real and justified and need to be honored.  It also starts to inform us about the reality of what was going on in the relationship.  It hurts!  Really, really hurts!  Oddly, embracing this is what leads most quickly to resolving the hurt.

You will be ok, MOF... . you are on your way.

i cant thank you and this place enough

this place is the only thing that has been holding me up and i truly appreciate it

my life cannot change and improve fast enough for the mean time but i know this is just the start of a long and hard but worthy process.

thank you all.

MOF... . we are all thankful for this place!  It is wonderful to have access to others who have experienced similar things... . just invaluable and life altering.

Keep feeling, keep thinking, keep listening to yourself, keep posting... .

hey all!     :/ ... .

So today i wake up went on my computer which has windows 8 (i hate it now) it automatically sings me into windows messenger... .

i stupidly saw i had a message and opened it.

it was her... no words really, just an "angry" face, she probably thinks her best friend betrayed her about her affair when it was really me who found her sites password and saw things myself. i know her being angry or mad and hating me is just splitting so that she can survive. is it even worth it to explain NO ONE betrayed her by herself or should i just let go knowing i did all i could and if i did something wrong it was NEVER on the level of talking to someone not even in a platonic way. i rather continue NC but idk if i want to risk myself to her retaliation just because shes mad at something imaginary. am i beating a dead horse? should i just go back to sleep?... . ughhhh