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After a rocky couple of years of trying to "train" my uBPDmom how to treat me, I thought things were somewhat ok.  However I have caught her in a lie.  She has been working toward selling her house to move out of the bad state she lives in and had me thinking she had applied to "elderly" apartment complexes in a couple of different states including mine.  Here lately she has "depended" on me to deliver paperwork that seemed to be odd not to be able to fax them.  Later she admitted that she was told they could be faxed to the office.  Then when I brought up what information she had retrieved from the other states for an apartment she seemed to have it hurt her feelings.  This tells me she had not planned any move to the other state.  I do not know how to handle this now.  Any suggestions?  I do, so far have a working relationship with her and do not plan to end contact but need advice on how to proceed with this.  I am not comfortable with her moving close to me.

Hi susiecue,

Just so I have a good understanding, let me make sure I have this right: your mother has been asking you to hand-deliver applications to a few apartment complexes, rather than faxing them? At the same time, it sounds like she wasn't planning to move to any other states, and wasn't completely open with you about that. I can see why you're irritated.

Why do you think she wasn't completely transparent about the move, and why she didn't tell you that she was only planning to move to your state? Is it possible that she didn't honestly know or forgot that she could fax them?

How is your relationship otherwise? I don't blame you for being nervous about having her closer to you.

I only within the last two years figured this condition was my mother's condition so I have lived with her manipulations my entire 42 years of life.  Just this year, she came to visit for a weekend and I was really nervous about it but went along with it.  She stayed in a motel but came by my home first then later on, my daughter and I went to her room and had a great time, visited, laughed and totally enjoyed ourselves.  Problem is I have had my guard up for a long time and when this visited happened, it was so good that I let my guard down way more than I should have and in order to keep from hurting her feelings, have not questioned any of her motives.  With this in mind, she has been able to start manipulating the situation all over again and I do not know if it has gotten too far gone to stop.

A little background... .

My daughter and I moved away from our home state from my mother secretly because she had become so obsessive that if she had found out we were going to move she would mess with my car so I could not drive it, call the place I was moving to make sure they thought I was going to be a bad tenant so that would not give me a place to live (she did that one already), or any other way to stop me she could think of.  When we moved she lost her mind, as if she was not being insane already, about it and started trying to get my daughter's father to take custody of her from me.  I found out and completely cut off communication for a while. 

My dad and I eventually started talking again.  He had left mom for sanity and I blamed him for leaving me.  He and I talked solid, daily, long distance and mended a relationship and I discovered he and my aunt and uncle had received death threats.  Eventually, long story short, he did not move with me and the death threats were carried out and I had to go back home to attend 1 big funeral for 3.  Of course, mom was there and pretended to want to be there for me in front of everyone, I just went along.  Eventually I moved and met a guy who I became engaged to.  Eventually my mother started calling repentantly.  Being very sorry for tons of things.  I had previous experience with this but my now husband encouraged me to give her a chance.  She had my husband convinced she could not wait to be his mother in law and eventually talked him into moving all of us three back to her home state.  Of course when that happened, the tables turned fast.  I became her enemy and object of manipulation again as well as my husband became the object of her complete hatred.  Eventually after 3.5 months of mental torture we moved 4.5 hours away and have settled. 

I feel this may be the restart of previous junk.  I am totally uncomfortable with this and do not know how to handle this but almost am tempted to do some "fixing things" like she did to halt her movement.  She does need to move away from where she lives but someplace other than close to me.  What do you think?

It could be that she's trying some of the same behaviors she tried before. The thing is, though, you're not the same person you were two years ago, right? You've learned a lot since then. What could you do to protect yourself if she does move closer to you? You've already done some of the work by having her stay at a hotel when she visited--that set a boundary that sounds like it worked out well.

How involved do you need to be in her housing situation?