BPDFamily.com

So, I was waiting at a bus stop yesterday, a homeless man tried to bum a ciggarette off me, usually I would have said yes, but not this time, I said flat out no!

Ive noticed lately that I have become more suspicious of people, their motives toward me,in the r/ s with the uBPDx, I was used, alot for a multitude of things, I suppose my question is, Is it healthy for me to be more suspicious? Am I just being paranoid? Is this the new me?

I felt bad about saying no to the homeless man

But im very aware now that saying yes to everybody all the time is not good for me, or anyone.

Anybody out there feel like this?

My experience is if you walk around certain parts of town smoking, you could hand out a whole pack of smokes to all the moochers; I was in downtown Denver once, smoking and sitting on a bench, and 12 people (!) asked me for a cigarette within 10 minutes.  What am I, a vending machine?  I said no to the last 3 and they were actually offended, arrogant pricks, but I was mad by then and didn't care.

I've always been a people pleaser, putting other people's needs ahead of my own, and my borderline ex took advantage of it like no one ever has.  The good news is it finally pushed me too far, and like you I've swung entirely the other way as I've detached.  I don't consider it suspicious, I'm just putting my own needs first for once; some people would consider that selfish, but to me it's required, if I don't put myself first who will?  Another people pleaser maybe, but beyond that, no one.  The way I look at it if we keep putting other people's needs first we'll exhaust ourselves, something I've done way too many times, and then we have nothing to give.  Better to show up as an equal and set and enforce boundaries, take care of ourselves, and then if we want to help someone we're coming from an empowered place, not out of perceived obligation.

I suppose if it was a hot chick you would have lot the smoke for her and then told her when she was done you'd have put it out for her too.

I would have.

I think it depends on the situation. I know for some reason I was willing to go further for the borderline than I was for others. I don't really know why. I certainly didn't treat her as an equal. I treated her like she was a queen. I sure did let her walk all over me and gave until there was nothing left. I read a lot of stories here of people that did the same thing I did. Whatever it is that compels or impels us to treat them differently has nothing to do with generosity. Maybe more like persuasion. I ignored other more important people in my life and chose her over them. Right now at this point I wouldn't give her one of my smokes. Not even for a Bj.

Yeah, maybe, and the new me would ask her what's in it for me?

Ah, Perfidy, you got that one right!  And I would have asked her for her favorite brand, bought her a carton, told her there would be a never ending supply after that and then waited longingly for her to love and respect me in response!  That should have worked, right?  That is what leads to true love, trust and intimacy, right?

Actually, I pretty much did exactly this.  But she was awful pretty... . that makes it worth it, doesn't it? 

Duh.  What a dope.  Me, that is.

RecycledNoMore... . keep saying no.  It is strange that I am just now learning to say no and feel okay with it... . and learning to say yes to the right things and HtoH describes.  In other words, it feels awkward learning something new like being a normal, whole person.

But, she was awful pretty... . and that should have made it worthwhile, right?  Me thinks that is a big part of what is still attached to her.  Would like to make it more sophisticated than that... . but she was just awful pretty.

Yup, what a dope.

But... . okay, you have heard it enough... . but it still plays in my head!

I like how you people stimulate my thoughts

in bold

i think it's uber healthy to get that awareness!

and yes, i went through this period, too.  still do, at times.  you know, 'phases' or 'stages' of healing or grieving, they are not clearly defined periods of time.  they are fluid, often visited out of order, and they are often revisited with no rhyme or reason.

you asked us the questions, but i'd like to hear your thoughts.  how do you feel about this awareness, these feelings, these changes in yourself?

in bold

i think it's uber healthy to get that awareness!

and yes, i went through this period, too.  still do, at times.  you know, 'phases' or 'stages' of healing or grieving, they are not clearly defined periods of time.  they are fluid, often visited out of order, and they are often revisited with no rhyme or reason.

you asked us the questions, but i'd like to hear your thoughts.  how do you feel about this awareness, these feelings, these changes in yourself?[/quote]
Well, I can really relate to HtoHs comments about being a people pleaser, I have been all my life, always putting others first though left me feeling resentful,I always thought that if I bent over backwards for other people my " generosity" would be reciprocated.But since I broke up with th ex I have really been trying to look at myself,why I stayed so long and accepted the unacceptable

This concept of self reflection is quite foreign to me.

I kept myself busy with other peoples problems so I wouldnt have to look at my own.

But I am now, saying no to the homeless man was uncomfortable and it really surprised me, but I also felt a sense of empowerment, I am slowly learning to trust myself, my own judgement,I dont think Ive ever had that ability before,even before the r/ s, actually now that I think about it, that was just another aspect of self reflection I covered up with my people pleasing.

NO!

Winston, it does feel strange at this late stage of my life to be learning to say no im 36, but its a good strange, I sometimes feel as if ive just landed on the moon and im gingerly taking my first steps...

Perfidy you make me laugh,yup there was a time I would have run over broken glass to get to the BnH factory for the ex, but nah not now, not even for a lifetime supply of arc welding rods( thats sort of my equivalent to your BJ)

I feel betrayed because I was betrayed. I was betrayed by a specific person. I refuse to let an act of perfidy by a pwBPD change me so much that it would affect my generosity and compassion. It's true that I could have made better choices in a partner and that I have my own issues. The new me will not give her the power to decide my future. The world didn't screw me over.

 
--fromheeltoheal

I agree with this statement!  Went "all-in"... . got burned... . withdrew... . spun a cocoon... . now I'm ready to try again with this emblazoned on my brain.  Thanks!