BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

Just reaching out...

I am feeling in great pain, vulnerable and confused at the moment.

I am involved emotionally with a woman who has admitted that she has been diagnosed with BPD. I know it is untreated and she had a failed suicide attempt last June. She follows a spiritual path but it is obvious to me that this is not enough for her to deal with her condition.

We have know each other for about 2 1/2 years. In this time she has always made it clear that she wants to have a relationship with me. I was reluctant due to my personal circumstances at the time. I live in South Africa, where we met, and she moved back to the UK over a year ago. 4 months ago we skyped and the topic of our attraction for each other came up and we eventually decided that we should at least make a go of it. My time in SA is coming to a natural end on many levels so I decided that I would move back to my homeland, the UK. There has been great excitement and shared dreams and hopes and until two days ago it seemed to be on track. My ticket is booked for 13th Feb. She had a meltdown on Friday and told me that she wasn't sure about us, felt cornered and resentful and that there was another man that she had feelings for. She was angry and harsh  blaming me for not coming to her earlier. She said that she cannot wait for me any longer and that if I wanted her, I would jump on a plane that afternoon :-) I was devastated. We had a long talk on skype and came to the agreement that our feelings are very strong and we should still give it a try or we will never know.This was followed by seductive sexting and positive communication and all seemed to be settled.

Late last night she sent me a text out of the blue saying the following:

"Babe, this comes with love. I need some time out with texts and calls with you. I need space. Just space and silence from this to hear myself. I need to step away one day at a time. Know I love you and know I do this for both our sake"

I responded: "Sure... . , take your space and time. Much Love"

We have had no contact today.

This appears to be a reasonable request but I am aware of the"withdrawal" element of BPD. I feel in a very vulnerable state as my main reason for going to the UK was to try out this relationship and i am meant to be staying with her in London and have already booked and paid for an expensive holiday for us (not refundable) when I arrive. She has been the one urging me to prove my love by committing and coming to her for the long haul.

I would like to know if anyone has experience with this type of withdrawal behaviour in their partners and how they dealt with it.

Blessings

Chris

Hello from New England.

I'd just move on. It doesn't get any better.

My wife did this to me last summer, "I need time to get healthy, practice the new skills I have learned, blah, blah, blah."

So she moved to a confidential location and took everything she had from our home. At first I was supportive, take your time, etc.

But I was concerned that the distance and time away from each other was unhealthy for our marriage.

Next thing she is with my replacement(s). You cannot trust someone with BPD.

Oblivian,

Your story is much like mine. My wife moved out four months ago to pursue a job seven hours away with the promise of trying to work on the marriage from afar. We were to basically act like married people (no dating) during this period so we could figure out what to do next.

I too was very supportive. Drove the moving van 400 miles. Helped set up the apartment. Assembled new furniture.  Kept in regular contact.

One week after moving out she screwed a guy. Then several more. She is currently dating two men regularly and lying all about this. She has know idea that I know what she's been up to. 

Borderlines fear intimacy, abandonment and engulfment - which is hard for us to grasp however it causes a push/pull dynamic - pull because they fear abandonment and push because they fear intimacy and engulfment.

Long distance on many levels, BPD or not can be super convenient for a person with intimacy and engulfment fears. Your home coming could be a trigger.

Its more than likely she does love you - however her fears are over riding this. None of this is your fault. You did not cause these fears and there is nothing you can do to change her irrational thoughts.

How are you going Chris?