BPDFamily.com

I was doing so well. I'd had enough of his emotional withdrawn and hurtful words, I knew he had moved on to a mutual friend and he had stopped being friendly with me. So I decided, enough was enough and started withdrawing contact. I usually initiated contact but no longer, I went out to a (male) friends for New Year's Eve and day and was having a great time chatting that I didn't check my phone much during the day. Made me forget my sadness and pain for the past year.

In the early hours of New Years morning, I posted a Facebook status saying something along the lines of 2013 was rubbish, 2014 was going to be great. Instantly he liked it and posted a comment saying he agreed. Bearing in mind, he pretended not to know me to his friends and ignored all facebook posts of mine. Until this one. Then he also sent me some messages which i stupidly responded to because I was drunk. They were friendly and affectionate. Something he has NOT been with me for a very very long time. Even ending the conversation with a "goodnight xxxxxxxxx".

I though it might be him being drunk, accidentally mistaking me for my replacement. But he carried on the next day. I have to admit, I was drawn back in, I thought maybe he'd vowed to treat me better. So I started chatting with him.


He then got distant again and stopped being friendly the next day and the day after, until now where he's back to where he was before. And I am devastated and am going to have to start back at square one again with my recovery. I thought I was winning my battle with the hurt, I was moving on, I was thinking of him less. And now, it's started again. I keep thinking that maybe that New Years episode shows he still likes me and just finds it hard to show it. Though I know that is not the  case. Argh.


Why? Why did he do that?

It's the push/pull nature of the disorder, continually straddling the line between engulfment and abandonment, only being content on the fence between them for short periods; both engulfment and abandonment are painful emotions.That, along with the desire to control, motivates a borderline, both because they make him feel better; it has nothing to do with you, other than you're the object of it. The disorder is a serious mental illness and trying to make sense of it will drive you crazy, better to cut your losses and heal.

I was healing, I was doing so well. Damn. Well, at least I know if I did it once I can do it again!

From an objective pov... . You are probably both in about the same spot. The very best thing you can do for each other is to let go so you BOTH can heal.

Chalk it up to the lesson learned in the game of life detaching from a BPD.

Exactly what lesson did you learn?

I am very confused by the coming and goings of my old ex.  I had been out of his life for 23  years.  When he first started contacting me I would get 100s of text for day on end. Sad to say mostly sexually, then reliving our past.  Then he would drop of for days, then start up again. If I didn't answer he would repeat Hi until I finally gave in.This has gone on for over a year now.  It has been 19 days today since he has contacted me. Hopefully he has moved on.  This experience with him has been the strangest thing I have ever gone through.  I feel bad for his wife.

For validation - he did it to feel loved, needed and accepted, but then something BPDish happened and he stopped. That something is a black box. Maybe after time passes he can answer why if you are still interested. Also the answer might not make a lot of sense.

I was also slowly healing before got engaged at the NY day... . Need to get back in shape :)