BPDFamily.com

Today... . I am angry. I'm so angry that I can't even see straight. I want to throw things... . instead I am internalizing... . letting rage fuel what I am discovering is a life change... . or more of a path change.

Friday I went into my daughter's therapy session with her. After a good session with her, her therapist asked me how my husband and I were doing. I said all things considered we are doing ok. She asked how his Bipolar treatment (previous incorrect diagnosis) was coming along and I said that I stopped it because I know that isn't what he has. She asked me what I thought he had and I said I am 100% sure he has BPD and that I was looking for a specialist to take him to. She said people with BPD are suicidal and I said some are but he has never shown any indication of this symptom. She laughed (yes laughed) and shook her head and said then that isn't what he has. I politely left and since then my anger has been building. Nothing infuriates me more than someone insulting my intelligence. 

Now I realize she has the plaque on the wall and I don't... . yet (1.5 years and counting down to Master's whoohoo) but I live with this man. I know his patterns, his reactions... everything. I don't need someone with a plaque to tell me what my husband has for me to be sure of it. I've done countless hours of research, spoken to doctor's and my professors, read everything I can find on the subject, joined online groups and compared experiences... . I'm angry. No wonder so many feel so hopeless.

There are very few psychiatrists in our state that specialize in BPD. I have decided that Forensic Psychology and this disorder are now going to go hand in hand. Since those suffering from BPD can have extensive criminal backgrounds (as my husband does), it goes along with my goals anyway. I want to specialize in this disorder. I have no idea how I'm going to do that yet with so few resources near me but I'm going to. No wife, parent, sibling, or partner should ever have to be made to feel like that not when staying is already so hard.

So, go ahead and laugh... . go ahead and discount because at the end of the day that plaque on the wall does you no good with a closed mind. You might currently have the degree but I have the knowledge and knowledge is power. Power used to save relationships and help those suffering from this disorder create a better life is unstoppable... . and to be here... . to want to take this all head on... . unstoppable is exactly what you have to be. I might not have felt this way entirely before reading the lessons on this board.

Today take a moment to thank the people here who have become unstoppable and who have dedicated their time and efforts to passing that on. You don't need a degree to make a difference... . you need compassion matched with action.

Unfortunately all to common.

The biggest problem with BPD is that most of the behavior is hidden and it is often only those consistently close who can monitor and recognize many of the behaviors, especially in high functioning BPD.