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I have to vent on here because she just threw me for another loop.  After a few days of calm and peace and nice texts, even a photo of herself, today I got the venom.  Back story: any time someone we know gets pregnant, it's very upsetting to her.  (I didn't want to have kids because of all the dysfunctions) Even though we are separated for 4 months she expects me to tell her when someone gets pregnant so she doesn't hear it for herself.  Well, I didn't because I was afraid of setting her off.  (My mistake for being chicken)  She found out today.  Here's how the texts went:

Wife: (Friend) is pregnant?  She's due in MARCH?  Are you fu$king kidding me with this?

Me: Yeah I just heard myself (lie on my part, but whatever).

Wife: How many times have I asked you about them since I left?  And how many times have I cried to you about how important it is for me to hear about those things from you so I don't just see it somewhere or hear about it from someone who acts like I know?  How insensitive can you be?  Bull$hit.  You heard when.  She is due in three months.

Me: When I talked with them last week.  (lie on my part, I was scared )  I didn't want you to be upset over Chirstmas.

Wife: WOW ARE YOU SERIOUS?  You didn't want to upset me?  So you LIE?

Me:  I lied?  Not engaging you right now.  Goodbye.

Wife:  And then hurt me way way more like I always say you do and then you don't listen?  FU$K YOU.  Fu$k you and your selfish nature who puts other people in pain so you aren't slightly uncomfortable.  I am DONE being treated this way.

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Let's keep in mind folks that she is having sex with multiple men during our "trial separation and promised no to see anyone" and is lying about it to my face.

What a Monday.

Wow... . I cant believe how insensitive you are either ! ;-) And ofcourse its all your fault! Again. Well done! ;-)

But seriously now, what are you going to do about your situation?

Tell her you got someone else pregnant. Ill be the devils advocate.

I'm getting the hell out of here.  I'm sick and tired of getting stomach aches and nerves from this sick person. 

She has the nerve to take the moral high road about me being "insensitive" when she is SCREWING other guys behind my back.  That my friends is abuse.

LOL  That would really throw her for a loop.

Man, I just needed to vent.  I can't take any more of this.  I really can't.  My stomach is in knots.

You know what to do

Sac... You don't want the pain of detachment. Understandable. You don't want the pain of attachment. I understand that too. You are sitting on the fence right now. Which way you gonna fall? Detach and the pain will lessen. Stay attached and know hell. Your choice.

Today, I am detaching.  Now... . I'm sure everyone here can attest to it that it's easy to slip up and fall back... . but as of today, I'm getting the hell out.  I can't do this any more.  She's having sex with other men behind my back, Perdify, she's lying to my face.  And she has the nerve to send me those kinds of texts.  No thanks.  I've ridden this crazy train of abuse, fear, neglect, lies, manipulation, sadness, depression, cheating for too.  damn.  long. 

Besides, I don't want an STD.  (Funny story with that.  A few weeks ago she had a OBGYN appointment and tests for HPV.  She had the NERVE to say she hoped she didn't get anything from me... . all the while she has been with multiple other men.  It was all negative (THANK GOODNESS since I had slept with her in between these men without knowing... . but she had a story of blame all ready to go in case one of these guys gave her something.  SICK).

And there is no way I want a baby with her.  No way.  My kid's mom should respect their father.  How could I expect my kids to respect me if their own mother doesn't.  I think I have my answer.

No more.  Today, I'm saying I'm done.  Now, I just need to keep up that strength.  It's so easy to fall back.

Seek,

man you need to detach so you can actually start healing instead of assessing "how much damage can I take". You do not deserve this.

As to the topic "tell me when pregnant" as totally superficial that subject seems to me, I can share:

After I broke up with my UxBPDgf and seeing her again after 2-3 weeks (she had to move out of my place) a sample discussion when like this:

Her: You look good, you have lost weight. *smiles*

Me: Oh thank you, you know I am doing lot of sports now. <yes because somewhere I need to let of steam and additionally I was not eating properly due to heartbreak>

Her: Ehem, *I* know why you have lost weight.

Me: Why?

Her: Nevermind, I should'nt have brought it up.

Me: Come on! Tell me why *you* know why I have lost weight.

And then she continues to accuse me of taking Ecstasy behind her back, which in her world would also be in line with my mood swings.

*sigh*

I calmly explained (raging on my inside) to her that none of this ever happened and of course my "mood swings" were a reflection of my discontent in our relationship... .

Point is: pwBPD come up with weird stories to justify any blame they can lay on you - not accepting the actual reality of things.

I wish you best of luck, Seek. It is time to take action, no one can do that for you!

Love,

Sac... Human beings are creatures of habit. You got a habit to break.

Thanks Cure.

It just seems like any excuse to rage or blame they go for it and run with it.

I'm sorry for your situation too.  Keep being strong and healing my friend.  The only way we heal is by taking action and doing what is right for us.  

You know, I just thought of something.  (lots of light bulb moments as of late).  I'm very chivalrous so I always told her I'd take a bullet for her any day.  Look what I have done... . I've laid down my life and given my life to her everyday.  And look at what I get from that.  Cheating, lying, raging.  

My. Life. Is. Worth. More. Than. That.

Wow, that felt good to say.

Right... You are very definitely worth it! You know what the problem is. Ready to detach then? Slow and painful? Quick and easy? Pick one

( hurts like hell either way)

I have to detach slow at the moment as we are doing the court legal separation process without attorneys so we are trying to make it uncontested.  At the end of the month, I can detach much faster.

I just got another text from her:

Wife: The last thing I want to do is talk to you right now.  However, I need copies of the dog's health records and I need to know if you have a copy or if I need to request them from the vet.

I think this was just to twist the knife a bit more because the only records I would have would be receipts.  I should have said:  Funny, the last thing I want to do is talk with you or ever again for that matter.  

I can't... . have to wait until the papers are finalized.   Patience is a virtue.

Thank you for sharing. I also said similar things (not only in the relationship with my UxBPDgf). You know what? The human brain functions in a way that your actions will try to stay congruent to your decisions. There is defiantly somebody here who can name that "function". I got it from books I read (think it is called "Predictably irrational" check it online).

What I am trying to say is: your decisions could have been "wrong". There is no need for you to follow up with actions on what you said (even if our brain is wired to work that way). You need to *break the cycle*.

P.S. example: when people are interview BEFORE buying a lottery ticket they assume the chance of winning is lower than AFTER they buy the ticket. Our human brains need to justify actions/decisions in a "clouded" way. It is a means for reassuranc eit is a means for survival. But we are not living in caves anymore or fighting sabertooth tigers. Seek, you are above this.  *)

Venom can be as addicting as something sweet.

Don't read her texts. Don't let that sh!t get to you.

When you're done, you're done. Be done.

Read those words and then read the description of the following term:

PROJECTION.

It's all true.  About her.

Fear, obligation and guilt. Powerful stuff. Makes us think we're the crazy ones. Takes time sac... . Take your time. I don't think detaching with ZERO contact can be achieved in less than a year. Some of the folks here have been trying to detach for YEARS! Everyone heals at their own pace and I really hope you don't have to prolong your suffering. It's been a little over nine months for me. At first it was shock. Numbing shock coupled with denial. Took me a while before the reality set in. Then I bargained. After that the worst part for me. Depression. The whole event made me sad but the depression was a whole other kind of fu€ked up. Cried every day for almost three months.  I'm almost out of it. Have only cried once in the last five or six months. Still get pretty sad sometimes though. In gradually moving on into acceptance. I get quite a few good days any more. Fewer bad days. I'm giving myself the year. I took the quick way. ZERO contact. Just because you are married don't kid yourself. I would have those papers filed already if I were you. Nothing you do is going to change her. That's most of the problem right there. You can't change her.

Hey SAC!  I think my post will be framed as my understanding of what I have read about your situation.  Please correct me if I have misunderstood anything.  I then will offer some views and ask a couple of questions.

It sounds like you are in a conflicted state with your wife until the legal separation agreement is finalized. You know she is cheating on you, but you have decided not to make her aware of your knowledge.  She will continue to maintain her facade and act as though she is faithful.  Until you are able to be candid with her, or you are completely removed from her, this will be an ongoing, even daily, source of aggravation and hurt.  She will continue to lie to you in large and small ways and it will continue to hurt you.  

You have chosen to maintain this structure in your relationship as you believe it will enable a more prompt, less contentious and less costly settlement agreement.

In light of this, it seems to me that you cannot really detach.  You are choosing to pursue a form of strategic engagement.  For the moment, you have elected to tolerate facade.  As you stated elsewhere, your belief is that you need to stay somewhat engaged with her in order to keep her on track for the settlement.  And you believe that the disclosure of your knowledge of her affairs would disrupt the settlement entirely.

It is a really tough place to be, with the primary offset being that you think the benefit of pretending that you do not know is greater than the pain you will endure until it the settlement agreement is finalized.

Are you confident that the agreement will be finalized by the end of this month?  Are the benefits of your settlement strategy worth the emotional cost you are bearing?  Are you confident that she won't undermine the agreement at the end of the process anyway?

So true Mazda. So true. I could have sent that exact text to her over all her affairs and cheating. Projection at its finest.

Winston,

Spot on analysis.  Really great and thoughtful summary.

It is a really tough place to be, with the primary offset being that you think the benefit of pretending that you do not know is greater than the pain you will endure until it the settlement agreement is finalized.

Are you confident that the agreement will be finalized by the end of this month?  Are the benefits of your settlement strategy worth the emotional cost you are bearing?  Are you confident that she won't undermine the agreement at the end of the process anyway?

Yes, in essence, I'm strategically communicating in order to make the legal process as smooth as possible.  Because she is unpredictable and can fly off the handle (look at her texts today versus how nice she's been the past few days) I need to maintain my facade in order to not disrupt the agreement which is one that I'm fairly satisfied with.  I do believe it would benefit me in the longer term to keep up with this strategy, yes.  Once it is finalized by the court, I do not believe she can go back on anything.  Once it's signed off it's signed off.

So I'm just trying to rideout the storm until I get there.  We filed for legal separation on December 26th and it takes 31 days for her to "default" which is just a legal term for uncontested.  Then we have to put the finishing touches on our "Marriage Settlement Agreement" which is just basically a contract between her and I dividing everything, the court doesn't dictate any terms. 

It will be hard getting through this, especially receiving verbal abuse from someone who is lying and cheating, but if this relationship has taught me anything, it is that I am strong and patient and capable.  I have this forum and close friends and family that I'm reaching out to who have been wonderful support.  I can make it.  I just have to get there.  One day at a time. 

 A test for hpv? Thier is no test for that its just an examination... let me know if I am mistaken... .

Pap smear

Seeking

Conflict is how she expresses her emotions.  If you are separating divorcing stepping out of these traps is essential. 

Are you guys friends?  It would be strange to be friends with someone who has cheated on you.  If you aren't it isn't your job to make her feel better, keep her in the loop on friends etc.  It's not even a discussion in my book.

If you have to communicate with her can you start to be selective? Stuff that involves your interests? The kids house etc only. 

Don't give her yourself as an outlet.  If you were like me I knew when the texts and talks were a trap.  Bowing out early helps.

Have you checked out the circular arguments workshop?

GreenMango,

Thank you for the perspective. I agree with everything you said. At this point I don't really owe her anything. We have been trying to be cordial during the process of our legal separation which should be done by the end of this month. But really, do I even owe cordiality to someone who is lying and cheating on me?

I am definitely being more selective with my contact with her. She HAS been using me as an outlet when she wasn't feeling well or having a bad day (all while she's been cheating). Which makes me feel even more used.   I'm recognizing the games she plays and withdrawing more contact as I detach. I just can't take the abuse, lies, fear, distrust any more. I'm working emotionally on getting out alongside the legal ways of getting out. There is no future here. The main question I asked myself was: after all this do I want this woman to be the mother of my children?  The answer is no.

I'm not a doctor just a woman  lol but there is a test for hpv. It's a swab taken similar to Pap smear but not a Pap smear. Pap test for cancerous cells and hpv is a std. They do not test for hpv in a pap. That is a separate test.

Hi Seeking,

Even if she wasn't cheating(which of course is horrible) this conversation would have been outrageous. Why is it your responsibility to inform her or even protect her from something ridiculous. Someone else having a baby shouldn't be cause for such outrage. Just because she wants one. I understand that it would be hard for someone but this sense of entitlement is off the charts.

I think you mentioned that the issue is she was having trouble getting pregnant is that correct? Can't remember for sure. I guess I just worry if there is a slip up someday with you two, which can happen we are all human that she could get pregnant. Trap you!. Not to mention there is no way this woman would not totally screw up and destroy a child. She would view them as an extension of herself as she does already and they are not even born. that is a recipe for how you create an NPD. Possibly BPD. From what I have gathered anyway.

Please be careful!

Iwalk,

Good to hear from you again :)

Our issue was that I didn't want to try for a baby with her because of all the chaos. I foresaw these same problems just with a baby involved. (Although she says it is precisely because we don't have a baby that we have all these problems.) So I kept putting it off as I tried to work on the marriage. I understand now that that wouldn't work when she refuses to get help for herself. (She denies she has a problem).  I said a firm foundation was needed in order to start a family.

Her texts this morning were outrageous and abusive... . Especially since she's also secretly cheating on me at the same time.   Ive received many text conversations like this over the years. It's still jarring.

Iwalk,

She would view them as an extension of herself as she does already and they are not even born. that is a recipe for how you create an NPD. Possibly BPD. From what I have gathered anyway.

My therapist said the same thing!  Great perspective.

Yes I remember that you didn't think your relationship (or she really) was stable enough to have a baby and she didn't like that but I guess I thought there was also a fertility issue only because from what you described I find it very hard to believe she would cooperate with that and not just get pregnant. Interesting.

I feel for you!

Ha! Sounds like you have a great therapist!   he he.

SAC,

You have your evidence.  Go NC immediately and wait for the court date.  

The element of surprise... .

That's my Italian talking

Wow sucks to get those type of texts. I thought I might be the only one to have gotten such things. Reading her text and how she went off the handle was/is so eerily similar to my exuBdpbf just substitute it with a different topic. Hope you are able to let go & find some peace!

You mean revenge is a dish best served cold right?

Thanks 4fun.

I'm sorry you can relate to this!  It's horrible isn't it?  It's that "waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling."  I'm working hard on moving on. I need peace and not near this type of thing anymore.

Arn131,

Agreed. Timing is everything!  I have to decide how I want to address this once my paperwork is done. So many options... .

Fuh git abowt it

HA!

I have been going over some emails from last summer before NC looking for threats at the behest of my attorney. I showed a few of them to my therapist. He said, "Why are you still reading those? They are sadistic!" He pointed out her pattern of tearing me down for the first three quarters of the message and ending on how much she still loved me and hoped for the best. So, I found the ones useful to my attorney and have no desire to review them ever again!

Fuh git abowt it

I think he needs go to the mattresses!   And I don't mean bed! Yo!

No doubt... . just leave the gun and grab the cannolis (my fave... . i love clamenza)

Cannolis... . Yummmm. I'm hungry