BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

Suffice it to say it's been a tough holiday season for me, and last week my mom and I went no contact. She has been seething and talking through her teeth at me for some time now. It has felt to me like she has been trying to push me away. Like I'm standing in the way of her self fulfilling prophecy that "everyone" has abandoned her. Sometimes I think even she's shocked at what I put up with from her; like a dog that is repeatedly kicked and keeps coming back with its tail wagging.

As a side note, I call my mom daily. She lives alone and has shut everyone out of her life. I'm an only child, she's an only child, and she's divorced. My calling her daily is one of her demands. She says she's afraid she'll die and no one will know because no one checks on her. I've asked her a few times recently if she would prefer me to stop calling because she sounds like I've ruined her day each time she picks up the phone. She always says for me to do whatever I think I should do, she doesn't care anymore.

So last week, my daughter, who is 14, cut her hand pretty badly. I took her to the hospital and she got stitches. After we left the hospital, we went to get the pain meds and something for her to eat. I told her that I better call my mom and check on her. I really expected the phone call to last 2 minutes because that's how it's been lately. I say hello, she acts like it's super painful just to say hello back, I ask her how she is, she says something snarky, I say I'll talk to her tomorrow, she hangs up.

Anyway, so I call her up. I told her my daughter hurt her hand and we were just leaving the hospital. My mom starts going on and on about the times she has injured one of her fingers. Clearly, she was trying to make it a game of one-upmanship. I just sat there silently letting her go on. Finally, her first question about my daughter was, how many stitches did she get. I asked if that really mattered. She coldly said no. We sat in silence for a moment and then she started raging. It was just a medley of the usual accusations; I'm a good-for-nothing absent daughter, she doesn't know why I call, I do nothing for her, we're not family, I should be there to care for her, etc. She even said she had left her first husband so she could move back home and take care for her mother. And, why wouldn't I do the same for her.

My daughter could hear the whole conversation. I wanted to keep the peace. I told her I was sorry that the things I do for her didn't feel like they were making any real impact on the quality of her life. She continued the rage. I told her my daughter could hear our conversation, that I could call her later, and that I'm sure she wanted to wish my daughter get well soon. (My daughter was sobbing.) My mom said she did not want to wish my daughter well. She said I haven't been to visit in 3 years and she doesn't know my daughter anymore. She said that, to my daughter, she is nothing more than a check in a birthday card. I said I didn't think we should go on hurting each other anymore. She agreed. I said I was done. She said okay and sounded happy. And I said goodbye. There was no yelling or anger from my side, but there was utter resignation.

I held my daughter for about 10 minutes while she cried. I thought when she spoke she would say how much my mom's words about her hurt, but she didn't. Instead she said how she hated hearing my mother talk to me that way. She said it broke her heart to watch what I put up with to try and have a relationship with my mom. Wow. That got me.

I spoke with my former stepfather when I got home. I haven't spoken with him in years, mostly because I was tired of my mom playing us against each other. They've been divorced for 22 years but he's the only person I could think of to call. They haven't spoken in about 3 years either, though her used to be completely enmeshed even years after their divorce. I asked him if he would check on her from time to time because I was afraid she'd be alone. Like all people who have gotten away from a person like her, he said he was happy now and really didn't want to be in touch with her again. We ended up having a nice conversation. I found myself seeing him more as a person and less as a enabler of hers.

For the first time I really heard his side of things, including that she had hurt him deeply when she had an abortion. This turned an already messed up day upside down. This is a whole story in and of itself. She always used to say to me that she wished she would have aborted me. That, if she would have known I would turn out to be so awful, she would have aborted me. She told him she didn't want the kid she had and certainly didn't want anymore. He also told me he couldn't understand my sense of loyalty to her because she had always treated me so cruelly, even when I was toddler.

I've never been NC before. I feel horrible. I feel sick and panicked. I feel like I need to call and "fix" things again. I keep reminding myself that there's nothing to fix. That I called everyday, spent tons of time and money on her, learned a ton of communication techniques, and it never made a difference. There's nothing to win back and I think that's a lot of my problem. That, and I think I have a heavy dose of codependency. I feel like a bad person who has shut their own mother out. I need help dealing with codependency and guilt. I've done things for a while for her out of FOG and it's tough to let go of. Any advice is appreciated.

Hi AbbyN,

l can understand your feeling of panic. I have gone nc now with my mother for one week. My daughter stood up to her abuse of me and that was the catalyst for my 'enough is enough' moment. I don't want my girls to continue to witness my acceptance of disrespect.

At the moment, l'm seeing this as a 'time out' .Time to reassess what and who is important and a priority in my life.

I too felt panicked and wanted to go into hiding,perhaps fearful of her continuing wrath. In this time out period, memories have started to resurface and l shift from fear to anger to other feelings. And l'm allowing myself to feel it all!

So all l can advise is to just hold tight to your sweet daughter and love her unconditionally and allow yourself to feel the ensuing emotions. I think a plan will reveal itself.   

Hi AbbyNormal -

I am VLC with my Mom but only odd email for a while now. It's the best thing I have ever done.

Like seahorse said about the feelings and memories that come about when you are NC - It's an uprooting time but the time off her will give you a chance to heal!

NC gets better and easier with time. The guilt will go, you will learn to realize you need and very much deserve this.

Hang in there you are doing great.