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I was busy yesterday so couldn't talk, but had 6 missed calls from the ex & an anwser phone message saying can you call me back when you can, I want to have a chat.

So, I try calling back today, and she's blocked me. I left an awnser phone message and there's been no reply.

Why say you want to chat, then disappear again?

Anybody's guess? Ill guess... She's just checking to see if you grew a pair yet. She's yanking your chain. I burned the bridge. Haven't had a single problem with her since. Not what I wanted. What I needed. I feel so much better. You don't have to respond. I don't. It's good.

No need to do any over the top analysis... . once you've already been formally discarded,  and only remnants of contact remain... . You are no longer going to be idealized EVER again,  so forget that fantasy.    She more than likely had a temporary weak moment that most likely HAD NOTHING to do with you,  but for that moment, that brief window of time,  she slipped and reached out to use you.    Once her 'emergency' passed as they day went on,  her mood probably shifted drastically,  and she probably felt shame for her original attempts to contact you.

My ex contacted me on 3 different occasions months apart,  and is becoming more clear,  each one was immediately after rebounds dissolved and she had some additional frustrations that had come about... . but each time, the dialogue lasted extremely brief... . and once her mood lifted, she cut me and the dialog off like flipping a light switch.  The dialogue dropped like a bag of rocks.              As an internet article states "dont reply to any emails or text messages, etc... and DO NOT respond to her  'emergencies!'... .  It won't win her back, or make her think more highly of you... . Besides, the crisis WILL blow over very shortly;  by the time you get back to her,  she's onto something else" ... .  

Painful reality of a true borderlines behavior,  try to find logic in it and you'll go mad.     Hundreds of posts,  hundreds of stories.   It's a clinical fact.    Ive read your other posts,  so I'm certain if you re-read them,  you'll see the facts of what to expect have already been pointed out numerous times and the results as well.   I hope you find peace,  I hope I find peace... . because I know I would have texted back,  taking that crumb.   Losing my dignity once more.       Good luck

The thing is, we spoke a few days ago. She found out I had been dating someone and really wasn't happy about it. I told her that she shouldn't be concerned as she was seeing someone & if they were happy, then I should be insignificant. She said she wasn't happy.

We've tried blocking each other, but I said to her that doesn't work because she still calls & was calling from her new work phone.

She said she wanted to talk, now she is ignoring me. I just want to know what she wanted to talk about, I'm intrigued.

Don't fall for the bait.  She is testing the waters to see if you are still available to her.  They feed off of us to fill their void until they have sucked you dry.  She just wants to see how much more you will take.  This is all a game, she probably knows you well enough to know this behaviour will bother you.  Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Understood ... . sadly, so would I ... feel free to update us when you find out an explanation... .  once again,  it may fit right into the pattern thats already long been established, and the short term motives patterend as well.

Well, she just texted... .

Sorry I can't speak to you anymore I only rang to say that. I hope you're ok and that you stay happy :)

Mental.

That translates to " forget it he finally called"

This is excellent advice. Twice in the past 2 months my exgf has contacted me with so called emergencies.

Emergency 1, She is about to lose her house, her car, has only $20 in her checking account, and no milk in the refrigerator for her boys. I was very limited in response to these text messages, and therefore, got texts from her saying I don’t care, I’m not a Christian, etc., etc., etc. Since then, this “emergency” has not been brought up again.

Emergency 2, She has some type of medical condition (which I will not elaborate on), which may or may not have been true. I didn’t respond to her texts, and therefore, got the typical “you don’t care” texts from her. This condition has not been brought up since in subsequent voice mails and texts to me.

I believe it was all manipulation…….If it was so important, she could call her new boyfriend(s), not me.

Fishing/testing the waters, etc... . so very typical BPD behavior... mine has done similar stuff. I know its easier said than done, but, NC is soo the way to go. I KNOW the only way I will EVER get out of mine (unless I catch him red handed) is to go NC... . I am strong then he reaches out, I get weak and give in... . Many times once I give in... . then he pulls back again bc he knows Im there. Vicious cycle

She said we need to block again & that it's not right or fair when we talk.

Well, she was the one that instigated the talks! Even after I blocked her.

Takes two to tango 

I know.

I think that she has ruined any chance of my having a healthy relationship. I've been seeing an attractive girl who is lovely, but I just don't feel that connection.

You need to get to a point where she is completely out of your life and get the strength in you to not respond. Its going to take time to feel connections again but it will come.

First things first - moving on 100%

I don't think I'll ever move on. I'm broken goods.

She treated me like hit, manipulated me, lied, cheated, hit & raged. Yet there's still parts that I haven't found in someone else.

I'm going to need to change my number. I've blocked her in the passed and she's still managed to call me, from withheld numbers.

I still love her and i'm not detaching.

Eric,

It is hard to detach.  One minute I feel strong and the other I feel weak.  I find my weaker moments are when I hear or see or go out and actually try to find info (FB) on her and my replacement.

It's a trigger, and I made a commitment to not check her FB, told family and friends not to tell me about her.  Her calling you had your heart racing, anxiety through the roof, I know because I've been there.  Hopes, dreams, everything you thought the RS stood for is all expectations.

When my expectations about my ex rise, I have learned through experience that I am always let down.  I was with  her for 14 years and always let down.  Take your number off the market and get a new one... the end... . game over. 

I have a son (8) with my ex, and I don't plan on talking to her for at least a year.  I can't do it.  NOt because I want to punish her, but because I don't want to be a victim of her abuse anymore.  That is someone else's problem.  It's a new year, a new beginning, take yourself back, and focus on you

Arn

Thanks, Arn.

Both of us have been just as bad as each other. We've both kept each other at arms length. I instigated the blocking last time, but she still managed to break it. Blocking doesn't work. It hurts knowing that she doesn't want to speak to me anymore, but its for the best.

I'm gonna call her later, and just say goodbye & that i'll be changing my number. I expect her to try to call in the future, and i want her to know why she will never be able to reach me again.

Why do you think you need to tell her anything, Eric?

Poof... . vanish... . be gone.


Are you maybe trying to manipulate the "game"?  I've tried that, it doesn't work, they have a doctorate in manipulation.

Just vanish... . radio silence

Its pretty typical passive aggressive behaviour Eric.


Eric, calling her to say you won't call again is pretty much what she just did. Step back and look after yourself. She is not winning - let it go.

Just gonna tell her i want to be with her. Why lie.

Because you did not give her an answer soon enough, she no longer considers you "deserving" of her offer.  At least until she "needs" you again anyway.

Been there, done that... . got the T-shirt!

Eric, check my posts.  About this time yesterday I was going to have my family or friends call her and ask her if she would go to couple's counseling with me.

Eric, MY EX IS CURRENTLY SLEEPING IN ANOTHER MAN'S BED!

Sit on your hands, chop them off, put your phone in the dishwasher and turn it on, just don't call her, bro.

Tomorrow you WILL feel better, and IF not, I gaurantee you the next day you will.

Why do you want to be with someone like this?  :)o you dislike yourself so much?

I honestly don't believe i'll have the same connection with someone. I know people say she was just mirroring me, but i haven't found someone who i was that attracted to and felt that bond with. Obviously i put up with a lot of crap.

I wish i never met her.

Do you feel that at your current state of grieving that you are capable of "dating" someone else?  It is normal that you cant "connect" to another because you are still "connected" to her.  That doesnt mean that you are meant to be, only that you are a loving human being and cared about her.  It does NOT prove her worth of that love.

Give yourself some time before dating.  You are not ready, and it isnt fair to you or the woman that you meet.  You are not emotionally available... . it is normal for someone who has been through hell and is now grieving a loss.  :)ating isnt a good idea for the moment.

Go easy on yourself would ya?

I felt the same way after me and my ex first split up. After just one month of complete NC I am moving on.

But the danger will be: How do I react if she ever contacts again?

You say you want her back and then you say you wish you had never met her.

Your mind is completely trashed my friend. You need to stop all communication with her. Change your number, suspend your Facebook for a month or so.

Your obviously a decent guy for putting up with so much, you deserve better and in time you will get someone better, but not unless you are able to cut the rope and sail on.

I really want to get angry with you!

She has woven a poisoned spell around you, aren't you getting your fix of abuse from someone else Snow White?

you are going to need time, I'm still messed up but much, much better. Demons they are.

sorry man, love to you... . BUT

You don't have to be this person she has made you... .

OBEY ME!

No

Breath it in, feel it, become yourself... .

Eric,

  How do you get 400 posts deep, and still ask questions, that with very little effort on this site, can be answered? You cant fit logic into crazy.  This statement above is nothing but bargaining. Lets just say she takes your offer. This rekindled dysfunctional r/s, will start just where it left off, with her on a pedestal. The same results will happen. She will not have a  :light: moment, and change her ways. In order for one to change, they must suffer through the abandonment depression, to get to the acceptance. Borderlines or those with strong traits, cant do this with a part time self. The perception to them is extinction... . You need to understand, this has nothing to do with her, except that she is your trigger. You would be kinder to yourself, to start asking questions like, Why am I attracted to these type of people ?... . You seem to be just touching this abandonment depression, and get to another subject.(her, and her issues could probably fill a lifetime. The hamster wheel of pain, the perfect scenario for a low self esteem, fixer as yourself.)... . This is what I see. You have an opportunity to grow (become more emotionally mature) if you do this correctly, and process this in a healthy way. Its a leap of faith, and something you have most likely never done. Feeling this depression, is the only way. Head on, and by yourself, and as long as no self harming comes into play, all is good, even though it doesnt seem this way... You can only cry so long, and it too will pass. You can only be angry, for so long. You cant think your way through life, you need a balance. Another person will not do this for you, and i would really have to question an individuals motives, and state of mind, to want (its most likely a need) to be in a r/s, with you right now, and the same goes for you... . You can continue to self torture, as you always have, or you can do something different. As long as you relate this pain to her, stuck is where you will remain. Associate this pain with your FOO, and you will be doing yourself a greater justice... . Its a journey, not a sprint. Accepting the fact you may have learned something wrong as a child, that has set yourself up for these type of r/s, could go a long way, and puts the focus where it belongs, ON YOU... . I wish you well,  PEACE     

If you do ever feel this type of connection with another, this quickly, I suggest you run like hell. You both made this r/s something it wasnt. You have narcissistic thinking, in this statement... . You know people say she is just mirroring you, yet you dont BELIEVE it. There is a difference between reading something and believing something. I had to read things, what seemed like hundreds of times, before it truly sunk in... . To say " I wish I never met her.", is just your way of playing the victim role. This is wide spread on this site, and will only keep you stuck. Your choice... . I wish you well,... . PEACE 

Eric, I know how painful this is.  Believe me. I still love my ex but that love has changed. I love her in a "caring" way, not romantic.

Do you want romance? Do you want someone to want and love you as much as you do them?

That's the thing. She will never meet your needs.  You want her back deep down knowing this. What the other posters are saying may sound like tough love, or harsh but you are willing to sacrifice your happiness and desires for someone who does not have the capacity to love you the way you need her to.

This is not fair to you at all and you really do need to love yourself more.

My ex is up on dating sites now. I read her profile which I admit hurt me. She described what she is looking for. I told a friend and my friend said, "Pretty Woman, she is describing YOU".

She had what she is looking for. This isn't about US. This is bigger than us.

I know it's hard meeting someone else. I am in a FWB situation right now. This woman is a good friend and I trust her completely. I don't recommend this for everyone but I will say it has made me feel more attractive and better about myself. I am happier. As you get happier things DO get better. But NC is the key. Mine cut me out so that has made it easier. YOU are the only one that can change things. All we want here is for you to be happy.

She will never be happy. That is HER life. Don't live her life, it will only leave you circling the drain.

I really need time with NC, the longest we've gone is 4 weeks, untill she breaks it.

I'm gonna change my number, once and for all. I need to get the idea of her out of my head. I know deep down i could never sustain a relationship with her. She said to me when we last spoke "As soon as something in the relationship goes wrong, i panic and qeustion whether i should be with that person. I don't know why any one would want to be with me"

She pretty much says all thats wrong, she knows how she is isn't right.

I think part is I thought we would marry & have kids. You get these images of how your life would be, maybe you're right, i thought things would change and i was the person to make it happen. How wrong i was.

Eric-I am right there with you and I know how you feel, but there has been some great advice on this thread that I am using as well.  I think my problem is when I start thinking about the beautiful smile and seemingly normal side of my ex, not the passive aggressive, illogical side where I it was like a chess match all the time to keep her from getting mad for no reason... . I am NC, and while hard as hell I did have a friend tell me the other day "welcome back".  I didn't understand what she meant, and she said that I am getting back to normal.  I realized I am starting to feel better and look better, but I do still have a void from my ex that will take more time to heal.

I also met a really nice lady, but my reactions to her a couple of times told me I was NOT ready to see anyone.  I think for me it will take some more time.  I have a hard time taking time for ME as it is always about other people.  It is time to put US first in a healthy way. 

She knows you are happy without her because she knows that she's mental!

Thanks folks I am in the same boat! All these messages are helping me to accept I must not respond to any future texts and one day I will be ready for a new relationship.

My ex says/said the same exact stuff... almost exact words. And I, like you, thought I would be the one to change things and make them better... . also very very wrong.

   Hey all.

  We've all been in this persons shoes at some point.  I was having such a bad day today, until I read this thread. I need  constant reminding of the crap i was accepting in my life and  what I MUST do. And thats staying N/C. I have been N/C for about 7 weeks. Im starting to feel like myself again. Life is SOO much better now, still rough at times. No where near as rough if i was still in contact.  Thank you so much to all... .

Eric. Eric. Eric... . welcome back, its been a while.

Should I start too or have you read enough?

If you were seeing a counsellor, lets say a one hour session weekly, it would take you years to get what you're getting in a very short space of time from the people on this forum. And you're getting a profound insight into BPD for free not to mention the free advice too - advice from people who have experienced what you have. It would take you a lifetime to get that experience yourself and here it all is in one post.

Be smart Eric, and re-read every answer to this post, put it together and use it to your benefit. You have answered your own questions many times with various posts and many times in just one post. Nobody is suggesting anything that will harm you in the least and I would like to think that you know that. Please accept that is it frustrating to sit back and watch a tragedy unfold before our very eyes, especially when you sound like such a nice guy.

Dont contact her ever again. She is only using you/testing the waters to see if you are there, so she can recycle you whenever its conveniant. Dont be a chump. You need to go "no contact". I went through the exact same thing. I conducted an expirament with my ex BPD gf. I told her about this girl who was flirting

With me, but I totally blew it out of proportion. I did this a few days after she told me she wanted nothing to do with me... . well all of the sudden she started talking about that she wanted to fight this so called person. They are selfish and do things out of conveniance.  You should ignore, ignore, ignore, and go no contact. Believe me... . she will only end up hurting you.

Eric

From your original post it seems you are asking why she contacted you then went NC. I'm thinking the same thing with my exgf. I was so used to her trying to contact me either by text or phone, I liked it, cause it meant she was still thinking about me. Now, I hear nothing from her and my mind races as to why.

This is WRONG... . after being on these boards for a while now, I realize she doesn't care or hurt like I am right now... . probably never did when we were in a r/s. She is waiting me out... . seeing if I will engage next, or she is currently getting attention from someone else. I will not engage first, and give her that satisfaction... . it is a war, I will win... . secondly, I will not be part of her band of exes that follow her around on social media and constantly text/call her waiting for their chance to be with her. Mine thrives on that attention, that acknowledgement... . Do not give that control back to her!

If I’m honest, I managed to sum it up last night.

I'm not opening up to the idea of being with new people or committing because in my mind, I’m keeping myself available for when the ex returns. I still haven't changed my number because if I do, then if she does try to contact, she wouldn't be able to.

All the advice on here is brilliant, but there's no point in my lying. That’s how I feel at the moment.

Maybe I do need to see a professional.

Eric,

I am seeing my P on Friday. This is my 1st appointment since I went NC 3 weeks ago.  There is nothing wrong with it.

Just realize that the pain you are in now, WILL manifest itself again the next time, and the next, and the next, etc, etc, etc.

How many times have you been recycled if you don't mind me asking?

Arn

We've broke up 4 times. She recently came back in the last two months, just to disappear again.

It is perfectly normal to feel as you do now... .   This is why everyone stresses that it is SO FREAKING HARD to do. It is Pain.  The times when you squirm the most are the time when you learn the most about yourself.  You can do this.  No one deserves to be repeatedly abandoned, manipulated, cheated on and emotionally destroyed.

At this point in time you have to tell your heart to aim that sympathy towards yourself, and use your head to lead you through this.  Your heart is weak and vulnerable.

Be your best friend and dig yourself out of this hole.

Hi Eric,

If that is how you feel, being honest about it is a good thing.   I get in trouble when I don't acknowledge my gut feelings and try to stuff them.

Feelings aren't facts, they don't often fit into convenient little boxes, they are frequently annoying, almost always untimely.   

Of course we don't have to act on our feelings,  we can sit with them for a little while and see how life pans out.

I am sure you have read on this website, we aren't done until we are done.   Only you can know when you are done. 

For me I think there are stages of done.   Maybe that's why ending a r/s like this is so difficult.  There are so many stages of done to work through.

One thought does occur though Eric,   you are not the same person you were 2 months ago.  You are working your way through a process.   She, most likely, is not.  If she comes back you are going to see her through the filter of all you have learned here.   You can't forget all the stories and postings you have read here. 

Hang in there.   I know this hurts.

'ducks

Wise woman here Eric, I suggest you listen to her and others on this board.  She has helped me the past week.  I am getting stronger, bro.  Was ready to give in and go crazy and call her two nights ago and ask her to go to couple's counseling.

She is in someone else's bed right now so that would have been a pretty feeble attempt to make things work, huh?  lol

Stay strong commit to NC and commit to yourself... . Only you have the power to make YOU happy

After reading thru all three pages of this thread, I have to ask... .   did you call her?  are you ok?

I have totally been there thru this pain many more than four times and agree that only you will know when you are done.  Whether it's 4 posts or 4,000 posts, I think we know that it's not good for us, that we shouldn't continue to interact with someone, anyone who causes us so much pain but we do have our own issues that truly need to be resolved in order for us to ever realize that we can move forward to be the stronger, healthier person who is inside - that person will find a connection with a healthy person.  A partner who will not abuse us, who will not cheat on us, will not lie to us, will not manipulate us, will not control us.  WE need to become that healthy person first... .   so that we can then be ready to meet the right partner.  We can keep running from ourselves or we can finally face it... .   only you know when you will be ready... .  

No, haven't called her. As much as i want to speak to her & tell her how i feel, it'll fall on deaf ears.

This statement holds more power than you can imagine. It was my experience, that the more I did this, the more in tune, I became with my emotions. As I did this, floods of emotions, came pouring out. It was over whelming. I learned to fragment the emotions, to deal with one at a time, and feel it ALL the way through. Allow wise mind to make decisions (conscious), not emotional mind (subconscious). Be more aware of your reactions, thoughts, and feelings. There were times that I couldnt even name the emotion I was feeling. You have an opportunity to re learn some things. Take a leap of faith, and believe in YOU. Its scary, but rest assure, you have plenty of support... . Most importantly, understand your truth should, and will change many times... . This is what healing is all about. Tough, but within reach.


I, just as many on here, had this thought. I changed this to " Im not going to get involved in another romantic r/s, until I get myself straight. After I detach, I will then reevaluate my position with ex, and make a decision then, If the r/s is still available to me." Expect ANYTHING from ex, and nothing should surprise you. Her behavior, and lack of respect for my wishes, showed me plenty. It wasnt long, that I knew she wasnt my key to happiness. Sad but true.


If you really want to heal, and become more whole, you will have to cross the line. The point of no return, to your healing. For me, the ex bombarded me with contact attempts, as I went NC. She wouldnt back off. I finally popped, and went off on her, a few times. I understood I was painting myself black, but it really was the only way I could put enough space between us, for me to heal... . those that are sick, dont want others around them to become healthy. She will come at you. Just as she always has. Notice how her NEEDS come to the forefront, they are not WANTS... . When others make decisions, that effects our lives. We sometimes have to make decisions, for our own self preservation... . You have taken care of others long enough, now its time to take care of YOU. You cant truly take care of others, if you cant take care of yourself. Being someones whipping post, is enabling them, not helping them.


Classic victim role, and your choice with this statement... . Break the cycle that runs through your head, only you have the power to do this.


If you think this will help, then go for it... . In the end, it will come down to YOU. You have opportunity to come out the other side, a better person... . or stay locked in your misery, your choice... . I wish you well, PEACE