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I don't know about you guys but i think I've had 2 "relationships" with women of the BPD persuasion and damn if they weren't the hottest women I have ever been with.  What is it about them? is it the crazy?

My ex was good looking too... . their vanity is to entice their victims and to cover up their inner ugliness.  Sometimes I think I will not find a person I find so attractive, but in reality, they are not that good looking, it is all part of a facade.  A hot body to hide the disgusting person inside.  If I see his picture, I feel attracted to him.  When I remember him, I feel disgust.  Remember the whole package.

Yes! My exwBPD was extremely vain and had to have the latest blah blah blah or she felt like crap.  Always worried about her body and image. 

When I first met mine I thought she was alright, not the hottest, although I'm not one to go on looks anyway.

However after we had split up and then got back the first time I was strangely changed by the way I seen her.

Its all in the mind I think.

Are they really... . ? Or does their charm add to it? I was not initially attracted to my BF... . thought he was cute but I wouldn't have looked twice had I seen him on the street... eventually he became very sexy/hot to me... funny bc people that see us together say we don't look like we match... that I am way hotter than him... . I think that is bc people know how he is and that makes him less attractive. We have 14 year age difference too (he is older)

The core of borderline personality disorder is a fear of abandonment, and the main goal is therefore to affect attachments with people.  Not relationships, but attachments, meaning a sufferer is looking for someone to 'complete' them, literally, since they do not have their own fully formed self and are not autonomous individuals.

So.  They get very good at it since it is literally life or death to them.  My ex was short and average looking, pretty good when she did herself up, but it was the vibe, the aura, the vivaciousness, the energy, the flirtiness, whatever it is, that she turns on as an attachment tool, and it is extremely effective.  To begin with anyway, until you see through it to the person who hates herself underneath, then it's just pathetic.  I would give anything to fix it, but I can't.  Killing her parents would be an OK second best.

Short answer: because they're obsessed with themselves

Long answer: They have to be or else no one would put up with their crazy making.

Also, because of their crazy making, there are heightened emotions (both good and bad) within the relationship, so when you love them, you REALLY love them.

Amen.  Unconditional love. Some lucky guy will receive it from me one day and return it to me.  This jerk's loss.  I hope his replacement doesn't have the same unconditional love and doesn't put up with the abuse I did.  She married him and used the words "for better or for worse" to me.  She doesn't know the meaning of worse yet.  I hope she likes roller coasters, she's in for the ride of her life.  Except there's no safety bar, she will be clinging on for dear life while he is stamping on her feet and as soon as she gives up he will save her to start this dance all over again.

Honestly I really wasn't that attracted to mine at first.  She asked me out as there were circumstances where I never would of asked her.  First date didn't go real well and I would not have asked her for a second date, but she asked me as we were walking to the car.  But she ADORED me quick, so that is probably what did it for me (unhealthy I know).  But she was obsessed with working out when we first met, she had a rocking figure.

You are attracted to what you like/need... and they appear to offer unconditional love, hot sex, upbeat positive personality, amazing amount of interest in you... . whats not to be attracted to? If you need unconditional love ... . rather than the more adult genuine love that is earned honestly... . you can't get enough of what they offer... and find yourself idealizing them... and putting them on a pedestal reserved for primary relationships. Then when they get tired of the act... or genuinely flip and treat you as a hater or dump you... . you feel like you lost a parent. The intensity of the pain is as much or more than the death of a parent... excruciating. Your desire for that person... has a lot to do with seeing them as "so attractive"... some really are hot to about everyone's eyes... but many are normal/average... . but wrapped up in so much emotion for us we see them as radiant beauties.

Wow... What happened to the other side of the coin?

Why were you attracted TO them?

Wanna talk about hot chicks or a bunch of psychobabble bs?

Genetics has a lot to do with physical appearance yo.

Your core issues make you think you are attracted to your parents? Naw...

I like hot chicks! Ya!

Another borderline? Ah hail no!

These two quotes describe my uBPDxgf perfectly. She's like two pictures in one - hold it up to the light one way and you see a vision of   loveliness, but change the angle slightly (ie: look closely at her when she's raging)... .  

Water seeks its own level Perfidy

Perfidy...

Water does seek its own level... though you may not know it.

I never saw the connection between my pwBPD and my own mother... thought they were as different as could be... mom is quiet, bit passive-aggressive, hard working cowgirl type ... has accomplished a lot, can weld, raises stallions... and is in her 70s... My pwBPD... was pretty much a Jodi Arias clone... bit weird... bit phony, was hot sexy seductive type... tended to have strong emotions... like volume knob on 10 ... when happy, bounced around, when mad... was scary as hell.

So... recently read up on waif BPD types... and exact description of my mom... key difference between my pwBPD and mom... acting out vs acting in.

Do I like hot gals... absolutely... didn't marry till late 30's... had a lot of fun... but only one gal tore me up... my pwBPD. I dated other gals with sparks... the more sparks... the crazier the gal... one I dated (she was engaged to other guy)... sprayed lighter fluid on the guy after they married while he slept and lit bed on fire... he got out and was okay... divorced her... but there were sparks.

The strong interest/sparks thing is where the water is meeting its own level. If you were pulled in to a r/s with a pwBPD... and really got burned... you have some issues of your own to deal with... the attraction to your own level of emotional problems thing is real accurate/pervasive.

Takes a lot of accepting reality to admit the attraction to ms. crazypants is due to deep down similarity to your mom... its a mood killer to think it... and so is accepting that your pwBPD is emotionally a 3-4 yr old... . real easy to grab on to anything to keep from accepting that. Evading those facts... helped me to stay in hell about 2 yrs longer than I would have if I had not been desperately trying to prove she was my dreamgirl and we were going to live happily ever... . except she wasn't and we didn't.

I just wish my pwBPD had been right about me being an uncaring jerk... so i could have went from hot disordered girl to hot disordered girl... . but it doesn't work that way. What does happen is you ignore  red-flag  and get burned.

I think it's pretty cruel how attractive they are. Both my BPDexgfs are gorgeous. My first especially. But my second was literally my dream girl. She may not be as attractive by some standards, but she was what I saw when I closed my eyes and dreamt of my perfect girl. That's one reason this has been so hard to get over. It's so hard to come to terms with this perfect girl being so irreparably broken. How I felt like I had won the lottery when we were together, but now how I feel like I never want to be with anyone ever again. As time goes on and it nears a year that we have been apart, I'm still haunted daily by how much I wish things were different.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We projected what we wanted to see, hoping to get our needs met. They manipulated the situation in their own ways to get what they needed. Not such a pretty picture after all.

Every "exotic dancer" I have ever known has been BPD, and when you look at a lot of them objectively, they really are not that beautiful.

But one thing BPDs are, is masters of illusion

I don't think mine is a 10, but she's a solid 8, possibly nine. Other women have commented how gorgeous she is. Good racial mix of genes. Our kids are freaking gorgeous, very racially mixed.

I never had a problem with her outside... . she tried and tried to get my attention by focusing on losing all of 5 lbs out of 115. That wasn't the problem. The most beautiful person in the world is ugliest inside when they are raging, slamming the fridge so hard that crap breaks out onto the floor to make a mess simply because I let the baby fall asleep in my arms before his bath time, constantly demanding that I do things to make her happy, leaving me the occasional profane note or gaslighting email (or talking like that)... . etc... . and so on. You all know the behaviors.

One word- "charisma". They have it in spades or for you other gamers out there- they rolled a natural 20 on their charisma check. They have to have something so they are considered charming, attractive, you are naturally drawn to their persona they throw out to the world.

Mine was a waif from the beginning, a very pretty one. A mystery to solve. Someone with pain to soothe.

That says more about me.

For my ego... . I'm average to maybe a little below average in the looks department, though when women talk to me, they usually are attracted and like me a lot. I guess I have a quiet charisma.

I took some quiet pride that I "got" a hot woman. But in the end, it wasn't that, it was something else having nothing whatsoever to do with that. The Love of her Life who left her and broke her heart a few years before me was the guy every woman wanted to be with. So she went the opposite direction. Which says that was even another dynamic in play.

Honestly at my age I'm not that picky.  I find most women attractive, and I look beyond physical appearance quickly to see who they are, which is all that really matters to me.  In my youth it was exactly the opposite: if she was hot I didn't care who she was.  All part of growing up I guess.

It wasn't the physical attractiveness that did it for me with my ex, in fact the fake double D's were kind of a turn off, it was the intoxicating attention and apparent symbiotic connectedness that happened between us, a result of mirroring and a driving need to attach on her part, and a loneliness and susceptibility on my part, that created a fantasy that was much more of a buzz than a healthy getting-to-know-you.  Just like any drug, the downside hurt like hell.

Note to self: stop falling for cheap fantasy fast food when a sustainable hearty meal is much healthier.

They're what we thought we were looking for.

It works in our favor that when we find they're not able to be real with us, we're more real with ourselves.

It is the inside that's most attractive.

Wisdom my friend.  |iiii

     A great analogy! The 'packaging' doesn't matter at all if the contents are broken.

No, no, no... . We can fix them!

  :)   Now, now, Perfidy!

I know my replacement and ex are moving very fast.  I know this is all a part of the love bombing phase... . tick tock tick tock... . poor ass 

My ex can be very sexy.  She dances extremely seductively.  She can send off a "come f%&k me vibe, I am easy."  She has an edgy, bad girl look and a sharp wit (she is brilliant). And it works.  She has no trouble getting laid.  Objectively?  She is ok.  Age 48, frumpy body, heavy smoker, not so great skin... .   she is terrified she is past her prime; she will soon lose the one asset that always got her attention.  Sorry, but the edgy bad girl image doesn't work so well for women in their 50s.  Thus she sleeps with young dudes because that validates her. 

She was my wife and I still find her gorgeous :-(  Always will. 

Fiddle

I was always curious why women or men for that matter I guess, think it is so validating because someone is willing to sleep with them. The most homely person could probably go out any night of the week and get laid if they really wanted too. There are lonely horny people in every bar in town. I never understood the logic.

Right?  It should be more validating for one's self if someone is willing to have an intelligent conversation.  My ex wants to be friends with me.  She just doesn't want to be my wife and lover anymore.  Yet, for some reason I would feel more validated if she still wanted to sleep with me.  Why do we put so much stock into the sex act?  Does our culture nurture us to equate our self worth with our sexual attraction?   Other women want me sexually,  but I still desire my ex. Sigh... .

Fiddlestix

We want intimacy... that close connection that reflects the epitome of what we value, reflected back to us from another. That is what we want... but we are horny by nature and settle for sex as a substitute. Problem is we think or accept sex=love... and it doesn't.

Oh Fiddlestix! (Sorry had to say that  lol ) I totally get the validation part sexually as far as with someone you were already in a relationship with (especially married to) , who you loved and who did that to you . I absolutely feel that myself. Especially since he cheated on me and dumped me for someone else. I guess I just meant with strangers. To me yea it's probably somewhat of ego boost when someone wants to sleep with me because maybe they find me attractive. But I guess I know that isn't always the only reason. I agree I find it more validating when someone finds me interesting or sees something in me as a person.

I agree, sex does not equal love, but sex can communicate and strengthen love.  I was trying to make love with my ex, use physical intimacy as a way to build emotional intimacy.  :)idn't work, especially since she was just fcking to escape her pain for a minute.  :)ifferent, incompatible goals, didn't work for either of us in the long run, but hey, bodily fluids were exchanged, sheets were soiled, musta been bliss.

^^^ I can totally relate to this! Although oddly, as of late, we aren't even having sex much at all (I am guessing I know why... . although he is a lot older, has hormone issues, etc... . ) where as we used to have a great sex life. I always thought it would help build emotional intimacy too... he told me once that bc we have sex, its the only way he knows I love him (very odd!)

The perspectives are different for sure. Always thought of sex in a good r/s as a physical expression of the feelings we have for each other... like a celebration of our r/s. That seemed different from a libido driven hookup... which was more like a fun way to work out. I don't think pwBPD see it same as us most the time. It seemed like my pwBPD... viewed it as something she would do to get what she wanted, so long as the deal wasn't sealed yet. Like a con man that gives you a small amount of cash... so long as you are playing in to what they want... as you will be getting the bad end of any deal. Didn't express that very well... but it is what it seemed like... and it used to put me off.

Mine used to say "I can get anything I want with a blow job."  Yeah, maybe dumbass, but you will get nothing you need.

That is a far more concise way of stating it I think.

Charred... . who are you? Your insights and opinions really shake me up. The mother thing is really disturbing and rings true.  But them being only at the emtional level of a 3 year old? That's insane.

Hmm... so 3 yrs old seems low for maturity... .

Okay... some would say 7-8 years old (so they are without empathy). however I had a 3 yr old and ... when she was happy she bounced around smiling (like my pwBPD) and when she was very mad at her pre-school teacher... she tried to stab her in the back with a pencil.

So... since at all times after that... my daughter as she was 4 and up... acted more mature than my pwBPD... I concluded that my pwBPD was stuck at the emotional maturity level of a 3 yr old. She sees something she wants... no rational reason is going to sway her... period. Somehow she managed to graduate college and grad school... . and teaches kids now (my pwBPD)... but she is still flailing around in life trying to stab everyone in the back with a sharp object.

Okay... some would say 7-8 years old (so they are without empathy). however I had a 3 yr old and ... when she was happy she bounced around smiling (like my pwBPD) and when she was very mad at her pre-school teacher... she tried to stab her in the back with a pencil.

So... since at all times after that... my daughter as she was 4 and up... acted more mature than my pwBPD, no longer sticking people with pencils... using her words to express herself, saying "I am sorry" and "thank you".

I concluded that my pwBPD was stuck at the emotional maturity level of a 3 yr old. She sees something she wants... no rational reason is going to sway her... period. Somehow she managed to graduate college and grad school... . and teaches kids now (my pwBPD)... but she is still flailing around in

My exBPDgf told me her mother died at 2 and she had an emotionally negectful father growing up.  Was she arrested at 2 years old?

mine does the splitting rather easily.  I'm taking about both my three year old and my x.  my x  can process it later at some intellectual level,  but my 3  years old's tantrums seem to be over mute quickly.  thinking back of all of the ways in which my x told me to handle her ( in this I  did fail),  it was indeed like a little girl. I  grew to resent it more and more.  she felt it,  because it's like death to a BPD,  just as it would severely affect a little kid.  so she left for a  new  attachment,  all that easy.

I wish my exBPDgf had been emotionally stuck at about 27 yrs old... about at a good point of settling down... but seems like she is at 3... maybe 4 yrs level tops.

hmmm... .

Initially I did not find my xhwBPD the hottest guy around. He dressed horribly and does not have the nicest looking teeth. They are kinda small and yellowish.

But, he was so "into" me... the way he looked at me it was like I hung the moon.

That's what hooked me.

Boy I will never fall for that again. Today anyway.

LOL

L

Clinically it's said a borderline stops maturing when the trauma that created the disorder happened, and I've learned sometimes it isn't one event but conditions of the environment over time, different for everyone.  My ex seemed to be emotionally arrested somewhere in her mid-teens.  Tidbit: she considered her 16 year old daughter her 'best friend', and when her daughter turned 17 and became sexually active with her boyfriend, she began to intimidate my ex, because she had passed her emotionally.  And her 27 year old daughter?  Forget it, she ruled my ex's world when they were together.  And there's me trying to have an adult relationship with that, silly me.  In my defense she did parrot 'adult' pretty well to begin with, but under stress the real her showed up, as it does with us all.

Given that Kallor, how old would you say your ex was emotionally?

Well she was very immature and could not handle complex emotions at all. She either hated or loved any and everything. Nothing in between. Very contradictory on morals and values. She also asked me to not be a doormat and to be stern with her.  Flew into tantrums when upset and yelled and stomped around like a little girl.

She did tell me of a traumatic sexual event at 12. I think she never made it past that emotionally.

There you go then, that realization can help a lot as you process what went on.