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We spent a couple of weeks travelling, where I left most of the in-between decisions to UBPD partner. Of course some things went wrong... certainly I made a few mistakes like leaving the address of the hotel at the hotel, so couldn't tell the taxi where to go, I fell, needed help with luggage, was annoyed when he disappeared without telling me he was leaving... . He hardly spoke to me when travelling, never waited, made fun of me if I didn't see things he pointed out... didn't accept my decisions, and generally treated me like an idiot. But there were also nice times and we both enjoyed it.

Back home he tells everyone how dreadful I was, that he won't travel with me any more. I tried to talk to him about it.  Asked him to tell me all the things that made life difficult for him when we were travelling together. Told him I understood how stressful it must have been. We got a basis for discussion, and he said he had felt responsible for me, but I did such stupid things he couldn't cope with it. I told him that his behaviour was stressful for me and made me make more 'mistakes'.  So, I will try to change, he says, but you won't. You will continue to be stupid and do stupid things.

He just won't leave it. Whatever we talk about it comes up again. Always with the accusation that I have no intention of changing ... I always look the wrong way, don't hear what he said, don't listen, don't value him, that my IQ drops to 40... .

My self respect is ok, because I have done a lot of travelling and I know I cope with things well, not perfectly, but who does. Don't quite know how to deal with this further.

SET

"I am sorry you felt so stressed."

"I would be worried too if I felt responsible for someone else."

"Everything worked out ok and I was really happy to spend time with you."

It's insulting and abusive behavior. I would leave his company when he starts like this, and not engage in it and certainly dont start defending yourself. Just don't be there to expose yourself to it.

Its past empathy and support stage.

Hi foggydew,


good to hear that you got out and had a vacation. |iiii It can be very helpful to leave the acquainted environment and go somewhere else - it forces everyones senses into the here and now.

Lots of things happen when traveling (who am I telling this   :) )  and plenty of naturally occurring drama is experienced like not having everything at hand. And of course this is exciting... .

... . and need to be processed with some happening later. Of course another person will have experienced what you have experienced differently. And when the other person wore pink glassed the world experienced was rosy  :). And if it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses then one got the blues  *). You are experienced and balanced and experienced it like  :) :) *)  while he experienced it like:  :)        :'(      :'(   with wildly swinging emotions.

Now he is telling you what he has experienced. It is a bit confusing to you and it is to him too. You have a choice then:

  a) focus on getting the facts straight and compare his experience with yours

  b) focus on understanding his albeit confused emotion and help him regulate

From what you are telling I sense you are more on the a) side. This can at times be invalidating if not done very careful (SET) and in appropriate doses. And when invalidated the emotion that was invalidated gets stronger and it keeps him stuck.

An alternative is to accept that the picture in his mind is heavily skewed in ways you can not fully comprehend. Still you can try to learn how he feels at the moment about it. Telling him in for him understandable ways that you got that he was totally upset about the lost address and it was so sad you lost so much time in the taxi helps him to process what happened, helps him to regulate and move on. For more and lots of examples check out the workshops on validation (good pointers are in the LESSONS at the top of this board) or even more in the workshop section.

Last but not least keep in mind that emotions are in the NOW. You'll be surprised how the same story is told by him a few years down the road - it may have been one of the greatest he ever did.

Thank you all for responding. I read out of all this that I have to watch my boundaries but try not to be too invalidating. And yes, wildly swinging emotions is true, he's never travelled like that before and his need for control was certainly disregarded... . just by events and travelling in a very different country with a very different culture. I have told him repeatedly that I understand how distressing it was... and apologised. Right now he's stopped talking about it and I'm not going to bring it up ... though he's still negating any idea of travelling with me again. The holiday was really great for us both in other respects! I like the idea of helping him process what happened... . I'll try again with some points at various intervals.

I'm still feeling a bit shaken by the vehemence of the accusations, but being able to talk about it on here and find such empathy makes it bearable and I can try to process the stuff myself then. Thanks again.

No need to apologize and avoid JADE. Of course when we do something wrong we need to take responsibility this is critical to the maintenance of boundaries and a respectful relationship. Apologizing for the evils of the world personalizes them but you are not god. Are you really at fault here? Of course you could have better prepared but you did at the time what you thought best. Also you told he did a lot of planning. Some of the "problems" that are blown up beyond proportion may well be him judging himself for not being perfect and the associated feelings of guilt. You did a the time what you thought is best. You could have done better with better knowledge at the time but you certainly did reap the consequences of that. No need to feel guilty.

When kids grow up they will experience things that are overwhelming. Any one of those experiences can be avoided but not all of them - it comes with the territory of growing up and taking responsibility. Some of it comes with tears. Still can't be avoided in total and is part of a healthy growth process.

He'll get over it, take it when it comes in bits and pieces and keep in mind the most important is to take good care of yourself