BPDFamily.com

Hey there-

My BPD ex and I broke up over a year ago and have stayed in contact the entire time. We constantly reconnect on the fact that for both of us, our relationship was the best each of us has ever had. I was the only person that didn't enable her. I set boundaries and stuck to them. She is nowhere near the trainwreck you read about online about BPDs but still exhibited all traits. There was no infidelity or breaking of trust and we both were happy. I left because I didn't want to settle down and she did.

She is newly single and has contacted me, much like I do when I am newly single. It started with us getting drunk and having sex several times, but we have both shown interest in wanting to take things slow and build a new relationship. She is still hurting and I am beginning to get the sense that I'm just being used as a security blanket again. We kissed the other night after hanging out and she said she's really enjoyed spending time with me. She said 'thanks for putting up with me' after she had a little episode earlier in the day. I don't want to come off as desperate or needy but I don't want to make her feel abandoned so I've started to pull back a bit.

Is pulling back an acceptable way to establish that if she wants me as more than a safety net that she'll have to work for it? I don't want to play games but I also don't want to get taken advantage of. I don't know if her feelings for me are real or if she's just using me. Has anyone had experience with a partner reconnecting after a breakup and staying to build a new relationship? Or is she just going to go on to someone else when she finds them?

She did this once before but I fear it was a result of me pressuring her way too hard to reciprocate my emotions. This time I've been much more guarded and haven't allowed myself to fall hard. I think by pulling back she'll have to decide if she wants me around for good. Either way it might help her realize how much I've been there for her without me continuing to get walked all over.

I appreciate any insight. Thanks!

  whattodo

mh, sounds like another round in the push pull to me. Is this what you want?

In my opinion the first step is that you know what you want with her  and what not.

Another thought, hope you don't mind it, being drunk and fall in a relationship is not the best thing - I tell you this from my own experience. I did this more than once and I am not proud of it.

Yeah. My biggest issue right now is that we've been hanging out a lot and I want to be close with her again ... yet it doesn't ever feel like she wants me to get close or intimate. i feel like if i went to kiss her she'd do it relunctantly but wouldnt into it. It'll happen ssometimes at the end of a night but never before. I just wish she wanted to be like she was when we first got together but I think she's just using me now. Why else would she have me around to hang out and have fun all day and sleep in her bed at night if she wasn't romantically interested in me?

Perhaps because she is single and wants not to be alone. So she likes to be with you in a more friendship like manner.

Difficult for you, you are hoping for more, I guess. And I am worried about you when she will find another one. This will hurt you.  :'(

I kind of had simular experiences with my ex BPD. Broke up 2 years ago, she wanted friendship after telling me it was the best romantic time she'd ever had. But because she doesnt know how the handle her feelings a relationship wouldnt work... .

Anyway, eversince i'm sort of a safetynet aswell. During 2 years of watching her rollercoasting with others she keeps contacting me, feels like checking if i'm still around and want to be there for her.

We spended some weekends together eversince. During planning she text me every time... . "we are just friends" so you know, dont try anything more what could make things awkward... . I wouldnt force anyone to do things they dont want so i didnt made any moves.

We had good times during those weekends, good fun, nice talks and nothing more, nothing less... . eventhou i did wanted more but out of respect i didnt make any moves and got settled in friendship-mode.

Now the crazy-making-part... . Months after such a weekend i got a text from her saying : oh, it felt so natural our time being together that last weekend, i had such a difficulty for not talking your hand and be close"... . It just blew my mind! She blocked me that way before or wanted to be in control, and then suddenly she admits she did felt more... . And there is the tricky part... . Truth, manipulation, love, distraction, being used? They are never clear about that! Meanwhile she is into someone else again so silence, until her radar moves my way again.

Reading this previous conversation i got thinking like Surnia says: Is this what you want? Such a safety-net-relationship? Mine never turns into the one again i felt for during our little lovestory... . So my answer is NO, i dont want a relationship were i'm used when it suits her according to her rules. And yet, her calls are hard to ignore... .

Take care for yourself whattodo! And be even better for yourself as you are for your ex. You are worthed much better if they dont change themselfs, you cant do that for her, watching it will only make you hurt.

There are different aspects in a relationship that are more or less important at different times.

 Sex

 Love

 Attachment - low level bonding connection to something. Creation and maintenance is connected to strong emotions. Not just positive but also hate and fear also strengthen it. The leaving board lessons are all about detaching for a reason.

Now contrary to what many people believe many pwBPD tend to form strong and long lasting attachments. There are of course also some which are the complete opposite who do not form stable attachment at all but it is less common than a casual observation of the board would indicate.

From what you have written you are still attached to each other. You stayed in contact and there are back and forth exchanges. You do have a relationship although from what you write Sex is not part of it and Love is unclear.

Why would she want to be around you? Maybe because you are giving her what she needs? PwBPD are strongly motivated by validation. They struggle to self validate and tend to mess up their environment in a way that it becomes invalidating which can be seen in stories on how BPD relationships tend to develop.


What would that tell you? That she is afraid of loosing the connection to you? Game playing just leads to more game playing.


Her feeling are real but then they are also not stable if she suffers from BPD. Her feelings may turn into hate on a dime and back again. She is using you as a source of emotional support but how aware she is who knows. "Use" in a relationship should be mutual. She is certainly getting something from you. Are you getting something out from the relationship for yourself? And what is it?



This is what you wrote in your intro post:



Past behavior is often a good indication for future behavior. You got a basis for trust and reasons for caution.



It is not unusual for relationships to break up and mend again and in your case geography played a role so it is not even a BPD caused breakup (the break-up dynamic may well have had some BPD aspects).


Instead of game playing why not use the effort and spend it on validating communication (read up on validation and invalidation, particularly validating negative emotions)? Get to know her better instead of get closer to her. Control which boundaries you lower and how much - mutual respect is critical for having a healthy relationships with a pwBPD.