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I've read this is a BPD characteristic - I'm just wondering if these are considered "mirroring" and have others experienced similar?

- My dBPDgf's best friend visited recently.  This was the first time I have met the friend.  I noticed immediately that much of the language my GF uses and the way she acts is similar to the way her best friend talks and acts. And honestly, I wonder if part of her obsession with having a baby is because both of her best friends are single mothers.

- My GF rarely makes a decision on her own without asking someone else first.  When we go into a restaurant, she ALWAYS asks me what I am going to order before I order, and frequently will order the same thing as me.  She either asks me or her best friend what she should do in certain scenarios, usually about things that are basic everyday life decisions.  Should I eat now?  Should I take a shower?  Do you think I should paint my fingernails?

- She rarely will do anything on her own unless she is forced to, and will often make excuses not go somewhere or do something.    This includes going to the store, cleaning, going to AA meetings, cooking, hobbies, or exercise.  If I do it, she will do it.  And on the weekends, this is maddening for me.  She expects that since I have the whole day off work, I will spend both days everyday with her.  If I tell her I need to fix my car or want to watch a football game, she will remark about how bored she is and ask me what she should do while I am doing my things.  She claims it is due to depression and lack of motivation, but I wonder if it is from lacking an internal sense of self and needing others to mirror.

Are these examples of "mirroring", and if so, what is a good way to deal with it?  It really weighs on me how much she depends on me for entertainment on the weekends or evenings.  How do I encourage her to do things on her own?  Sometimes I make an excuse to go out, and that will force her to find her own activities.  I'm thinking of joining some kind of class or club a few nights a week, and that will force her to look for her own activities.  Or would it be better to bring this up directly?  "I know you are struggling with depression right now, and moving to a new town is difficult.  But, I am very concerned that you have no activities that you like to do on your own.  It would help me feel more secure about our relationship if you had something in addition to me that brings you pleasure." 

oh God, where to begin? My husband has stated "I never understood the question 'who are you?'. it doesn't make sense. what am i SUPPOSED to say?" yes, lacking an essential sense of self is quintessential BPD, and what all of their behaviors and concurrent issues spring from.

- the fear of abandonment is a product of that empty/ worthless/ invisible feeling they have inside. ("they will see that i am nothing, and leave me!"

- the anger is a tool to push away, keep you from getting too close so that you cannot see them for what they really are: hollow and worthless

- the paranoia/ anxiety/ hyper-vigilance is a result of the abandonment fears/ emptiness, for they are always searching for and convinced that they will be left.

- pervasive shame can be traced to the lack of self as well

everything comes back to the core identity. when my uBPDh and i recently talked about these concepts, in a rare moment of openness and clarity, he allowed me to speak about it. when i explained that the core of the disorder is the yawning emptiness... . nothingness inside of him... . he literally clutched his chest and dropped to his knees. (and this is a DEEP denial, high functioning borderline.) when asked who he is, he will name job or life roles (a dad, a contractor), but cannot describe attributes. years ago in therapy, no matter how hard he was drilled, he couldn't do it then either. he has difficulty making small decisions in life - what to order from restaurants, what to do in his free time etc. claims he doesn't know "what he is SUPPOSED to order". this is a common refrain for him. who is he supposed to be? he has no idea. whatever it is, it doesn't exist yet and needs to be cultivated. but what if it's wrong? what if it's no good? what if no one wants him? it is paralyzing. and no amount of behavioral therapy can give that to them.

how to deal with this. refuse to make decisions for them. if they ask you your opinion, turn it around and ask them. if they will not participate, then you can refuse to answer. it'll make her nuts, but it may force her to eventually take some ownership of her life and consequences. for us, it is all about that dance. for example: he would not plan ANY aspect of our family vacation. where to go, what day to leave, how to drive there, how much money we can spend. nothing. nada. just kept saying "whatever you want to do. i don't care." but then while ON the trip, he didn't miss an opportunity to berate me, "why did you plan it this ay? why are we driving through this city? this was a dumb idea? didn't you research this first? how much did this room cost? didn't you consider the kids? etc. the trips we take are so effing bad because he refuses to make any decisions, that i have told him the girls and i will take separate vacations from now on. so "the dance" that i am talking about is the one where EVERYTHING WRONG IN THE WORLD is my fault. it can't be his, cause he had nothing to do with it, right? because if it was his fault, then he would be BAD. because in BPD land, he is one or the other - so if he is bad, he is ALL bad. me being bad, keeps him safe from being bad, and keeps the facade from crumbling for one more day.