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Well I didn't do a very good job in validating or using any of the tools. Lost it completely when he refused to respect my boundaries.

Now he says he's leaving me, well who knows. He gets on the phone to reinforce himself and lists out all his grievances (re money, my family and me ruining him) to whoever will listen (or who, I believe, he knows will sympathize). Uses his great manipulative skills to make me sound like the demon.

And of course he is always accusing me of complaining to everyone I know about him, which I don't, most of my family is walking on eggshells too with him but I only talk to my mom and it's trying to figure out ways to communicate, improve things.

Does it bother you that he or she does this when mad? Obviously they don't call them when things are good to tell them all the idealization side of things

Sorry for so many posts ... . Worst month in a while.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My dBPDw has pretty much managed to convince all those around us how mean and terrible I am and how I never do anything for her.  She hasn't worked in 5+ years, does not help with any housework and I paid for her to go back to college and get her degree. 

I am nothing but kind, supportive, nurturing, and encouraging and positive towards her, yet I still am "abusive and mean" somehow. 

It is so exhausting.

You don't need to apologize for posting so much. That's what we're here for.

I can totally relate to you. Every time my uBPDw gets really upset she texts her friends and/or goes out to coffee with them and badmouths either me, my family, or both. She has even tried recently to see if she can stay overnight at a relative's house rather than cooling off and staying at home (they didn't enable her that way though). We have an almost 2 year old son which makes things a little more complicated. I get mad at her for taking off because she just gets to take off whenever she feels like it and I obviously can't because I have to take care of our son. I talk to her about the need for her to do some counseling to feel better about our situation but she refuses. It can definitely be tough.

I'm afraid I don't have much to offer for advice, but just wanted to share a similar story about my situation.

Mine does tell people things. His ex, which part of the reason why I think she feels she still has a chance. There was 2 people a couple of years ago. One was a girl who was a "friend" who kept coming to me, telling me he was telling her he wanted to dump me and basically would I please disappear. She said they were really close, and so on. And he was in fact being too close to her. She disappeared about a year ago. So his ex, a couple of friends, have thrown it in my face. They all think I am awful.

Well, occasionally you just have enough and fight back. It is self defense and you are right to protect your self and your boundries.  The point of us being here and learning the lessons is to keep the situation from ramping up so badly that we can't live our day to day life.

PacifistMom, he is upset, but you are on the receiving end. It's really hurtful and upsetting for you too. You have limits, too. He is crowding you all over the place. Self care is very important.

Is there anything you can do to physically put space between yourself and him so that you get a break from the drama and upset?