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Well, I went to see the P for the first time today.

It was pretty much a timeline, hx of the relationship, hx of me, hx of my alcoholism.

I did the majority of the talking.  I was honest, forthcoming, and open-minded.

He did tell me a few things, though:

1.) He could not diagnose anyone with BPD without meeting them, however, she does demonstrate many of the cluster B traits, to which one, it really doesn't matter, bc the treatment will not be hinged on her and what she does, rather on what is going to make me a happy, successful person once again.

2.) Because of the traits and above acknowledgment, I MUST/NEED to move on.  This woman is dangerous and it is vital.  I took notes, looked up the definition of vital and it means "life-giving".  So P seems to think my life depends on detaching from this woman.  WOW!

3.) It is about me and my son.  I need to focus on me and my son from here on out.  If she is truly BPD, I am my son's ONLY hope. 

Well, like I said this was my first session, feel like everything he told me I already knew.  So we can see what happens next time... .

Arn

Arn,

For your course of treatment to work as efficiently as possible you'll need to be brutally honest with your T and yourself. You'll have hi's & lows and even at times be near breaking point. You will meet & face your own demons (not hers).

And afterwards... . You'll be an even greater man & father!

You go for it my friend & I sincerely wish you all the best on your journey of enlightenment!

Arn...

I am so relieved to hear you talking like this.

Now you have your true objective. Your son.

That's why / how I got through my divorce, I kept thinking about my sons, and how my choice in a husband was affecting them negatively.

This is what I meant about "real" love. It's the love you have for your son, not for your pwBPD.

Lyn

A huge step in taking an interest in yourself arn. That's the only way. Ain't no other way. Happy for you!

Congrats on getting through your first appointment. Once a week or so for me and the results have been amazing already. We have worked on my childhood/adult issues of my dad being such a controlling person. It's amazing how bad that can f@ck someone up!  My passive aggressive behavior has become totally manageable (confirmed by my ex "not BPD"wife based on our recent communications).  I am more assertive and much easier on myself. I can be alone and not sweat it. I do not fear abandonment. This really has all been a blessing in disguise.

Arn

Be brutally honest. Do not hold in your emotions. It will pay huge dividends.  Work on you!  You will be glad you did.

Sounds like good ol common sense doesn't it?  Funny how we can't see that when we have been so abused for so long. Deprogramming how you feel about her and realizing how little worth she is can be tough. Been there. Hang in there and don't let her win. Every day that you get through is one closer to recovery!  Don't worry about the ups and downs. They will come. You will even find some stuff you can laugh about. I know.

  Happy for you, arn. Stories like yours and others who've got marriages, kids, houses etc. to deal with make me thankful that I never got that far with mine. If I had, I know I'd be in a much darker place than I am now. Stick with the sessions, brother. They may get uncomfortable at times, but everything worth having comes at a price.  :) 

Good for you Arn!

My first session is on tuesday, ive been putting it off, nice to hear it was a positive experience for you.:)

Thanks, ya'll.

It wasn't really positive or negative.  It just was.

I thought I was going to come out feeling the world was my oyster; but meh.

It takes time Arn. It'll pay off in spades. Keep working with your P. Glad to hear your getting help.

Meh is how I feel when I'm growing the most, meh is way better thanAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!'

Hi arn

You were in my thoughts about your first T session yesterday.

Great you did it.  |iiii

Sounds like your T is straight forward.

Yeah,

I saw my abnormal psyche professor from when I was in nursing school a few weeks ago.  Her and her husband were getting drinks before the NFL game in our city.

She always loved me and I always loved her class.  We just clicked, sometimes you get that with your professors... . sometimes not.

She asked me about my boy and my family. And I told her my son was doing great; but that I should have listened more intently in her class  because I am detaching from a relationship with a woman I believe has bPD traits.  My professor also teaches but has a private practice of her own in the city... . she told me "RUN".  I asked if there was no helping her... . She said "you don't want to be the one to try"

I gave her the name of the P I would be seeing, and she told me he is one of the best in the city.

So, I pretty much vomitted 30 mins of BPD in his lap when I walked in     , and towards the end he switched back some things I need to focus on from here on out... . BUT WHY?  IT's soo much fun talking about how much of a miserable albotross she is... . what do you mean we have to focus on me?  

He said she def had cluster B traits and to pretty much move on bc at this point she is dangerous.  I am a math/physics guy so I guess, I had held out hope he was going to leave me with the magic BPD formula to fix her... . to box my final answer in... .

Albatross   haven't heard that one in a while. Ya... Funny. Reach into the pelicans beak and snatch a free meal.

 Well known, no formula from my T neither.

I remember my HS sweetheart.  Homecoming queen.  We dated 3 years.  We went to different colleges.  I was crushed but got in a fraternity and, well, forgot about her in maybe 6.7 seconds.

One I dated in college, left to pursue a graduate level degree... . this one hurt a little more. We dated a year and a half.

Came home, worked at the bank, met her... . God, how long is 14 years, with a son, and failure of a fmaily gonna take.

That's what scares me

Arn

How long is it gonna take?  The only answer is one day at a time. You are taking the right steps for YOU. FWIW, my P also said the exact same thing. RUN!

What are exactly your fears? Perhaps you could put it in words.

Yes arn...

My T said the same thing. That my xhwBPD has been this way for 45 years, did I really think he was going to change?

She said she had women in her practice that were in abusive marriages (verbal, emotional) who are shells of themselves after 20 years of marriage. That years of biting their tongues, and verbal lashings made them virtually disappear. She asked me if that was what I wanted. Because life has no guarantees, and there was no guarantee that my ex would ever stop abusing me.

God knows I prayed for help. It didn't come in the form I hoped it would. I hoped my ex would want to save our marriage, but he just wanted me to do what he said. Horribly insecure and sad man. Faith helped me have the strength to exit that marriage and saved me and my boys from further harm.

He is married again I think, not sure and it's none of my business, but I have no doubts that he has not changed.

It's no one's fault anymore. It just is what it is.

God bless,

Lyn

I am scared of it taking a really long time to get over this, Surnia.  I felt she was the one for me, we had a son, and we started a family.  The thought of starting new, with someone else, and this taking years to process and move on, is scary... .

But 30 or 40 splits in 14 years has made my heart a stone.  I believe I  am capapble of grieving les and less.

I actually feel like I should have grievwed my dad's death longer, but she gave me the ability to have super human grieving capabilities with all of her splits, betrayals, and lies, and leaving.

Just a thought?

I totally get this Arn!

A broken heart cries for itself & nobody else! What with the constant arguing, splitting capers i went through I too ended up operating with a stone & soul instead of a heart & soul. I grieved my brothers death & my best friends death while in 'The Dance' of a BPD relationship... . And NEVER shed a tear for either of them. You can't afford to grieve anyone else properly when in a BPD relationship!

Good lord that would be too selfish & the punishments that would ensue are unthinkable!

I'm not only grieving my relationship now, I'm grieving those I didn't grieve fully during the dance that turned me to stone! Doesn't The Ice Queen turn people into stone?

Yeah, I danced with The Ice Queen!

Arn:  Yes you have opened a door to a new world by taking the first step to take care of yourself.  It is also a can of worms.  I look as going to see a P or T as learning how to have courage for new (positive) behaviors.  At times I say to myself," Dorothy you had the f%@**ng shoes on the whole time.  You just didn't know how to use them." 

Oh, and one more thing:  don't be too hard on yourself. I know that is easier said than done.   Well, at least maybe that can be a goal.  It is very easy to fall into self-pitying, wallowing in the lowest places, but there is a tomorrow, and it can be better than today.

I think this community is one of the best places I have ever seen such broad support for such a complicated situation. People here really care.  Oh, if only we could pool all our remarkable talents to solve world hunger and grant world peace!

I agree, Arn. I lost both my parents in the last three years (90 & 91) and the grieving was easy. Grieving the end of our marriage has been hell, especially with her spite and vindictiveness.

My therapist, who worked at a psych hospital for 12 years, crossed his index fingers and held them up when I mentioned my wife had BPD. Go figure... .

The other thing about "vital" is the metaphor about being in a plane crash and the need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. If you do not save yourself, you cannot help anyone else.

Guilt can be a killer.  I know.  There were some things that I have had to deal with as a result of this and my prior marriage before this fiasco that I am most certainly NOT proud of.  I have been carrying that guilt for a long time, but over the last few months I have decided I have PAID enough and it is time to let myself off the hook.  Not saying that it no longer matters, because if if  didn't, I have learned nothing.  And that boys n girls truly is a waste.  

It is a wonderful place for guys like us to have a place to vent and share.  Nice to know we all have something in common and that we haven’t lost our damn minds.  

It’s been a long hard road for me for sure, but I am not letting my past destroy my future.  I have some resentment now, but I don’t miss her anymore.  I am almost in a stage of disbelief... . Disbelief that I let someone like her control me like that... . That I let destroy everything I know about myself... . and almost take my life away from me in som many ways... .   She no longer has her claws in me anymore…I’m getting on with my life and she’s doing something with her’s…I’m sure still in the same sick cycle she’s been driving around in for years.  More power to her.  She is on longer my problem. 


THis board?  

very much my experience too. when my father died (89) i felt what i should have felt. when my mother (100) goes it may be a relief (she's hateful). with this marriage exploding i've been wrecked, partly because afterwards she turned narcissistic, spiteful, vindictive - my T called it 'sadistic' - and what she will be like in the divorce i have no way of knowing.


  :)

Arn,

  That's a great step and courageous of you. This is about forging a good life for you and your son. Moving forward and being truly happy and healthy.

You are still in the obsessing stage over your ex. I know because I have been there. I was thinking about her moments ago.  It won't go away but it gets better. I am hoping your therapist is good and they divert you from obsessing. It isn't about your ex and diagnosing her. It's about why you were attracted and why you stayed.

This is about you.

Please use this time to learn more about why you made the decisions you did. Yes your ex played a role but why did you tolerate such poor treatment from her.

Eventually you will get to a better place. You just need to put in the hard work and effort in improving you.  

Best of luck to you. :)