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My BPDw is off and running again for another semester of classes. Now, she is going to be gone this week for 4 days, then works for 3, and then will be studying for her classes for a day or 2. She has been complaining how busy she has made herself for something she wants, and she gets excited when she gets her books and other materials for her classes. She came back from working yesterday, and her daughter and I wanted to see how her day was. I typically am quick to the point to listen, to validate while still appreciating the fact that she has been working hard during the day. I asked her, if she needed help, and she said she didn't need my help. She told me after several minutes: "I need my space. I have a lot to do." While I can appreciate her point of view, when it came to her daughter, she devoted more than a couple of hours talking and talking being in her space. So, I promptly stayed away from her for the rest of the evening and just said good night. Today, she's going to work, comes back, collects her things to spend 4 nights away. Oh, yes, I get to wake her up each morning, because she doesn't rely on herself to wake up. Later, when her classes are over, she calls to say how excited she is about her classes. Some time ago, she said that there is no us. Well, she is living up to that philosophy of non-marriage. And she wonders why I have medical problems. Granted, I do have my own joys, like teaching, tutoring, writing books, etc., but like I have posted previously here, I would give most of this up, just to have a marriage.  :'(

Hey Samuel,

it's not really my place to assume or judge if you're being duped or overly sensitive.  It sounds like you're unhappy though.  Have you tried just kinda accepting that this is your marriage?  As non-marriage-like as it feels to you?  What you see is what you get, sort of thing.


Are these joys a part of who your are as an individual separate from your wife's identity?  Can I ask why you'd be willing to give up your own joys just to have a marriage and what that means exactly? 

123Phoebe, a little background information might be appropriate for you to understand. She always felt restricted in her childhood and in her first marriage. Due to the loss of their oldest child 15 years ago and general conflicts in their marriage already, they got a divorce. My BPDw and I met and got married. She started feeling comfortable and free, and she always told me that she was my ideal wife, that my first family really did not love me. As the years evolved, we did separate and couple therapies for different issues. Then, she became so inspired to want to do her own thing to the extreme, which she freely has admitted to me. She said this is how she is going to be. She told me that during our intimate times which are now non-existent for the last five years, she felt like my daughter. She told me when I was in the hospital, that I was going to pay for the hospital expenses. By the way, I have three insurance plans, thus me not needing to pay for hardly anything. She told me that I was the reason why I got into a whiplash car accident in which I was standing still at a legal stoplight, and the other person hit me. She wasn't even in my car, and she told me, if my attitude were better, that I wouldn't have had the accident. By the way, both insurance companies paid for all of my expenses. She has focused so much on her own things even before her schooling now, that she does not have time for us to be us. I really have no other choice, but to accept things as they are. She wants to be happy. I want her to be happy. Yet again, she has gone from being very loving and very self-serving and very degrading. Now that she is happier doing her own thing exclusively, she is still very self-serving, but not degrading. This is the only benefit for me personally.

As for my personal joys, they are based on things that I have done virtually all of my professional life. I would not give up all of my joys, but I most certainly would freely give up some of them.

As for my definition of marriage, it does mean you have two independent individuals, while they do have outside interests, who have many of the same goals together and definitely devote time to one another on a regular basis. Otherwise, why be a couple? In a book that is going to be published that I have written, I say that the reason why a family is a family is because there is a couple who love and respect one another, and they make time for one another on a regular basis. Granted, they have their differences, but they don't experience things like what I and so many other nonBPDs have unfortunately encountered.

Several other things are important for you to be aware of. I believe in the preciousness of life. Thus, I have never hurt my BPDw in any way whatsoever. I have always treated her with love, kindness, respect, and dignity, as she and everyone else deserves.

You might ask why I stay in this non-marriage. I stay, because she says that we can be a couple after she finishes her four years of schooling. While I would love to believe that, her happiness to become an acupuncturist and to do it to the extreme is making me have my doubts, if she can or if she will even remember her supposed promise. I am just holding by a thread of hope that she truly believes that.

Lastly, at first, she was unhappy, and she then felt comfortable enough to feel happy. I too was happy. Then, as the years have elapsed, she has devoted so much time and so much effort to her own things, that I don't even remember the last time we went out on a date together. You see, she is too busy even for a couple of hours to go to a movie. Thus, as you have pointed out, I am unhappy, and while I have my personal joys, I am acting out by eating unhealthy things that I know are wrong for me.

I think that it's reasonable to voice your needs in the marriage and set some clear expectations. It really sounds like she is focusing on her own needs and neglecting yours. My soon to be ex used to max out her schedule by working and going to school. She would make going to church a priority, and she would ensure that she did not work on Sunday around that time. Our relationship basically took a backseat to everything else and I would have long discussions with her about the importance of having quality time together (I was called controlling then).

In the end, you have to do the things that make you happy and look out for yourself Samuel. You might want to remind her there is no "I" in team.

Good luck!

A cousin of mine mentioned to me about a book entitled "Radical Acceptance". Although I have been too busy to read it, I guess the premise is basically to accept things as they are, even though they seem rather radical. To my BPDw's credit, she has not been abusive, because she is happy with what she wants to do. If I accept that this is going to make her happy with the possibility of making us a couple again, I guess it is worth the wait. It still hurts, and I would prefer to have her more in my life now; however, for me to suggest that would come off very harshly to her. At least, this is how I feel now, and I guess that's all that really counts!

I still disagree with how clinical and insensitive she can be about others, but she is in the pharmaceutical business and knows how the life span goes. Nevertheless, when she complains about how difficult her classes are, thus overpowering actual real life and death issues of people like my elderly aunt right now, that just goes to show me how she can be so very selfish and very insensitive. Ironically, when I met her, she wanted someone to listen to her due to the loss of her daughter, but now, when she hears of such situations by others who have been grieving for a long time, she immediately becomes critical of them. HMMM!

I guess the moral of the story is, it's always about them. If they are sick, they expect you to take care of them. If you're sick, you will probably get criticized. If you bring up this indifference to them, they're quick to point out how great they are and all of the wonderful things they've done for you.

The latest "words of wisdom" from my BPDw came out of her mouth last night. For the last four days and three nights, she was out of town taking her university classes with me only talking with her for about five minutes each morning and each evening. She came back to our condo last night, and her daughter and I greeted her. She complained a little, but she seemed to be overjoyed by the information she has been learning. All things considered, it sounded like it was a good evening. After unpacking, she did a little cooking. I was in my room doing some computer stuff, thus giving her her space that she needed. As she left, she said the following: "I don't have any time for anyone in this household." Subsequently, she sat at the table with her daughter for several hours doing her studying and talking with one another. Reflecting on this latest chaos, her words and her actions, she really doesn't have any time at least for me, and she considers this place a household and not our home. Words are powerful, helpful, or destructive. How I react to them is just as powerful. Yet, if you string all of her words and all of her actions together, she is like promoting herself with a guilty verdict in a court of law. This truly is sad. I understand she is busy, but she is happy, but she wants to say such hurtful things right out of the blue. By the way, she told me at the beginning of our relationship and then our marriage that she and her daughter were much better than my first family, that they didn't love, that they used me, instead. I wish I could have recorded her words to play them back to her now.

SimplySeattle, your comments about when a BPD is sick is so very appropriate. The world has to revolve around them; however, if we nonBPDs are sick, we get criticized.

More often than not, that has happened to me. The most flagrant example of this was when I had to be hospitalized by my doctor's requests 3 times 2 years ago. I was hospitalized for a total of 15 days due to blood clot issues. While some of the time my BPDw was nice and considerate, there was 1 visit she made to me where she said that my hospitalization was going to be costly for us, that I didn't need to be in the hospital. After she said that, I didn't even look at her. After she left, I cried and told the nurse what had happened. I subsequently talked to a social worker there who couldn't believe what he had heard. By the way, since I have substantial coverage, we were not charged a single dime.

A 2nd example of her insane, insensitive talk was when I was rear-ended when I was at a legal stop, and she wasn't in the car with me. Yet, she said that I caused the accident because of my negative attitude. When she told me that, I told her the circumstances of the accident, and I most certainly do have a very positive attitude. I was in physical pain, and I couldn't believe what I had heard. Then, she shut up completely after realizing how foolish she was.

All of this verbal, insane, insensitve rubbish is unbelievable, but all of us nonBPDs can attest to that!