BPDFamily.com

This might seem insignificant, but it's really bugging me.

In a recent post here I discussed how E has demanded I give up certain friends and activities. I have refused to do it and thus, something else has come up related to this situation. Though, E, is unaware that I know what is going on.

E has a friend named A. I don't really know her except through FB and she is a part of the community/hobby I'm involved in. Her and I have never met in person. He has met her/hung out with her in person only once. Their friendship is mainly on FB and on the phone (as she lives in a neighboring state).

The issue I have with her is that she can be a bit of a trouble-maker, not just between E and I, but there are a few people out there who have had problems with her, as well. In 2011, it got to be a big issue between E and I. I had no problems with A until her and E became such buddies. He was doing the typical BPD splitting and painting me black. Basically, making me look like a big fool, crazy, and a horrible person. So, of course, she has a less than favorable opinion of me. She only hears what he says and is not seeing the reality of his BPD/mental illness. At that time I found emails between the two of them and she had wrote a lot of mean and ugly stuff about me. He was obviously perpetrating it.

In 2011, when I did confront the two of them and set a boundary, it did put the kibosh on their friendship. However, she ridiculed me as his "jealous and crazy-b*tch girlfriend." And he's never split or painted her black.

So, since I wouldn't give up Jay (though, I don't really talk to Jay much anymore) and Susan… E has rekindled his friendship with A. I can access the house phone records and this past week they've had 3 phone conversations lasting nearly 2 hours each.

Like I said, he's unaware that I know of the renewed friendship. I can't help it, but it bugs me. Am I being a big baby?

Maybe I'm over analyzing this but there is something that seems to go deeper here. When I had them discontinue their friendship, he didn't appear upset by it. His attitude was, "meh… ok." During their friendship, he spent hours upon hours talking to her. Wouldn't you think that if you put that time and effort into a friendship, losing the person would be a bigger deal to you? I don't know, it just seems odd to me. 

I don't think you are being a big baby because I think it does go deeper than that. It almost reeks of, "if you won't give up X for me (which you know ticks me off) then I am going to rekindle my relationship with Y (because I know it ticks you off." Seems like the Classic tit for tat game they play.

Mine does this constantly. If I say I am going to meet a friend for a drink then he goes into "fine I will too. If I want to join a gym he does too. If I want to do anything he does too. It gets ridiculous. Not an original thought in his body but he is gonna do whatever I am to... . I don't know, show me or something.

I guess the thing you need to think about now is how you feel about them resuming their relationship and how you want to handle it. I would let him know that I know and put it out there. I would ask why he is doing this if the agreement was the opposite. Letting him carry on just let's him feel like he's winning.  As I recall you were pretty up front with him about the group you wanted to be a part of and I would have issues with what he is doing behind your back.

My H keeps people like this in his contacts though despite having agreed to cut contact because they are toxic friends and whenever I upset him he picks one to call and talk about me too. I think this is just one more silly thing they do to feel like they have the upper hand.

Doesn't matter if you are right or wrong, or even being fair. It is either something you can come to accept and not bother you, or it is something that is going to eat you up. If it is the latter it needs to addressed, if not amicably, then by use of boundaries and actionable enforcement.

The only truth is you will never know the truth  (seem to be saying that line a lot of late !)

Waverider, once again the perfect words at the perfect time. I just emailed that line to a friend of mine struggling with whether her cheating husband is telling the truth about how many times he was unfaithful. She has been unable to make a stay or go decision being hung up on getting the truth. This is exactly what she needed to hear too.

Thanks for the replies. It bugged me for a few days and now I'm feeling "meh, who cares" about it. I've been in the detachment process for a while now and that has helped me not get so worked up about stuff like I used to in the past.

:)