BPDFamily.com

I've moved out since 6 weeks ago. I can't sleep and feel soo depressed! The think that my ex is crazy makes me sick and very scared. I wish I didn't know too deep about BPD and I can't clear it from my mind. I don't know what to do, I think I'm going crazy myself!

Sometime I'm jealouse of others who could move on and thought they had enough but I couldn't it must be proved to me that he's not capable of loving. It's been proved but thinking that he's crazy shakes my whole body. How could I be so blind?

If any of you reach to this stage that you felt you hate your partner, can you share what's happened? 

(( pearl))

Your only 6 wks out my friend, its totally understandable that you feel this way...

Breathe pearl, deep breaths ok?

I Used to hate the ex too I had so many fantasys of  

Chopping his n*ts off, poking sharp objects in his eyes, sticking large objects up his bottom... .

You get my drift pearl? I was madd.

This did nothing, NOTHING to help me recover

All it did was feed my anger, the anger made me bitter, the bitterness mad me mad, and all of that combined fueled my ruminations like crazy!, yup, I thought I was going crazy too pearl!

Learning about BPD helped me understand that

He dosent think the way I do- he CANT

He never will

Dosent matter what I did/ do

Nothing will ever change that fact.

All I can do Is figure out why I stayed... .

Another important factor here is time (( pearl))

I know it probably feels like this will last forever and a day, but it wont... .

IF you start thinking about YOU and your life, not him.

So Pearl, what about you?

Are you in some sort of therapy?

I start tomorrow, im crapn myself because

It truely means its all about me now, ive spent 8 years hiding behind his BPD, so I didnt have to look at myself, Im scared but excited.

How are things going for you Pearl?

P.s your not blind, your just human

Pearl you are in the very early stages. I felt very numb the first few months, and it delayed my healing. The fact that you are grieving now is good, it means you are very close anger and then acceptance.

You have to quit beating yourself up about this now. Whatever happens to your partner is no longer your concern. You are your concern.

Do you have any outside face to face help? A therapist? A group perhaps?

You do whatever it is you need to do to get better, put yourself and your feelings first, treat yourself gently. You are going to be ok. I promise you.

Thinking of you today,

Lyn

Hi pearl, what you are going through is absolutely normal.   I agree with Lyn,  it doesn't hurt to to get professional help.  They can give you meds to help you sleep.  And also to help you if you are going through depression.  I have the responsibility to take care of myself.  It is not my fault that my relationship failed.  I was with someone with a serious mental illness that made a healthy relationship all but impossible.  I learned valuable lessons about my codependancy and I have taken action to address those issues.   '

Hang in there

The pain will pass soon enough

Tim

Hi,

everyone moves on in their own time, hopefully sooner than later.  For some it is a slow a difficult process.  Venting on these boards can helpful as it has been for me because you see that you not alone.

It scary to know that not only to have feelings for this person, but that from the core their something that attracted us to them.  We have to work on ourselves.  The less we try to figure them out and work on our own issues and needs the better we learn to cope and move forward.  It is not an easy process because of the deep feelings that are involved in this type of relationship.

However, it is important for you know that you are not responsible for this person behaviors, actions or feelings... . Only for your own, and when dealing with someone irrational, we can sometimes become someone we hardly recognise ourselves, but you can get through this!

Hi Pearl,  It takes a long time to recover from the trauma of a BPD r/s, so cut yourself some slack.  The best news is that you moved out, which gives you an opportunity to heal and put this chapter behind you.  I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years and can attest that it doesn't get better as time goes on, so be grateful that you are moving on, as painful as it might be for you.  LJ

Pearl, I'm not much further out than you and I keep going back and forth with the hate thing.  Especially as I work on me and slowly understand what this disorder is all about.  It's such a process.  I do find myself starting to detach and with that feel not so depressed.  But then again, I have my good days and my bad days.  At this point it is truly a matter of time.  Some of us move along quicker than others, yet that doesn't make it any less painful.  I do know that I'd be lost without this board.  Hang in there.   

Thank you for all your support and kind statements!