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Title: Dating but still hung up on the BPD ex Post by: CatBlack on January 13, 2014, 12:06:01 PM I just posted this over on the "Building Healthy Relationships" board in a thread on dating sites, but I'd like to take it here because it's putting me in an extremely "undecided" space... .
here's what I just posted: Wow, that's my BPD guy right down to the last quote (though I did finally get him to stop using pictures that I took.) Dating sites are a huge issue in our relationship - he will never not have a dating profile, for exactly the reasons you give. His excuse of course is that he just gets bored and likes finding new people to chat with. Like there aren't a million other places on the Internet to do that without the dating component. He just needs to have some random woman always on the line. There's a cycle to it: he'll pull away from me, get more distant, talk about how we're "friends" but it's too bad we didn't work out as a couple, encourage me to get out and date other people, muse about open relationships and how they might work, and I'll know he has some promising fish on the line. He'll let me know he's going out on a date, and then the next day he'll be texting me telling me I'm the love of his life and he was an idiot for letting me go and that there's no one else in the world for him. That means the date didn't go well. I actually just met a guy on a dating site myself who seems pleasant, attractive, successful, fun, and who I have great chemistry with. We're going on a second date tomorrow. I'm cautiously optimistic but truly not sure if I should date anybody because I still have strong feelings for Mr. BPD. Of course BPD guy is freaking out about this and asking if we can get back together, saying that he'll delete all his profiles and try to make yet another go of it with me if only I'll stop seeing the new guy. If I was to do this, I know he'd have a new profile up before the end of the month. I said as much and asked if he could tell me how things would be any different from the last bajillion times we did this dance. He didn't have an answer for that. I'm convinced that he's an addict, and nothing will change until he gets treatment for his addiction. Even then, who knows. Literally while I was typing this, I got a text... . "Are you going to f*** him?" I answered, "I don't know, maybe eventually, but not tomorrow." Him: "I want you to myself but I can't ask for that if I don't have the actions to back it up." Me: "We can talk about this later. Not planning on jumping into bed with anyone but if I do it's not your business." Him: "OK, please let's talk tonight." So, my feelings are incredibly mixed up. I know exactly what road I'd be walking with Mr. BPD. I know it's a terrible idea. It's only a second date with New Guy, but we had a really good time on the first date. I feel like I'm not being fair to him by going out with him while I still have feelings for my ex, while ex still has feelings for me, and we're stuck in this cycle. I feel like the sensible thing to do is to reduce contact with the ex, enjoy dating men who DON'T have personality disorders, and just move on to whatever is next in life. I know that's sensible. I thought that meeting someone new could help me get out of the dance I do with the ex, but so far that isn't working. My heart still wants to try to accept whatever bargain my ex is going to offer on just the slim chance that maybe it will be different this time. I really truly like the new guy, the plans we have tomorrow are for something that sounds like fun, and yet if he were to cancel with me now I would be relieved, not disappointed, because then there would be no decision to make... . Title: Re: Dating but still hung up on the BPD ex Post by: Waddams on January 13, 2014, 01:59:45 PM Being with the wrong person will prevent you from getting with the right person.
If I was you, take a brief time out and give good thought to your own values and what you want in a partner and in a relationship. This is establishing your own boundaries. If it's marriage and monogomy forever, then it is what it is. If it's open relationships, that's what that is. Whatever your boundaries are, be honest with yourself about them. Then ask yourself if this dance with the BPD in your life is going to fit within your boundaries. If BPD fits, then okay. If BPD doesn't fit, then BPD is currently occupying space in your life that WILL NOT be occupied by someone that will fit as long as BPD is blocking off someone that will fit. And that holds true for anyone that isn't a fit for your boundaries and values, not just disordered people. I know right now it feels more complicated, the what if's feel endless... . that's a stage that most that have moved I think would look back on and identify as "bargaining" and "denial". And our BPD's have/had a way of escalating that for us. It's hard to get out of the FOG once they've got us in it. |