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So, I'm Day 6 I think of NC after the last (and what will be final) recycle.  I got to thinking about something that was very interesting to me from a psychological standpoint.

Why is it that if I'm working out, or have had a good work out, am with friends or family having a good time or even just feeling good about myself because I've lost some weight and I'm proud of myself for that hard work - why is it then that I feel a sense of elation that I finally figured out what was going on with my eBPDgf and am so RELIEVED that I am out of that situation... . vs... .

If I've eaten something that I shouldn't have and feel bloated, or I drink on the weekend one night or ANY TIME that I get some sort of bad news, be it at work or otherwise, do I instantly start to miss the eBPDgf? 

Could it be that in my mind I've associated pain and sadness and feeling down with thoughts of her because of the years of her ":)ebbie Downer" personality?  It's like "eat a pizza, start walking on eggshells".  I believe that I have associated things that are depressing or sad or bad with thoughts of her.  For example, this weekend I felt GREAT!  Worked out all weekend long (twice each day), met up with an old friend of mine (of the female persuasion) and we had a fun afternoon together yesterday.  Watched a funny movie with my son.  All weekend long, I was so relieved to of found the "secret" and can now understand why she did the things she did and how happy I am to be done with her!  But then today at work; first off, it's "work".  Secondly, my lunch diet was crap because I ate on the run.  I'm feeling down and pissed because I shouldn't of eaten what I did.  Work was b***** and NOW I'm missing the hell out of her by thinking of the little things she did do or our little this and thats.

Anybody else with something similar?  Do I need to go have myself committed too you think (kidding)?

It could be. Everyone is different.

I know when I feel a little sluggish, negative thoughts are prevalent.

I don't think it applies to everyone though. I'm in the best shape of my life. Totally shredded physically. I've been swimming like a lunatic and doing tons of push-ups and stuff for like 5 months and I was already in pretty good shape before that and I still feel pretty bummed out sometimes. I guess it just depends on the person.

Well you seem to be a good sport. I was considering a frontal lobotomy and cast ration at one point because of feelings like this. My counsellor said not to get too hasty.

Primary attachment.

Do a little reading on this. It might help to understand better than I could explain.

BTW... . Awesome that you made those connections. Awareness is the first step to improvement.

Funny BPD feedback about that though.

I saw one of my exes when I was hanging out with one of my old college buddies. She asked me to take my shirt off, so I did. Her eyes popped out of her head and she was like, "holy hit".

So then, a couple of weeks ago, I ran into my BPD ex. She was like, "I guess you've been working out." I just said that I'd been exercising. And she said, "Well, physical health is important." Totally didn't give a damn. Lol

I think you're on to something there, In_n_Out.  |iiii

What you seem to be saying makes sense to me. That positive events give you positive feelings, negative events give you negative feelings, and then the memories linked to those strong emotions can come back to the forefront of our consciousness. Part of the key may be that we are experiencing these events as positive or negative -- it's not just a matter of being in shape as santa is saying, it's probably the feelings that lead to the thoughts, memories, and multiplied good/bad feelings not necessarily just an external focus that society normally identifies as "good" or "bad".?

Since you've brought this up, my thoughts are that these thoughts and feelings in and of themselves are not necessarily bad for us. In fact, it is quite possibly vital that we experience these thoughts, emotions, and memories to learn self-soothing coping methods, distress tolerance, and emotional resilience. |iiii

It is awareness, isn't it?  It's like - hear a sad song and it reminds you of the ex.  Easy enough.  But now, anything "bad" or "harmful" for me reminds me of the ex.  Again, eat a pizza, miss the ex and I start walking on eggshells out of habit.  I some kind of Pavlovian experiement after this BPD relationship!  Eat a pizza and I feel that the ex has pushed the red glowing button signaling that she's upset.  I instantly feel that I need to go hug her and tell her that everything is ok and that I'm right here and not going to leave.  Pavlov's Dog, that's what it turned me in to.   

LOL

That's a pretty good analogy. You might be onto something.

If I am remembering correctly, being in a bad mood makes it easier for your brain to retrieve bad memories, like memories are linked in clusters, and of course memories have feelings associated with them.

Diet, healthy social relationships, and exercise are 3 aspects of the Therapeutic Lifestyle Change (The Depression Cure by Dr. Ilardi) which I recommend to everyone here. It looks at lifestyle changes as alternatives to medication. My stbexBPDgf makes it pretty hard to follow the regiment as strictly as I would like to though.

I agree and can absolutely vouch for it.  Over the weekend, my diet was good and I had some good workouts including a nice 3 mile run in the park.  I also spent time with a very pretty lady friend and lots of time with my son.  Didn't have an inkling of sadness or sorrow all weekend even though I was only day 4 or 5 and just a little over a week ago she was telling me the usuals that you've all heard: "you'll always be in my heart.  I will always love you.  BUT it was you that doesn't know how to talk and WHY didn't you tell me all of this stuff long ago, I've wanted to hear this for such a long time".

Well my cure is to get to the gym.  In fact, about to get ready for it now.  That'll snap me out of this funk.

INO... It definitely helps to be physically active. I know it has helped me. Healthy body, healthy mind. This is great for depression. How many years were you with her?

Running does it for me... . good 8 mile run will clear the mind.

Almost 4 years.  I was a competitive bodybuilder when I met her.  She didn't like the gym and I couldn't be away from her long enough for a workout so I completely stopped working out, ate lots of crap and gained 60lbs of fat.  Oh sure, she'd say "I want to go back to the gym, you were happy there" and then when I did, she would show up in her street clothes.  I'd be doing a set and look up to find her just staring at me.  I'd kiss her and ask her if she was going to put on some workout clothes and do the treadmill or something.  "Nope".  She has eating disorders (go figure) and so can get as thin as a rail without working out at all.  She isolated me completely; no gym, no other friends, I don't speak to my family.  I won't say all of this is because of her but it was just so much "calmer" when it was me and her.  She was jealous of my kids.  Even admitted it.  Couldn't stand that they took time away from us.  More fights happened when I had my boys over for my bi-weekly visits.  Man, those were the worst. 

Any how, mini rant.  Just got home from the gym but feeling down.  Weird thing is, I actually was thinking of my ex-ex tonight while working out.  We used to workout in the gym together (or at the same time) all the time.  Sh1t, maybe I have BPD and can't be alone without somebody for any length of time.  I seriously should look in to some therapy.

Hi in and out, I feel that way too  if something goes wrong for me  bad day at work, hearing bad news even physical pain, I burned myself, stubbed my toe, I went to the movies the other day with my nephews, the sound was so loud, as soon as it started I felt fear?, I was on the verge of tears? I had to excuse myself and cower in the bathroom for a while... .

I feel like a defective toy somehow... .

Whats going on? 

Therapy can help too. Some things to consider. Your emotional/mental health. Understanding grieving and detachment. It has helped me to learn about the process. What to expect and what is healthy verses not healthy. Getting stuck in any part isn't healthy. Therapy can help you from getting stuck. The obsessive thinking like you describe comes standard with depression. Have you done an evaluation?

Hey In_n_Out, therapy is great for self-discovery. Sometimes we can use an experienced guide to help us find ourselves. And else better to invest in than yourself, right?

Also, you had the weird experience of a BPD relationship and experienced the extreme push/pull that comes with that. Drama, heightened emotions, emotional and physical abuse can lead to strong bonding -- just google "trauma bonds" or "traumatic bonding" to read more about it. Now that you've broken up with her, it's natural to feel lonely. Plenty of people feel lonely after breaking up with somebody they've been with for 4 years. many members here end up wondering if they are the ones with BPD. Which other of the 9 diagnostic criteria do you feel you have?

Keep posting and figuring it out, it can help you to find yourself again as well as keep you grounded by expressing your feelings. 

Good question because yes, I'm reading all of this and trying to find out more and I'm starting to question my sanity.  At the least, I know that I was/am a co-dependant.  Ok, let me evaluate as honestly as I can:

* Intense fears of abandonment

No, I don't think so.  I'm actually an introvert and prefer nice, quiet alone time.  I will admit that I'm feeling very lonely at the moment, but that would have to be attributed to having just coming out of a 4 yr relationship where I was used to being able to (try) and share everything with my SO.

* A pattern of unstable relationships

I'd have to say no again.  Married for 10 years (she left me for the church and the pastor and no love lost there.  She is the mother of my boys though).  Dated a bit and then had a 3 yr relationship.  That one went south because I kept pushing her away.  The fight for the kids was a mess and I was a mess and I didn't know what I wanted... . another relationship after getting out of one?.  Then dated several women, some more than a few times but didn't met "the one" and then had this 4 yr relationship that was just an acid trip gone bad. 

* Unstable self-image

No.  Coming from bodybuilding, I was borderline (oh THAT word!) cocky but always tried to keep that in check.  I'd say if anything, my self-esteem has taken a huge hit but I don't "hate" myself.

* Impulsive and self-destructive behaviors

No, not at all.

* Suicidal behavior or self-injury

Again, no.

* Wide mood swings

I assume that it should read "wild".  Only when I'm juicing on 'roids (kidding!).

* Chronic feelings of emptiness

This could be a check.  I do feel that I've let myself down at times.

* Inappropriate anger

No, I'm actually the most calm and collected person you could meet.  It takes a LOT for me to lose my temper and when I do, I'm a "pouter".  I was a former cop and I learned quickly to be calm and de-escalate situations and that is protrayed in my demeanor.  That actually used to piss off my eBPDgf; "and when you're bothered, your so calm it's 'frightening'".  (Blaming me for staying calm).

* Periods of paranoia and loss of contact with reality

Where am I?  :)  No, nobody out to get me but I do daydream a lot.

Did I pass?  I think that I did.  Thanks for the reality check.