BPDFamily.com

Hi!

I am in the process of trying to separate from my uBPDh after finding out on December 6th that he had been cheating.  Originally after finding out, I began packing and told him I was moving back to my empty house 2 hours away in another state.  Under the advice of my parents, I went to see a lawyer, who told me I could not leave until I had a separation agreement.  Apparently if I left, it would be an abandonment issue and I would risk not getting any support.  So here I sit... . no job because I quit it thinking I was moving home... . feeling in limbo and needing to get home to find a job.  I finally was able to get a basic separation agreement written up by the lawyer and my husband finally got his own lawyer two days ago.  He is not signing the separation agreement and says his lawyer will call mine.  Is there any way to make this go faster?  Should I just file for divorce, would that be easier?  We've only been married 2 1/2 years, no kids, no house, no debt... . easy right?  All I'm asking for is support for 12 months or a good job, health benefits for a year, and 1/2 of his 401k savings over the last 2 1/2 years which might be $4,000... . i didn't even know this was possible the lawyer added that one.  What I really want more than anything is to get the heck away from him!  Tonight he told me he's been thinking about how and where he would kill himself because it doesn't matter anymore.  How do I get out of here the fastest way possible? Suggestions?

Thanks for your help!

First, threats of suicide or even contemplating suicide is a serious matter.  Maybe it's something (he really affected), maybe it's nothing (attempt to control), but the point is you're not qualified to evaluate which it really is.  However, if you call 911 or take some similar action, he is likely to deny ever saying it.  So if you do it, try to have some documentation of it so that you can defend yourself if he overreacts when denying it.

So please inform your lawyer.  Perhaps your lawyer will tell you (or his his lawyer) to encourage him to seek counseling, I don't know.  You probably should call for emergency responders if he does it again.  But whatever happens be prepared for denials or minimizing at the least.  In my case, I quietly recorded my ex when she exhibited poor behaviors such as ranting, raging, slamming doors, moaning, groaning, etc.  Mostly it was never used but it was my version of a personal protection insurance policy to prove I was telling the truth and I wasn't the one misbehaving in case it did become a huge issue.

What you should ask for and what you will get are two different things.  So yes, do ask for the maximum possible but also make sure it is known you're open to a reasonable and prompt settlement.  You don't want it to drag out too long, so you may have to make some concessions but be very aware that pwBPD typically don't abide by agreements.  They see reasonableness as weakness.  So if you make any deals or settlements make sure they have Real Teeth in them to specify Consequences for failures, obstructions or delays and to Enforce Compliance.

Will the company rehire you?

First, I'm sorry your going through all this.  I know it's all very hard.

Next, divorcing a pwBPD can turn into a very hard, long, drawn out process and cost many thousands of $$$$$.   In way, you're lucky that there's only 2 1/2 years of marriage and not much build up of marital assets to untangle.  In other words, there really isn't much to fight over.

FD's suggestion to see if you can restart employment is a good one if you can't move yet.

Next - in some jurisdictions filing for divorce is a de facto date of separation.  It was in my case.  If you file for D, and it works as separation as well, then you should be able to move.  What are your job prospects once you move?  Could you find employment with bennies quickly?

Asking for the $4000 of his 401k is something you can go for, but my thought is what is it going to cost in legal fees to get it?  What is it going to cost in legal fees to get a court order for 12 months of temporary support as well?  pwBPD make everything about divorce expensive.  Your STBX is already obstructing the process.  How much of that $4000 and support money will you net after you pay your lawyer for all this?  Is it worth it?  Some L's also tend to work in ways that exaggerate conflict so they can run up their legal bills.  Be careful you don't get stuck like that from your L. 

At the worst, if you file for D and it counts as legal separation when you file, you move, find your own job and develop your own support, and walk from everything else, how much are you out?  $4000 from the 401k?  You can move and take your personal property with you (have friends/family there, a pwBPD therer during a move out can get VERY messy).  Take a look at what you would loose if you just walked vs. legal fees/timeline/emotional toll of fighting for more in division of assets.

So, the fastest way out may really be to abandon and leave, and if it won't cost you much, then maybe it's not worth the legal fees and headaches to go the other route.

As for his suicide threats, record them, call 911 next time it happens, and ask the authorities to cart him off for a mandatory 72 hr observation in a psyche ward.  Each state has a process for involuntary commitment if someone appears to be a threat to themselves or others.   Research it in your state and you can figure out a way to do it.  Then, when he's gone, that'd be a great time to move!

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know the anger and confusion when your spouse cheats on you. I know the desire to get away from it as fast as possible. I did divorce my ex after I found out he was cheating as well. From my experience, the advice I would give you is to find a counselor ASAP to help you work through the trauma of the finding out. Doesn't mean you have to stay in the marriage or work on it, just someone to help you make rational instead of emotional decisions. Second, would be to understand that it is a legal process to work through and pushing it or trying to make things move faster will cause you more stress in the long run. I know it sounds impossible to do right now, but try to focus on the things you can control (a job) versus what you can't control (him signing).

When I first came to these boards at the same place you are, I would get frustrated by such advice. But now, 2 years later, I see the value in it and realize how much easier the divorce process could have been for me if I had been able to detach and focus on myself more.

Most states are No Fault states or some lesser level of Fault.  What that means is that the courts are neutral or nearly so when it comes to who triggered the marriage's implosion.  You may be justifiably outraged and righteously indignant but for the professionals it's officially just another day at work.  That's why we encourage members to separate the emotional shock and devastation (counseling, family, trusted friends and peer support) from the business of ending a relationship (court).  It's okay and even necessary to feel and process it all, but you won't find Closure either from your ex or from the courts.  Closure is something you Find and Gift yourself.  So try to be objective, try to have perspective.

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I didn't have proof he made the suicide threat last night, and that's exactly why I didn't call 911.  I recorded earlier parts of our conversation but because it was so lengthy I missed recording the suicide threat part.  I did however put a child safety lock on his 1 and only shot gun today.  He hopefully won't even notice and I'll take it off before I leave.  

I can not get my job back... . but my parents said they will help me for the time being with finances... . I just hate having them do it... . pride.  

I have also been going to Al-anon because he abuses alcohol and I have a therapist ready to go once I get back home.  I am working through the grieving process at the moment and realize he wasn't the man I thought he was and I know that he isn't a healthy person for me to be with.  I tell him that our relationship isn't healthy or functional.  He seems to be in the I hate you/don't leave me stage.  I also know that he is still seeing other women.  I'm hoping that he will attach quickly to someone else as soon as I'm out the door and save me from having to hear from him again in the future.  

I have yet to hear back from my lawyer.  I would love to get a simple agreement that will get me out the door and on to a good place.  I guess I am just waiting to see what kind of counter offer his lawyer will come up with.  So far, I have heard nothing and calling them is money I don't want to waste.  I also have no desire to fight for part of his 401k, this was something the lawyer suggested.  If I have to file for divorce to get out of here, then perhaps that will be in my best interest in the long run.  

Thank you!

Oh, I recently heard of another trick of the trade in these situations.  The dastardly... . VACATION!

I found recently that some jurisdictions don't recognize abandonment until a certain amount of time has gone by.  Sometimes people leave and claim they are on vacation.  Then they get a deal done pronto so they don't have to go back.  The obvious catch is if a deal isn't worked out by the time the vacation time is over, you have to go back.  I know of one jurisdiction that had a defined max vacation duration of 60 days.  You could ask your L if there are any such shenanigans possible if you really need to bug out now for either safety or if say, you landed that perfect job offer back home but had to start immediately.

I love it V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N!  I'm sorry, I don't want to be with you anymore, I want a vacation! 

Great explanation! Thank you!

Based on the particulars of what you said, it may be simpler to move and file for divorce.  Especially since every state in the US has some form of no fault, it may be simpler to spend the money and leave.  Also, since you don't have significant assets within the marriage, nor significant time, it'll be a lot simpler to pack up and move.  While you may be legally entitled, there's a real risk of lawyer fees actually costing you more than you'd end up winning.  Be smart about it.