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Title: Welcome to the dark side... Post by: Foreverhopefull on January 16, 2014, 07:13:19 AM My husband has a very strong attachment to my grand-father (he feels like my grandpa is the father figure he never had since his dad passed away when he was 5 and grandpa is actually a few years younger than he dad would have been now). Monday we had to bring him to the hospital for severe pneumonia, since then we have gone for a visit every day. Thing is since Monday, I've been expecting the ball to drop.
Why? Here are a few reason: 1) The hospital grand-pa is in is the same hospital my husband had to go to with his mom to identify his father and later on, confirm the identity of his mother when she passed away... . he was 17 when she passed away. 2) Grandpa is usually a very strong man, right now he is very weak, requiring our help to feed and hydrate him. Grandpa is a very proud man and usually only asks me or mom to help him with anything. Now he's letting my husband give him water, etc. 3) Last night, they brought in grand-pa's room a new patient that looked exactly like my mother in law before she passed away Reason #3 was the last drop in what he could take. He went full dark in seconds. I have a trip this weekend that I can't really (or want) to cancel, I got the full on guilt trip / abandoning everyone that loves me speech, he was soo angry that even the dust wasn't settling the right way. I tried explaining to him that my family has tons of commitments this Saturday, we have a funeral, a soccer tournament (my niece was hand picked for the tournament) and now we have my grandpa at the hospital. (we all live close to each other and my grandpa lives with my sister and parents... . we are the only ones that take care of him and actually visit him). That my parents will attend the funeral ( about an hour away from home), my sister and I will be about 2hrs away for the soccer tournament and we agreed to that because grandpa told us to do so, that he was in a safe place and it will give the chance to others to visit him... . and he can rest too. My husband would not hear any of it. We are going back today (he promised grandpa he would be there and he always keeps his promises) I haven`t seen him like this in a very long time. Title: Re: Welcome to the dark side... Post by: ColdEthyl on January 16, 2014, 12:11:27 PM Hello, I'm new here and I am about to be in a similar boat with my husband, and I was wondering if you could give me a preview of what's to come.
My husband's father just went into a nursing home. He used to work with his father with the family business (roofing), and watching him go from this strong, independent man to what's going on today has taken a toll on him. He's come home crying, talking about how he's going to end up the same (his dad's mind and body are going) and I just know when his dad passes... . it's going to get ugly. Title: Re: Welcome to the dark side... Post by: Foreverhopefull on January 16, 2014, 02:17:21 PM I give him the space and time to try and make sense of the overload of emotions, while staying available if he needs me. I try to avoid reacting to his words or gestures (that's a guarantied war if I do), while keeping an eye on any signs of danger for him or myself.
It's a hard balance. I'm still not 100% good at it yet. As for an idea of what's to come? It's difficult, we can never tell what the trigger will be (other than the repeat offenders... . like anything about his mother) The only thing we can do is keep an eye on things to ensure availability if needed while making sure everyone is safe. We have to let them make sense of the emotions before we can "help". Title: Re: Welcome to the dark side... Post by: an0ught on January 17, 2014, 01:55:16 PM Hi Foreverhopefull,
loosing a parent is a terrible experience. PwBPD can form very strong attachments and detaching takes time and is painful. And it is an experience that most of us will have to go through at one point in time. You can do nothing to spare him that. It is a big loss. And you will be tempted to invalidate him as watching him being sad is also painful for you - be careful how exactly you support him. When validating there is only so much you can to - it takes time - respect his grief. It may also be useful to review the LESSONS on the LEAVING(!) board for yourself in order to get a basic understanding of the detachment process that he has to go through. Don't worry about triggers, worry about invalidation as that accrues interest. And yes, he is close to dysregulation all the time so he will trigger now and then. You can't avoid it, don't go back to egg-shell mode. The last person he needs is a fearful Foreverhopefull. |