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Good Morning!

     I want to get some outside opinions on a situation I went through recently.  Last night and this morning my dBPDw has been acting very quiet and withdrawn, and whenever I tried to engage in any sort of conversation or small talk, or asked her questions about her day, she gave very short, polite answers.  Other than that she didnt' talk to me much at all.  After a few attempts on my part to sit and chat for a bit, I just went on with whatever I was doing.

     Normally, the moment I walk in the door home from work, she talks and talks about her day, things she did, things she thought about, etc.

     My problem with this situation is that I feel it's a trap.  Plain and simple, a trap laid out specifically to get me to come and ask her "What's bothering you, honey?" or "It seems like you're feeling a little down today?  Would you like to talk about it?"  If she was someone without BPD, this is what I might do.  But, now that I've been taking care of myself a bit more and trying to avoid or better handle yucky situations, I decided NOT to ask her what's up.  I simply went about my business again.

     She didn't ask me for help, she didn't say she needed to talk to me, she didn't ask to talk to me.  The codependent part of me really wants to know what's bothering her so I can fix it or help her with it, but I've decided that I won't do that anymore.  I will wait for someone to ask specifically for my help before I offer it.

     Has anyone else run into something similar?  I feel like I'm being presented with a no-win situation.  If I engage her while she's playing quiet, I'm afraid she'll use that opportunity to spring her trap and lay out a truck full of accusations and blame onto me.  On the other hand, if I don't engage her and wait for her to speak to me about what's bothering her, I'm afraid that she'll use the fact that I "didn't notice" how she was feeling to lay out a truck full of shame and guilt onto me.

Feel free to share any similar situations and or feelings you may have had.

Thanks!

I’ve had this one multiple times over the past year.  My uBPDw will act quiet or reserved and then expect me to coax out of her whatever the problem is.  Once recently, she said she was having a very rough day, to which I responded very supportingly, only to have her fly into a dysregulation later because I did not probe with questions to find out exactly what particular issue she was upset about. 

My previous policy was just to ignore the simmering issue until it bubbled to the surface, but I’ve changed that so that she can’t accuse me of abandoning her by not asking probing questions.  My new strategy is that once I’m sure she’s stewing about something, I come right out and say “you seem upset lately, did something happen, or is there something you would like to talk about?”  Then, I give her a chance to vent, and if it turns abusive, I walk away and take a timeout.

Please keep us posted on how your situation works out!

Hi rubyhammer,

of course you are right - there is a lot of "testing" and game playing done. But then it is also true that not everything is about us (even if our co-dependent self tells us so).

You reached out to her and she did not engage with you. So is this really testing?

You could validate the she is

- quiet

- looks worried

- different

and just leave it at that. That way she is not forced to engage with you when she feels not ready to do so and at the same time can not tell you that you ignored her.

Mh BPDh has told me in good times that I should just leave him alone and act normal when he  like this. He has told me that something is usually churning in his mind, but me asking is not good. Actually, if I do, I am usually met with a battle.

It is so exhausting some times trying to avoid these booby-traps.  My dBPDw does the exact same thing.

Last night I was buzzing around the house doing some things and my wife was watching TV.  She commented how sexy a woman on the show was that she was watching.  The bait was in the trap!

I could either A) Agree that the woman was sexy and face my wife accusing me of being more attracted to the actress than her, or B) Disagree or ignore the comment and be accused of being repressed and having problems with my sexuality.

Well I chose B and sure enough, a 45 minute argument occured about how I need to talk with a sex therapist about being more open sexually. 

You just can't win sometimes.  The game is rigged not in our favor.