BPDFamily.com

Hi all, I have recently came across these three issues.

First:  My dBPDgf recently had a dream where I cheated on her with one or our mutual friends.  He is a friend and that is all.  But she has serious jealousy issues and gets mad if he text me before her.  So anyways she had this dream a couple of nights ago.  She told me about it that morning stating that she woke up pissed and wanted to hurt me because I had cheated.  I just said I'm sorry you had a bad dream but I am right here and love you very much.  A few days pass and she is still bringing it up and saying how mad she was and how she was beating me up in her dream ect. 

Second:  Two days ago I had a bought of Vertigo while I was at work.  I've never had this before.  I finally get to feeling better and drove myself home.  Well she of course wanted to have sex that night and I didn't feel like it at all.  I went to the DR and found out I have an ear infection in both ears and a sinus infection on top of it.  I told her I wasn't feeling great and was very tired and of course she wanted to have sex that night as well.  It's like she picks times she knows I am feeling bad and will try to assure her I want to but don't feel like it. 

Third:  Yesterday when I got home from work she read me the riot act of why we have no money.  I offered up solutions to the problem and she rejected my ideas.  I pay for 85% of the bills in our household.  She wastes her money on breakfast and lunch while she’s at work.  And she always wants to eat out.  Or if we eat at home heaven forbid we eat on a budget. If its not that she is buying things that we don't need.  I try to buy things on sale and bargain shop when I can.  I’m just so confused lately.

I just need some guidance.  I feel like we are going in circles and not really accomplishing anything at all.  She is always mad or upset about something. 

I have had the same issues with my dBPDw, the dream stuff has not been used against me lately, but if she has a bad dream involving me I still feel the impact.

If you do not want to have sex with her, then she takes this as rejection. You must not be attracted to her, mad at her etc. Sex to her is a failed way to cope with negative feelings.

Money makes her feel good, she must feel good at any cost. You should be proud to be with her, you will show this by giving her whatever she thinks she needs no matter what it takes. For her the money is again a failed coping response.

The reality is BPD's are very selfish and childlike emotionally. Not that they mean to be, its just all they know. When they feel bad, all they want is to feel better at any expense. In my experience in times of better regulation she can look back on her distorted thought processes and see them for just that. But in unregulated times she will refuse to accept any rational explanation.

I don't have any advice, only commiseration. My uBPDw often gets mad at me for what she thinks I'm going to say, whether I actually say it or not. On the plus side, when she's in this frame of mind, I don't have to participate in the arguments... . she can argue what she thinks is my side for me. I can just sit there and zone out (or at least try to). She can go on for quite a while, arguing both sides, telling me what I think and what I was going to say, while I watch and listen quietly. Eventually she runs out of steam, and I find an excuse to walk away. Sometimes that even works.

She's also done the thing where she's had a dream in which I did something that upset her, even though I haven't and wouldn't do it in real life, and woken up mad at me and stayed that way for hours or days. This doesn't happen too often, but there's nothing to be done about it but ride it out. Even though she knows intellectually that the thing didn't happen, she feels the wound as if it did, because she lacks the ability to reflect upon and understand her own feelings. It's as if her feeling something makes it real, whether it's actually true or not. And since it feels real to her, she reacts to it as strongly as if it were true.

That won't help you solve your problem, but at least you know you're not the only one who lives through it.

This is strange. I'm on these boards because of my diagnosed daughter (age 20), but this is the second time I've read something that sounds exactly like my husband.

There have been three times he had dreams that I did something to upset him, and he was angry with me the next day even though I didn't do anything, and he knows it!

He also has dreams where he gets into physical altercations with people (not me), and has a few times started flailing around and throwing punches. He hit me once. He was extremely remorseful, but I usually don't sleep in the same bed with him anymore.

Somewhat a bit different... . I have been blamed and accused of "having sex dreams", because I mumbled/groaned in my sleep.  I've awaken in the morning with no recollection of even having any dream.   I have also been blamed for "keeping him up" for mubbling/talking in my sleep.  It is amazing to me that I can be accussed and blamed for something I'm not able to control.