BPDFamily.com

2 years ago when I was still in the FOG and thought my husband is madly in love with me (please don't laugh at me) but I was confused if I wanted to stay or not, my ex told me I will never ever able to find a woman like you. I thought how romantic was that and he must be in love with me and I must be so stupid if I lose this man!


I do understand now what he meant was he's not able to find somebody idiot and naive like me to USE and believe his lies and put up with his craps!

Such an idiot I was!

You are/weren't an idiot.  My ex told me all the time how I was the only real man she had ever met, how I was perfect for her, how she never thought someone like me could exist, blah, blah, blah, ... . blah.  I believed all of it because it was wonderful to hear.  Who wouldn't want to hear that?

I also believed it because she truly believed at the moment she was saying it.  I think a lot of what they say, they truly believe, which is what makes them such effective liars.  At one point, the idealization phase, you're husband was madly in love with you.  Then he wasn't.

My ex was also madly in love with me.  Now she isn't.  I'm the same person, she isn't.  She is now whoever she believes that her new husband wants most.  She will become someone else after that.

Yea, guess we were all "idiot's".  Well, I kinda feel better that I'm with the best bunch of former "idiots" there are  :)

Mr. Fox is right though, at one point your x was madly in love with you, just like all of our's were.   

Yes.  that is a good summary,  and the same for me as well,  two short years ago.  we are the same people,  just with new wounds.  we can't expect stability with people who at their vote don't really know who they are.

I don't think of myself as an idiot... . or that I was an idiot for staying with that person. It seemed worthwhile at the time. I think trying to stay with them now after realizing that the relationship was hopeless and that the person is mentally ill and incurable would make me an idiot.

We didn't know what we were dealing with when we got involved with that person. It was an emotional tornado and we got sucked into it. Being away from them now is the first chance we've had to reflect on the situation with a sound mind. Now that we know what happened, we understand. While we were still in it, there was no way we could look at it objectively.

Everyone gets duped sometimes. These BPDs are extremely devious. If we were as devious as them, we wouldn't have fallen for it. I'd rather be how I am than like her though. It was an honest mistake and I acted in good faith, so I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

My ex said stuff like that to me all the time and I ate it right up! It felt so good to be told that I was wonderful and unique and gorgeous. She said these things spontaneously and often.

In hindsight, I'm aware that I craved this kind of validation and it clearly filled some need in me. I'm exploring this as I move forward.

It definitely kept me hooked to the relationship, though. She used to say that we fit like 'puzzle pieces' and we were 'made for one another'.

I'm holding out hope that there's another 'puzzle piece' in the universe for me

ditto - I loved that validation myself.

We were not idiots, we did the best we could with the info we had.  Both parties had emotional gaps and for a while they were fulfilled for each.  Unbeknownst to us, we may have gaps but they had a grand canyon - oh well... . we did the best we could with what we knew at the time.

Be kind to you Pearl - if you are not, who will be?

To be honest, that idealization of me felt weird and made me uncomfortable. Maybe I sensed the lack of truth behind it. I think I have this knack for seeing the truth in people, even if sometimes, like with my X, I deny it. Hyperempathy, perhaps... .  

Or, it could be my uncomfortableness in taking compliments. Probably a combination of the two.

well, if it wasn't the idealization that hooked you - what was it?  Lonely child?  We all had a hook or we would not have stayed - finding this in us is the key to true letting go and happiness.  However, this is off topic so feel free to start a new thread about what hooked you - maybe in PI?

That and idealization of having the nuclear family I never had (which was hers to, to an extent, Obligation to her culture). I am hyper aware of the "why" now. Maybe I will start that in PI... .

Pearl,

  I get the humor in what you are saying but yeah, not an idiot.

Mine, after the last recycle emailed me and said, I don't know what it is about you but I never felt this way before and don't want to lose you from my life.

A month later she left me for an ex.

Comes back crying "I am not finished with you yet".

In other words, she hadn't completely shredded my heart to bits.

Game over.

I agree, I was kind of uncomfortable with the idealization phase, I remember him telling me when we first started dating how much he missed me after one day of not seeing me and I said in a nice way of course, "really you just saw me yesterday?" We had just started dating and of course we adore each other in the new relationship but in hindsight, it was different with him. I literally remember him saying that he liked everything about me, early on. Then of course at the end of the relationship, I told him I felt like he didn't like anything I did and he agreed with that one.  

Also the idealization thing was weird because, I've been single for a long time and I have my own insecurities so I will doubt if people are telling me the truth, or might not take compliments so well because I don't totally believe it myself, especially in a new relationship. I'd been single for a long time, so all my insecurities come back, feeling almost strange being in a relationship, wondering if your doubting the relationship early on (when things are still okay) because your just scared or it's something else. Which just shows I need to work on my own self esteem, which I go back in forth with getting better with it and this relationship did not help it. I involved myself with someone, who has worse self esteem than me and I saw it loud and clear!

So, maybe it was a little of the lonely child thing, feeling we were two people who might not always fit in but we fit together... . However, I was a person who hadn't been in a relationship in many years, but I was willing to do the hard work and I took definite steps to "grow up" and be in an adult relationship! I feel like he liked to use my inexperience against me but in the end, he was someone who couldn't commit to a serious relationship and he kept me going in circles so that I wouldn't see that... . but of course I do now!

I think this is the best summary I've read of what I believed happened to me. Just have not been able to put it so succinctly. Well said Santa.

No ones laughing at ya pearl, Im sure most if not all of us have heard similar statements...

How bout these... .

" you are the love of my life, Ill never love anyone again" um hes told heaps of girls he loves them

" I want to marry you, you deserve the moon and stars"  um he sold the ring for weed... .

" I will love and protect you forever babe" um he tried to strangle me within 3 mnths... .

It sux feeling foolish pearl, ive been there too, but there will come a time when you see this as a lesson.You wont make the same mistakes again

Can you say the same about him?

I think not.

Thanks Santa.  That's how I feel it was with my situation too.  I was doing the best with what I had, which was a whole lotta crazy!   

in one of the articles on this site it says something that really made sense to me, and that is that sometimes pwBPD say things to you, not just because they believe it (which they truly may or may not), but also because this is exactly what they want to hear from you. so:

"I can never ever find a woman like you!" could mean he wants to hear you say "I can never ever find a man like you!"

"you're the best lover ever!" means they want you to tell them that they're the best lover ever

etc. etc. i don't think this applies all the time, but i remember my ex telling me "i think your The One" ... . i think she meant it, but also she wanted to hear it back...

Goldylamont

Whatever you say makes sense but couple of weeks before I moved out he said to me " you will be earning huge amount of money later and how lucky your future man will be!

I'm studying one of the top professions in the uk! Such a waste of years with that man and I put up with his craziness!

MADLY in love with you is right,

CRAZY in love with you, ha

MENTALLY DISORDERED in love with you, errr

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDERED in love with you, *help*

PURE HATRED in love with you, what the heck

Nothing at all, you don't exist. Not in love with you

Restart

Brilliant! Psycho users!

You need to work on you validation skills, obviously. And of course, yes, it's your/our fault. Such a bad communicator! 

Yeah, I've heard that a few times in the early years - now that's been replaced with

"I'm the only woman that would ever put up with you"

or

"You are completely unlovable"

or

"You'll just wind up alone because no other woman would ever deal with your crap"

Ah, the joys... .

Yes obibens

I heard exactly these estatements so many times in our entire relationship. He only said to charm me back and what he meant was something else!

It's funny even their words are the same!