BPDFamily.com

Hello to all, 

Having hell of day.    Every time I get visitation with daughter BP deliberately starts I'm with chaos and conflict.    Uses daughter like toy!   

I'm learning lots here about so much but using my kid... . geez, it inhuman!   

Once you are completely removed from your relationship with a pwBPD the children become the only weapon left. Since a pwBPD has a pretty screwed up view of their children to begin with they pretty much have no problem using them as a mallet to beat the other parent over the head with. The best thing you can do is stay always focused on the needs of your child and not the drama the other parent creates. This will at least show your kid what a good parent does. Someday your daughter will recognize that you did that for her.

Thanks for your words... .

I do understand this now, after reading so much on this group. Doesn't make it easier, but at least I understand.   Heartbreaking for my child... .

Let's see if we can help you with this -- there's lots of collective wisdom here, and many of us are dealing with similar issues. What kinds of things happen during your exchanges that make things difficult for you and your daughter? How do you respond? How does your daughter respond?

Three or four years ago when DH got 50/50 custody of SS19, he would arrive at our house, stand inside the door and literally shake as he spewed out many of the things his UBPD mom had shared with him (things he was supposed to pass along.) I think his mom spent the 25 minute drive from her house to ours lecturing SS19 on how bad DH and I were, with the intent of causing chaos. I should say that SS19 has special needs and is easily manipulated by his mom. But he is also quite good with logic and reasoning. 

So here are some things that worked to help SS19 deal with the crazymaking:

* DH would set aside time when SS19 first arrived to listen - just the two of them. Within 10 or 15 minutes SS19 would calm down talking out all the things he'd heard. DH would ask questions and often that helped SS19 get to a better place. An example: SS19 would say "you are bad because you force me to go to school." DH would ask ":)o you want to go to school?" Yes. ":)o you like what you're doing in school." Yes. And eventually SS19 would say he was glad his Dad had got him back in school (his mom had pulled him out.)

* DH's ex suggested a change of transition day so she didn't have to drive to our home, so SS19 came from school directly to our home. This made a HUGE difference - much less chaos. We would eventually hear some of the things his mom had said during his week with her, but it never seemed to have as much impact on SS19 as the lecture his mom used to give him in the car.

* DH tried to give SS19 facts and let him come to his own conclusions. This wasn't easy for a special needs kid who has cognitive issues. Or for a dad who saw how all the lies were hurting SS19. But DH told SS19 if he wanted to be more independent (which SS19 begged for all the time) he needed to think through and land on how he viewed things on his own. He now says "mom thinks I'm a kid" and he understand that we have pushed for his independent thinking. This has paid off big time.

SS19 is now off at a small college in a nearby town, living with some support but fairly independent. He LOVES it. He is still manipulated by his mom but has learned he should just not call her if he doesn't want to get caught up in her chaos.

My suggestion to you is to try to think in terms of the big picture (what are your goals with your daughter, what do you want to teach her) and keep slogging through this other stuff. Looking bad, those days of crazymaking and chaos were so draining, but we can see that helping SS19 deal with it in a positive way has helped him a lot.