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I’ve read on lots of other threads the mention of our X’s refusing to return personal property.  My story:

During the many recycles in our relationship my exBPDbf ALWAYS refused to return my personal property.  ALWAYS.  Is it a control issue?  Is it leaving the door open?  Whatevah.  All I know is that I got plenty sick and tired of it.  I mean the guy is bald and refused to return my hairspray?  The guy is twice my size and he wants to hold onto my bathrobe?  What the heck?

The last incident involved a rather expensive piece of medical equipment I let him borrow for his seriously ill mother.  Actually it belonged to my family and they were requesting it back.  He sent me a text saying he would return my stuff when he felt like.  I waited about six weeks and he continued to ignore my request.  So, I filed a small claim against him.  After being served the sumons he returned my stuff.  However, I also sought court fees, so technically the case is still open.  I intend to show up on the day of the hearing (He won’t.  He figures he’s off the hook cuz he returned my stuff).  I will tell the magistrate that I recovered my items, but I still seek relief for the court fees.  I will win and my X will be ordered to pay me back the insignificant amount of money this claim cost me to file.

So here’s the thing……a friend asked me, “why not just let it go at this point?”  My answer was, “Because he’s done this to me many times before.  Because if I do, he’ll think he can do this any time he wants with no consequences.  Because he’s probably thinking, what a stupid b*&*h.  I just inconvenienced her and the added bonus is that she had to spend some cash”.  I guess I’m trying to teach him a lesson regarding the “rules of society”?  A rule he was never taught as a young boy?  IDK, but I’d appreciate some feedback?  Am I going through some kind of “momy” syndrome now or do you guys think I’m justified?

Ya know, you just couldn't make this up!

Comedy genius's past & present couldn't even come up with the odd little nuggets we get on this site!

Hi Breslin,

I think I would just let it go as is and skip trying to teach him.  My BPDex never understood the consequences of her actions.  Just one example, she missed a court ordered class multiple times and was kicked out and had to go to court.  She was worried she would end up in jail but lucky for her, she wasn't.  She got readmitted to the class but missed more classes and had to go back to court.  Completely forgetting the consequences and having to go through the process again.  I don't think it will teach him anything that he won't forget in minutes.  It's a pattern.

Just my two cents.

  I never bothered with getting my stuff back, it was just personal items that can easily be replaced. I your case lillmiss I agree with you get that ___ back. It your life no one else has to live in your shoes. If it made you feel better a all I say GOOD FOR YOU.  My xdBPDgf seem to have a collection of items from ex's. It there way of holding on.(ive read and believe) I remodeled her condo (at her parents expense) and when my x was moving her stuff back in she would get to certain items and break down in tears. I would give her a hug and ask what's wrong. I wouldnt get an answer and she would through the item away ,stuff she has had for years.

I sit back and smile cause I know every time she is in her condo im a constant reminder everywhere she looks, every time she flips a switch. Thats has to suck for her. And I hope it does. Dont get me wrong I want her to be happy , I also so want her to feel something for what has occurred. ... . ill take any sort of smiles these days... .

'the guy is bald and refused to return my hairspray'

LOL lilmiss you made me choke a bit with that

Wonder if he uses it on his chest hair?

No ex also has a small hoard of my stuff... . bloody weird... . I asked for my cashmere cardi back at least 15 times. While having his affair he tried to charge me E20 postage for it. One has to laugh

'I know every time she is in her condo im a constant reminder everywhere she looks, every time she flips a switch. Thats has to suck for her. And I hope it does. '

This is the weird thing eh. The last thing I want is reminders of painful breakups everywhere. Why on earth do they surround themselves with memories of their dreadful 'abusers'?

Great point, and why is that I wonder?

Another great point and again, can anyone help us understand this one?

Sorry about your cardi dxox .

Not sure where the "Am I his mommy?" came from... . but;

Yes they leave stuff to keep doors open, and they don't return things and they demand something trivial that they just can't do without. Its worse than a dog marking its territory.

If $50 in junk draws you back to them... . you are a fool.

If that is all you lost you are so lucky... my losses this time were over $250k... Run Forest Run.

 I agree delusional it is weird... .

The first thing I did was toss any reminders, gifts etc. I remind myself enough i dont need external reminders... . i gave her back all of her personal effects ,she didnt even have to ask me. But thats what healthy ppl do.

Lillmiss

They keep "souvenirs"  because giving any thing back or throwing things away means l that its really over for them. They cant handle closure its to painful ,they need to stay connected to ppl from thier past . No matter how bad the x was they dont believe they deserve to be happy or loved. (They think they are a bad person so they deserve to be treated like crap). So when someone treats them good they feel as if they dont deserve it and it makes them uncomfortable. They cant believe compliments(they know your lieing even if you not)  I cant wrap my head around this either but its what I've read and it was an aha moment. My xdBPDgf is still friends on fb with an ex of hers tha died 4 years ago. Creeped me the efff out... .

Teaching him the "rules of society"; a lesson his mother never taught him.

Hi Breslin,

For my BPDex she didn't have to deal with the consequences.  She is surrounded by unknowingly enablers and caretakers.  If it's something that the group can't fix for her, she pulls out the victim card.  Not very logical but then again neither is she.

Hmm... I'm not sure about this. A lot of people are greedy and just want a freebie as opposed to paying for items themselves.

I think this is really just a boundary issue as opposed to a BPD issue. If you don't think that someone will return something, then don't lend it to them in the first place. I don't lend anything to people now because I've realized that you might as well write it off as a bad debt- that a lot of people are notoriously bad at returning things. I don't think it's a good idea to lend money or anything expensive. If it's something cheap, then ok, not too bad but still why bother? Why take that risk?

When a relationship is over, I don't throw out gifts that the person bought me. To me, they're just material items... they have a functionary purpose and why shouldn't I get usage out of the item? Love is listening to someone, spending time with them, being kind and honest with them. It's not trying to buy someone's affections with monetary items... that's just manipulation really. Money can't buy anyone love... . it can buy admiration, status, popularity but not love.

This is a harsh question Breslin but I feel that I must ask it... . why did you continue on lending him stuff throughout the multiple recycles of your relationship if he had a pattern of not returning said items? God, I feel like Judge Judy here but seriously, I mean this in the most respectful way possible.

Heck I'll live without a cardigan :D it's just the complete disrespect that that action signalled, that spoke volumes to me... . he was screwing someone else behind my back, had lived off me for months and still had the gall to charge me for the return of an item that is of no use to him, it does not fit him! :D

If he had wanted any of his stuff back and asked for it rather than disappearing, he would have had it. I asked him if he wanted it many times. When he disappeared on me the first time and I was pregnant, I was in so  much pain even knowing there was stuff of his in my house, that I got rid of it all (sold his bike on ebay :D)

He had disappeared for 3 months completely and abandoned me totally- and when I briefly saw him again he screamed blue murder at me re his bike, the idiot. He didn't seem to get that if you abandon someone they will rationally assume you are not coming back, and act accordingly.

*Hi.*musicfan42 - not a harsh question at all.  Actually, I only lent him the medical equipment that one time.  However, during our recycles I'd spend time at his house and leave a bag of personal items behind; got sick of lugging stuff.  Always expected I'd be back in a few days.  But then it became a habit of his to text me the minute I was gone and start raging - for no reason, flip me black and text me the relationship was over.

I never would have bothered with the suit if it were just my personal items he wouldn't return.  However, this particular incident involved that piece of equipment that belonged to my family.  I had to do something.

Thanks for the explanation. Wow... . it must have been hard for you to deal with that kind of inconsistency within the relationship.   


Yeah... it sounds like you did the right thing in relation to getting the piece of medical equipment back. :) 

Does anyone have an explanation or link that explains more why this is? My H has the same problem and I haven't been able to make sense of why pwBPD struggle so much with this. I often wonder: do they really "forget"? Do they not care? Do they assume someone else will always fix whatever it is for them? I am constantly saying "if you would just learn from your mistakes instead of always repeating them life would be so much easier for you." It goes in one ear and out the other.

My ex never returned any of my stuff or money he owed me after a R/S. This last time was no different. Told me he was going to mail back my cell phone and never did. I could care less about the cost of the phone but it had 100s of pics of my daughter from this past year that were not backed up, including holiday and halloween, etc. It also had voice recordings she left for me. He never sent it back.

You have to be a total piece of sh--t human being to keep something like that. Then again, this is the guy that never returned a letter to his ex wife that her mother wrote to her before she died. I think he seriously may be a sociopath.

I was in court once.   I told my attorney I was just trying to prove a point.  This was her response,

":), did you ever stop and think that some people just don't get the point, they just don't get it!  And if they do get it, they just don't care."

I think about that all the time.   I have noticed everytime I try to prove a point, it backfires in my face.   But that's me and my life experiences.   Everyone is different.   I do hope it turns out for you or gives you the peace you need.   

Maybe it is simpler than all this... .

If BPD is a form of arrested emotional development... . which it seems to be, and they lack empathy and remorse... like a 3yr old, and even things like object constancy are mentioned in regard to them... . it it just that they lack the maturity to balance risk/consequences?

My exBPDgf was careful to try to manage her image... . she didn't want to do anything that would bring shame on her or give a bad reputation ... . as she was a teacher and that could catch up with her. But the stupid stuff she did to spite me was over the top. We were often close to having cops involved in the r/s.

But looking back... she could have been an adult playing the part of a 3 yr old... and it would have been identical.