BPDFamily.com

Once a pwBPD makes an "Attachment" with another person, as far as the pwBPD is concerned does that attachment always stay in place?

We know that relationships break up, either forced by the pwBPD or the non. However we have heard from fellow contributors on this site that a pwBPD can try and remake contact many years later. So how long does a pwBPD maintain the attachment with someone they have had any form of previous relationship with.  Is it always there or does there become a time when the attachment is severed completely ?

I think once "the jig is up", they aren't attached anymore. They're only interested in someone they can control. Once they know you won't let them control you, I think they just detach.

I could be wrong though. I'm sort of new to this stuff.

The core of the disorder is a fear of abandonment, stemming from the initial trauma or traumas that occurred when the borderline was young, at a time when they were not yet clear that they were separate individuals from their caregiver, usually their mother.  We all go through that, feel abandoned by the person we felt 'one' with, weather the subsequent depression, and come to the realization that we are separate individuals, a critical part of developing our own 'self'.  A borderline never does that, never detaches, so they stay on the fence between one person and two separate people, always fearing that abandonment because the depression that would follow is too terrifying.

That dynamic continues to play out in their adult lives, whoever they're in a relationship with being the stand-in for that earliest attachment, with the associated fear that they will leave.  So bottom line, a borderline finds it very difficult to let go of any attachment, and will always look for ways to keep emotional hooks in someone, panicking in the face of that abandonment.  I've mentioned before that my ex found me on Facebook after 25 years, and off to the races we went for another round of pathology, and silly me, I thought she'd changed.

A borderline is aware of that fear though, so to cope they spread it out, sometimes maintaining at least emotional attachments to several people at once, to lessen the pain if one leaves.  If you've been gone for a long time and they are coping with that abandonment fear by attaching to one or more people well, you won't pop up on their radar, but if they are feeling alone and abandoned you might, whenever, and if you were to show up in their lives again, the same dynamic would play out; an attachment is an attachment.

Its probably good you put the word attachment in quotes because the attachment is a very shaky one. It was shaky when you met and it will remain shaky.

Borderlines lack a known consistent self and they struggle with abandonment fears and abandonment depression. For those reasons and others BPD is an attachment disorder and are emotionally unstable - so if that tells you anything the attachment is certainly an insecure one. One that once we heal we no longer want in our lives.

Secure attachments come when two healthy minded people join to form a relationship where there is mutual trust and respect - where both do not want to or dream of changing the other person to suit their need/desire/want and who love unconditionally.

BPD/"us" relationships form a bond which is not at all based on the above. Detaching has more to do with us than them.

Knowing the facts about BPD helps however... . Willing, can I ask why you are concerned with how long she will be attached for - opposed to - how you can detach from this dysfunction? Are you concerned how long this new relationship will last? Are you waiting for her to not contact you before you will begin to detach?

Contact from our ex's is never for the reasons we hope.

Clearmind  the reason i asked the question is because of the following reason.  If i or any other non where to be involved in a honest and genuine loving relationship with someone in the future, what are the chances of a  pwBPD who we had a relationship in the past, then suddenly re-appearing in many years to come and then spoiling our new relationship?

By then you'll be so healthy and healed that you wouldn't let them.  You are in control of who you choose to be in relationship with.

I agree with heeltoheal. You simply will not care Willing and you will not need to save face and "play nice" to remain "friends" with your ex. Once in a new relationship we are the ones who need to exercise very strong boundaries to protect the new relationship we have. You deserve it and your new girl deserves it and your relationship deserves it.

However, if you do entertain your ex while with another - you have not detached yet :)

A person can only over step the mark if you allow it.

Chances of reappearing quite high I'd say.

Chances of ruining your current relationship at that time?    Well, that would be down to how much damage YOU allowed to happen!

pwBPD are known to go out on "Smear Campaigns" against people they have had a relationship with in the past. That can lead to all kinds of problems in any new relationship that the non has formed in the future.

Although the non has cut of all forms of communication with the exBPD gf or bf those with BPD don't play by any rules what so ever. 

Willing, folks with emotional maturity don't care about smear campaigns. Its high school stuff. I would not want to date a man who would listen to what my ex told them or what they heard as heresay.

You are concerned before its happened. What maybe helpful is how you will deal with a GF who came to you about something she heard... . what would you say and do?

I would tell her my truth!

What she does with it is up to her.

Also, if you live true to your values and with integrity, and build relationships with people coming from that place, anyone who shows up and says things that just aren't true will sound like a joke to people you're close to and know the real you.  They will dig their own grave.

This is an interesting thread, thanks to all others for contributing.

One thing that I'd like to add is, often times BPDs as we know objectify individuals. In other words, treat people as objects. So, lets think about this a little deeper. The question of how long do they stay attached, think of yourself literally like a single pair of shoes one might have in a closet along with many other pairs. There may be a primary pair that gets worn a lot and most often. They might even be the most comfortable, the pair they're married to, literally. Just as we might choose to wear another pair another day or for a specific event or reason, the selection of our particular type or style might be attractive to them in any given moment or time in their lives. After all, there's a certain part of them that has "form fitted" to us, as well and we may be viewed in their minds as a pair (person) of specificity.

To personalize it a little more, in my case, I was the pair that got up and walked off on my own. The "fit" for the two of us was not good. Think of me in shoe terms as maybe that pair that always kept coming tied or too much of a hassle for her (aka having needs). She still liked my "style" but didn't seem to feel I fit for everyday use.

It's kind of goofy to think of things in those terms, I know, but when you begin to wrap your head around the fact that Narc. supply has to do with feeding the BPD's needs or ego, then it makes sense. If a BPD can have a "collection" of individuals to cycle through, it's a good strategy for them when they have those periods of feeling abandoned, real or imagined. To continue the analogy, to them at that moment, they're feeling like bare feet amidst shards of glass. So, any pair might just be worthy of wearing.

If I let any one of the BPDs I've been involved with back into my life, we MIGHT be able to keep it casual, but only at a very superficial level. One because I'm tuned into BPD now and would enforce that "arms length" space as well as other boundaries. This might be too limiting for them and they may NOT consider me apart of their world or care. However, from their perspective, they might be able to still say we were "friends", as in I have someone to call and to reach out to, when I'm having a BPD moment. I do think a lot of them, as they get older, do do this. For several reasons. To the outside world it appears to be a simple friendship with a prior acquaintance. Or. perfectly "normal". To the BPD it provides the security and safety net I described previously, but also an impression or excuse to others within their inner circle that they've become better adjusted and less labile. A sort of dupe to themselves and others that they've stabilized and can maintain "friendships." This maybe why research shows that overtime BPD symptoms tend to level out some or subside, they simply have a larger pool or source of Narc. supply available to them to make it through what would have been at earlier times in their lives a very rough patch.

If you're afraid they might come back, here's my story: As for me, none of the three BPD women I dated from my passed as ever reached back out toward me on their own accord after months of NC. I sent one a condolence card after her mother died and she sent me back form Xmas letters for several years. I subsequently learned about BPD after the first letter, but remained NC the whole time through and we've never reconnected since. Would this one add me back to her "collection" if I would have reciprocated or broken NC? Sure, probably. The other two have long moved on, but those relationships weren't as intense or as long lasting affairs initially either (though crazy women attracted me, I was learning to get better boundaries). Those two painted me black upon departure, the other did not. So, each case is different too, keep that in mind. Some simply discard and move on, while others willingly "collect" individuals.

If any non's especially men don't have a clear understanding of the disorder after involving with a loving person and then when borderlines try to reconnect, that would be a great chance that non's go back to them. This is because they become addicted to chaos and drama and a loving relationship bores them! There are many men chose to be with these insane women and find them seductive!

OK! Firstly a relationship takes two and our ex's were not only ones in it. So what we divulge to another person also involves us in some part.

Personally I would answer "Honey, it was a high conflict relationship and one that I have learnt a lot from - I am thankful for it". "she said" arguments about our ex's do not go unnoticed by a healthy minded person.


Wonderfully worded Heel and so very true |iiii. This is what we all need to strive towards. Being healthier than we were and choosing partners who are emotional equals.

I believe this. There's still an emotional push/pull of her pendulum 12 months after she left and declared "I'm moving on".