BPDFamily.com

Hello All,

Some of you may be familiar with everything, but here is a brief synopsis:

-7 yrs in relationship with BPD h; abusive/ controlling relationship; attempted to set boundaries and use other tools; every boundary in place for my safety was broken in one event which led to relationship being over; D4 under care of GPs end of summer through event due to my health issue and H inability to care for her or himself; H and GPs went for custody ex parte two days after DV incident and convinced a judge to grant him sole custody despite PO/RO for D and I; got sole custody a few days before XMAS; GPs still have visitation as agreed to by me; H has no contact with either of us; I want to move to be closer to family and friends (everyone I have is multiple states away); waiting on relocation petition to be filed.

So here is the current issue: H has a PO/RO preventing him from having any form of contact with us, however, D4 gets upset and cries over missing her daddy. I feel very torn walking a fine line of not creating a bad image of her father in her mind, telling her (age appropriately) what the truth is, and helping her to adjust to our new normal without daddy. I am having a hard time with the fact that he was physically violent with me, even tried running me over multiple times, with punishing our child with not being able to see or talk to him for an indefinate period of time. It is hard going through this essentially alone save for T's and social workers and watching my daughter cry over her father. She does this anytime there is a quiet period where she can think, otherwise if kept fairly busy it doesn't come up.

How do I justify this? What direction should I go? I am really struggling with this new norm and despite my H's mny issues and poor treatment of me, I never wanted to be a single parent, so it is difficult for me to see the hurt from her missing her daddy. He wasn't a very good parent, but she loves him and it is hard to explain that she simply can not see or talk to him unless a judge says its ok (she kind of understands as she is very bright but keeps asking the same or similar questions over again). I also struggle with her sometimes saying she will never see her daddy again, which I am trying to reassure her he will be in her life someday, but needs this time to work out his problems and be a better daddy for her. Although I dont know that he will ever see her, especially if he does what he has in the past and not undergone necessary treatment (ordered by the court) in order to be involved with his previous children which he has not seen since 2008. So I am truly torn and want her to have him in her life (under controlled circumstances) and the desire to have us move on without him and recover from his madness.

Any advice out there?

Is supervised visitation an option in your area?

You are not 'punishing' her though it can sure feel like it.  It's not much of a stretch to worry that if he was able to be violent with you that if you're out of his reach then at some point and with some trigger he could be violent with her too.  That is the reality.

Supervised visitation is an option, though he ought to bear the cost.  Of course, based on the past his family would not make good supervisors so any supervision would have to be monitored by trained professionals.

Should the order be modified to allow her telephone contact with her father?  Video calls such as with Skype is another possibility.  In either case that contact has to be monitors to be sure it isn't used as a pressuring or manipulative Blamefest.