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So... . After a couple months recycling on/off every 1-2 weeks, each time learning to detach more, I think I finally see him as the sick man that he is. I have no evidence he ever cheated, and I always thought that the one thing we had was honesty. He is soo good at talking and owning his faults and since he is in treatment, I kept up some hope. The last rift was catching him outright in a lie. I began to question past stories and began to realize that I didn't trust him. Duh! We were not back together, but talking. He continued to say his goal in getting better, was to one day be the man I deserve... Yada yada. Well, yesterday I learned something about his past  and asked him about it. He was in a place where he could either  fuss up that he had lied about something in the past, or create a new lie in the present, to cover up. He choose to lie (made up a whole story to support it). I told him I didn't believe him and cornered him with my logic and proof. He lied again and then sent me an email with the full story, admitting he's deceived me a lot, then ending with a sorry and a goodbye. Said all his lies were in order to keep me etc. Then awhile later, these were our final Facebook messages before I blocked him for good:

BPDx: I know you already know this, but I want you to hear it-you didn't believe my lies because you're a fool, but rather, because I'm a master manipulator. Sometimes I find myself lying about things for no reason at all. I'm a very sick person, and I'm sorry to have inflicted myself on you. Forget me, detest me, don't waste a thought on me. Goodbye, my love.

Me:  You sound proud of yourself... 'Master Manipulator' this was all a joke or game to you? I AM A FOOL. But I will forget you. In fact, I just took a dump, named it after you, and flushed it away. You are pathetic

Him: No, I'm quite ashamed of myself, actually. It was not a joke or a game. It was me doing everything I could to have you. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

Something about this has helped me see him differently. It's like the smoke dissipated and I saw him without the mask of who he pretends to be (and who I want him to be). I don't want him anymore. I've said that before though... . So I've lost a little confidence in my never again statements.

Said all his lies were in order to keep me etc.   Pretty self-aware for a borderline, and probably true, since fear of abandonment is the core of the disorder.

I'm a master manipulator. Sometimes I find myself lying about things for no reason at all. I'm a very sick person, and I'm sorry to have inflicted myself on you. Forget me, detest me, don't waste a thought on me. Goodbye, my love.  Now there's some more honesty and some closure, more than most of us got around here.

In fact, I just took a dump, named it after you, and flushed it away. You are pathetic  WooHoo!  No love lost there.

I don't want him anymore. I've said that before though... . So I've lost a little confidence in my never again statements.  The wheels have definitely come off this relationship; are you conflicted?

 Yea I've been here to many times. Sorry your going through this. I also lost confidence in my never agains. But the cool thing is once you stick to it the confidence comes back. Hang in there auroras you have made the right move for yourself... Great post keep it up! |iiii