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Don't do it. I just spent 2 hours explaining to my exgf why she is a biatch... . she didn't get it.

 Lol state... .

Yea man they usually dont bro. my xdBPDgf would of hung up on me within minutes. Your post it reminds me of the movie "scent of a woman" with al pacino. "You want the truth, you cant handle the truth"  :)

You broke n/c hope you learned man.  Honestly I want to break n/c so bad but post like these help me not to. I feel for you state. All you can do is start n/c again amd stick to it. Hang in thier!

Time to let that one go man, it can only get uglier.

 Yea for sure. Let her go and suck the life out of some other sucker. Kick rocks hooker! Lol

Must be something in the water... .

I did the same thing same fkt up result( definition of a looney toon apparently)

Dont kick your own ass too hard stater, im sure she did that enough for u mate

Back on the NC horse aye

Giddyup... .

Well, there's nothing you can do about it now. No sense beating yourself up about it. It doesn't really matter what they think anyway. Just don't let it bother you and keep looking forward.

Of all the things I struggle with one thing that has been clear in my mind is that attempting to contact my ex would serve absolutely no purpose and would be a complete waste of effort. The ONLY thing I have managed to do consistently during the healing process is not attempt to reach out. Nor have I heard from him either... .

That's the way to do it.

The one certainty in all this is that you have nothing to gain from contact with that person.

Its actually from the movie "A few Good Men" with Tom Cruise and it wasn't Al Pacino that said that phrase, ... but rather Jack Nicholson. Sorry , but I'm a little bit of a movie buff and I can remember pretty much every line in every movie I see…. its a curse I have.

Booyah!

"Scent of a Woman" is a great movie though. Here's a good BPD quote from it:

"What life? I don't have a life! I'm in the dark here!"  :)

Trying to describe a BPD person's behaviors to them is like beating a dead horse.  They do not/can not/will not understand. Ever. 

I learned that no contact is the only way to recover from that type of r/s.

I've bookmarked this. Every time I feel like I want to break NC, I'm going to read it.

It's been tough going lately. I part of me feels horrible that I basically 'abandoned' my partner because she has a mental illness. I'm feeling a lot of guilt around that.

Also feeling a gaping sense of 'open-endedness' about the r/s. We never actually broke up, we never talked about what happened the night of her last rage episode, we never even said goodbye. We just never spoke again and I cut her off completely once I figured out that BPD thing.

Talk about 'lack of closure' *phew*

I know, I know, there *is* really no 'goodbye' when it comes to a pwBPD. But the logical part of my brain wants to know why I would treat someone like that.

Contacting her won't fix this, but it doesn't mean I haven't thought about it... . ug.

Yep... . contacting is bad.  Stay away from her... . period.  Out of sight and out of mind is best.  

19 months NC for me... . course in my case I had a restraining order on her for the first 90 days cause she came over to my house to cut me up with some walmart knives.  I got nothing left to say to that psycho.  Nothing I could say matters to her anyway because according to her "I" am the one with the problem... . you know... . being the pedophile, paraphilliac, voyeur... . NPD, and generally awful person I am... .     What an evil wench she is.

i soo tempting to break NC! soo tempting... .

trying to explain a BPD that they have behaviours that are unacceptable is a sentence for extra sufferig for us. they will never understand nor accept it, if they do, that would mean they accept they are broken and they cant take that, they have built very high walls to protet that and will defend that to levels we cannot even grasp... .

if you end up breaking contact (hope not, but if you do, as we canfall into temptation) then dont tell them they have issues unless you are ready to get shouted at :)

Yeah, me also. Honestly, I think about what I would say all the time (that I think about this BPD issue) I know she wouldn't get it.

- She lived a relationship never being in the wrong and being in denial.

- She never apologised, although her behavior transgressed boundaries of normality.

- Why should I tell her that I know all I know about BPD having learned most of it within the four and a half months (where's the *party* emoticon!) of NC? She knows what it is because she knows she is diagnosed.

- I know as much as to gather that the rebound has ended - she was so wrapped up and warped as to have his name in her own FB name   and it's just her name now, etc or was a few months ago before blockage from me)

- Why should I tell her that she's a cheat? She denied that at the time, said it was me who broke up with her.

- Why should I tell her she's an idiot - only an idiot of low emotional intelligence would have a new relationship after ten days and not A) Work on the existing one B) Break up conventionally.

But I know I can't validate it. I simply cannot converse with someone whose mental illness and all the defence mechanisms that entails has destroyed a relationship. I know that for me not to get in contact hurts her more than anything. I exist without her. I am fine.

Ogo.

Yep your 100 % right. My fault good catch! |iiii

There is an old saying, trying to explain something to a person who has resigned logic is like applying medicine to a person who is already dead.

My buddy and his wife (her sister) were talking about her the other day.  I told her that I will always care about her, but she was on her own and I hated that she still had to endure her…not being her family I am able to escape.

She will never…just as your BPs…likely stop being this way.  Most research shows that BPDs are capable of treatment, but unfortunately one of the hallmarks of it is DENIAL.  And they will deny it to the death most of the time.  That realization has to come from them.  For example I could go over to her house and say…”M…you are a goddamned borderline!  Get some help!”…Her sister could say, “M…you know mental illness runs in our family…Please see someone to see if they can help you”…If she believed in therapy, her therapist could say, “M…you have a serious personality disorder…I can help you”, but you know what?  None of that means $hit to borderline…because everyone else is crazy…not them.  Whatever you say is horse$hit to them anyway…especially if you are in the devalued stage.  What you say means less than nothing…and you’re only saying it because YOU are abusive.  

Crikey!

The best thing you can do?  Forget them... . get on with your life and try to put that abusive m0therf#cker out of your mind. 

Yeah, don't break n/c.  I ran into my uBPD/NPD ex gf a week after I finally ended the r/s and I don't know what I was thinking, but I tried to have a warm closure discussion.  In typical control manner, she asked me what I had wanted in the r/s and why I left.  It was the same clash of two realities as went on for three years.  It didn't matter when I said the two incidences of physical abuse in the last month of the r/s was the last straw for me.  She just smiled and shook her head "yes".  She then attempted to further control the r/s for setting the terms going forward = being friends and good neighbors.  I walked away shaking my head and realizing I could NEVER be my true self in that r/s and n/c was the only way to go.  Yup, DON'T DO IT!

I have always wondered this, ... (referring to trying to describe to the BPD that their behaviour is unacceptable and chaotic to those around them).

In an earlier post of mine (December'ish) I stated (in a fantasy of mine) that I have always wanted to duct-tape my wife into a chair so that she could not move an inch (arms & legs bandaged with tape)  , ... then duct-tape her mouth shut, ... . then duct tape her eyelids open (so she has no option but to listen and watch what I was about to present to her), ... . then I would play the videos and audio clips of her horrific and bizarre behaviour in front of her and put on a loop so it plays over and over again (whilst I depart and go have a coffee somewhere like StarBucks and then I would come back about two to three hours later (maybe two three days later ?) to UN-duct-tape her, ... . so it would sink, bloody in to her brain that this is the way that she acts and it is not acceptable. And then say, ... "well, ... . do you get in now?". "This is why you have no friends, nor family nor children around you"... .

(By the way, ... did I spell duct tape properly?)

I hope no one here does this duct taping thing here after reading my post. Remember, ... . it is only a fantasy.

Besides, ... . this would be illegal, ... yes?  (Lol)

A Clockwork Orange, borderline style.

I'm on about two weeks of NC after having gone for twp months. It set me back but it was almost as if I could not stand it any longer. It was not a god idea and I got hung up on several times.

Every day I have this overwhelming urge to contact her. She is BPD to the extreme. I have been studying up on this for the better part of a year since my therapist told me what she was. She was abusive in every way and impossible to deal with. But I have never felt grief or missed someone so badly in my entire life. My friends and family think I'm a whimp at this point and quite honestly I have to agree. It's as if I love who she is beneath the BPD. In her moments when I believed her to be honest and real without pretense I empathized with her and loved who she was. Then that would disappear and I would be dealing with a complete witch again. SO why do I miss her soo much? why do I long to see her. This is the worst feeling ever.

That’s what I was just thinking!  Woah.  

But you know what?  They have been acting like this probably most of their whole life so 3 days or even a week wouldn’t…There is no unraveling that mess and she’d probably just blame it on you still

Duct tape?  Yes…that is the “generic” name for it.  :)uck tape is a brand…they do make “duct tape” as well as other types of tape…Many folks call it “duck tape”…which is kinda correct, like calling a pepsi a “coke” or hook and loop material “velcro”….Or a borderline just “psycho”…lol

You miss the dream of what should have/could have been if not for her mental illness.

You can still have the dream, but you have to find someone who doesn't have a personality disorder.   

Me like your type and style of humour as it parallels mine. Scary, actually.

i relate to missinthe dream... .   but we also miss the caring, very intense side they have when the r/s starts. They mirror us, and know how to "satisfy" our needs (which can be co-dependency) and we like that. but this is nothing else but a technique to fish... . once we are in their pockets and love them un-conditionally, then the real BPD/disorder happens and is a bit oops, and we try to return to that point.

we need to work in ourselves to let them go. we miss them a lot when they are gone, but really, i think at least in my case, i miss the caring i got from her when she was being non BPD, even if those episodes were short. that is not her fault, is mine!. what a laberynth...

By all means, if you are not interested in any relationship (and you have to be honest with yourself), DO NOT attempt any contact whatsoever. It would be like trying to light a cigarette but each time you strike the match you blow out the flame before the cig is lit.

My situation is a little different whereas my relationship was halted unwillingly on both sides. You know the story, boy meets girl/boy loses girl/boy finds girl married/affair ensues... .

Since the breakup though (late Nov) I have made zero attempts to contact her because I really dont want to see her get divorced, but that certainly is a viable concern, She has called several times since the breakup as she is trying to move through this without ending up divorced and in a hospital. I've known her for over half of my life and care for her well being more than my own. They are not all demons in disguise.

OgopogoDude, Lol! You actually think by forcing a BPD to watch themselves on a repeating clip of their bad behavior, something will sink in? Doubtful. My Bpd would say something like "Well, if you'd've only listened to me, I wouldn't have had to freak out like that! It's you that makes me nuts." Or, wait, wait #2 ….They are a victim, crying now …how I've hurt them by showing them such a tape. All of a sudden they will own their illness and I'm a horrible Monster for having duct taped a sick, mentally ill person to a chair, and they'd call the police, and show them tape marks on their wrists.  Sound about right? Thanks for making me smile…I think I made it another day N/C here on the east coast! Night, SMH :)

Not sure I would want to hear that I was biatch :) and my reaction wouldn't be a good one either - I'm not BPD!

I also wanted my ex to get it and told him as much - that was so I could feel better about myself - I was not being kind to him by doing that. I roasted him and it was all self servicing to relinquish my own shame and guilt.

State85 - I understand you want her to get it however its not your role to do that. She needs to work things out for herself and you my friend need to process your role.

NC is good in the interim when emotions are really heightened. I have seen it many many times when members are NC for over 12 months, even 2 years and come back and post how they saw their ex and are devastated. NC does not help us detach. What helps us detach is recognising that we brought our own dysfunction to the relationship - that we need to heal from our past, issues, demons - call them what you will.

I'm not at all suggesting you are responsible for her behaviour - all I am suggesting is that we each are responsible for our stuff. Let her be responsible for hers and you for yours. You cannot control her or her reactions.

Be kind to you and be kind to her plight - she hurts a lot - exercising empathy and compassion for others means you can have the same for yourself.

I've got a pretty good stretch of no contact going. It's been pretty easy for the most part. It has definitely helped me to feel better about things. There have been a few times that I've thought about contacting her, but ultimately chose not to. The next day, I'm always glad that I didn't.

It's a huge splash of cold water to the face to hear about these women getting restraining orders over the slightest attempt to contact them. That's the harsh reality of it. These BPDs are ruthless. You cannot make yourself vulnerable to them.

That's exactly what I was saying... . it would be your fault.  Thing is very few BPDs will ever acknowledge they have a problem... . so any attempt (and that was a bit extreme) of getting them to realize that anything they did was wrong... . or to accept any responsibility... . or not project all of that back on you... . is gonna fail.  So if ANY amount of recovery is in their future, THEY have to realize it is time for a change because of the negative impact it has on their relationships.  Unfortunately most of them will never see that because of the denial. 

clearmind, i agree, NC does not help us to detach. i came to that conclusion. You highlight a good point, detachment comes from recognizing our own demons and heal, very true, i am working on that and started therapy.

But for me, the process of detaching and letting her go, also includes me confirming she is a toxic person. Perhaps is a silly way to justify my need to talk to her, but i need to see her reactions, i need to see that she is indeed dysfunctional. is this mental?

Ditto here - when I read about the restraining orders, it gives me a pause. Not that I would contact her at this point, but it's a good incentive not to... .

Try and start to see her as a sick person and not a bad one.  Someone with the disorder just wants love like everyone else, but the trauma they suffered at a young age created a disorder that makes that extremely difficult for them, and the ways they choose to deal with it are largely maladaptive.

Do you need to see that she is dysfunctional, or do you need her to see it and agree with you?

I never actually called her that. Think I just posted that at a moment of frustration I had with her. I’m trying to be NC, but she periodically contacts me to get sympathy. She is unemployed, has been for months. No unemployment coming in, says she is losing her house, her car, electricity going to be cut off. Texts me all this, saying I (State85) don’t care. But I know on the weekends she is out and living it up with my replacements (yes that is plural).

fromheeltoheal... . if i see her as someone with a disorder that just wants to love like everyone else, i feel so much empathy i want to go back to her and hug her and take anything she throws at me... .    i know this is no good either.

i need to see her as a human person who desperately need love, but in the process of getting love, she destroys others, i was going down a deep dark hole when i was with her. that is what i meant with "Toxic". indeed ,not the right word, but i will feel tremendous empathy if i see them only as ill. i know they are ill, but they also destroy people  only that thought keeps me in NC. therfore i need to feed that thought until i fix my own crap i guess

I get it growing.  I feel a great love for that beautiful girl in my ex too, although I've accepted that she has a personality disorder, I can't fix it, and hanging around with it will just create massive pain for me, because the ways she copes with her disorder are maladaptive.  Once we accept it is what it is and we can't change it, radical acceptance it's called around here, it is possible to see her as a sick person and not a bad one, also realizing the sickness can be very dangerous for us and we need to keep clear of it.

Whatever it takes.  After I left her I made a list of all the unacceptable crap she pulled during the relationship and read it all the time, got pissed off at her, painted her as an evil btch, hated her, was disgusted by her, whatever it takes because we have strong mixed feelings, otherwise we wouldn't have stuck around for all the pain.  But it's been a while now and the emotions have waned and I've healed and grown a lot, so I can now see her as a sick person and not a bad one, someone who's doing her best to make it through life under very difficult circumstances, ones that can't be changed because they're between her ears.  And that's her stuff; I have plenty of my own to work on.  Take care a you!

Making my list of all the unacceptable crap mine pulled and reading it a few times is what kept me from breaking N/C.  I knew if I went back that list would just keep growing. I don't think of him as Freddie Kruger anymore, just a sick person that I allowed to abuse me.