BPDFamily.com

Bam!

I can be having a relatively ok day, and suddenly I feel clobbered.

My x has alienated my sons from me.  I am working with the kids therapist and she tells me to just be patient.  They will understand more in time and I just need to hang in there. 

It is awful.  I can do it some days better than others . 

It hits out of nowhere sometimes.  Going from doing ok to so sad I can hardly stand.  I have come to terms with all he has taken except for my teenage sons.  The 17 year old hasn't spoken to me in months, and the 15 year old has demanded 30 days no contact.

The baseball bat to the head scenario of pain is brutal. 

I'm so sorry about your sons.  :'(

First, I'm really glad that your kids have a therapist and you are able to work with them with the therapist. Patience isn't something that would come easy to me either in this scenario. I'd want it fixed. I'd want it fixed now.

The younger saying "give me thirty days" would sting. But at least there is an end to it? Probably doesn't help much being that it probably feels like a prison sentence. At least maybe if he's really angry, he can take some time to soothe that anger - and try again in a month's time.   

Does the therapist have suggestions for what you can do in the thirty days? I've heard that the most beneficial thing to do is to "prove" the alienating parent wrong in a way that doesn't further alienate the kids.  As unnatural as it feels when it comes to alienated children and the person who is doing the alienating, it's important to stay the course and not disparage the other parent. Just show that you're not an awful mom even though dad is saying you are.

Lots of hugs to you. How are you holding up? Do you have your own therapist?   

This didn't happen in a day, a week, a month or even a year.  Likely for their entire lives the children were conditioned by their other parent not to trust their own judgement, observations and conclusions.  Life leaves blown about by the wind, going whichever way the wind blows.  Once that was accomplished then it became a matter of who could be more emotionally pressuring and forceful.  And you know who that is.  When compared to your reasonableness, being blamed, appeasement, etc, no wonder this happened.  Their anger is real but they were spun around and manipulated into it.  Until they can discern that reality and not have their observations and conclusions overwhelmed by their dad, well, they'll continue bending to the overwhelming force from their dad and perhaps others.

I feel a major goal of the therapist for both children ought to be that aspect, to teach the children to observe the big picture, be objective, looking from the outside in and not from the inside looking out, come to their own uninfluenced conclusions about the facts and have a firmer grasp on what the big picture is and not letting go of it.  This is not just about you, but they need those skills in their adult lives.  For one thing, without that insight they're very likely to pick a spouse like mom or dad, if they marry someone like mom then they could turn into controllers crushing the spouse's boundaries, if they marry someone like dad then they could become appeasers with weak boundaries.

They're almost adults.  It's not just about you, though that's a good start if it can be accomplished, it's also about how they will handle their adult lives in the decades to come.  You want them to live reasonably normal lives, not as controllers or worse, and not as appeasers or worse.  Even if they've been so indoctrinated to see you now as the problem parent, if some of the therapy can get though and stick with them to be objective and hold to subsequent conclusions of reality, then even if not now, perhaps later, they'll look back and see that you've been wrongly blacklisted.

Hi,

I guess I know it is going to be ok, that like you said it is about the adults they become.  I have an easier time with my oldest.  He is off to college in the fall and hopefully will have some experiences that teach him to look into the gray areas a little closer.

The little one(15), is another story.  This is the longest I have ever gone without any contact with him.  I know he needs me, but then I think what he wants is just mom home.  Does he really need me now that I am not there making supper every night?  It may just be too confusing and hard for him to accept me gone?

I don't know.  I hope they find a window to let me back in one of these days.  I have to keep hoping or it hurts way too much.

I look at all of the people that are divorced that I know, no one has anything even remotely close to this nightmare. 

Thanks for the insight and comments, they do help

Still hurts though, ouch