BPDFamily.com

It's been a week and a half or so of no contact. I still have more bad days than good but I'm working on it. This weekend something came up that caused a major setback. Like many people here my exwdBPD didn't return all my belongings. One of the items not returned belonged to the apartment complex associated with the university I was attending. I paid the fine/cost for the item and figured all was fine with that. They are suing for the return of the item, which I had reported to the police as not returned after are r/s had ended. Long story short the police showed up this past weekend in regards to the items. I learned the my ex has used multiple names (different first and last) and  multiple birth dates. I have no idea who this woman is/was anymore, her real name ore age, or who the h@ll she is. You'd think this would make forgetting her easier, except it's made it worse.I feel so stupid for then and for feeling so sad right now. She's made moving someplace else almost impossible.I've tried to think about her as someone who's sick but this just strikes me as cruel. I had NO value as a person, I was nothing more than a new play thing to toy with until I broke. Which I am broken now. I look in the mirror and see a looser and she's off on her next journey. I can't believe any human would think this is ok.I'm so desperate forget her and knowing the truth isn't helping...

It's hard.

Does knowing this was a drama that would only play out one way not give you some relief. knowing that most or all of us here were fooled by these people with this disorder.

It wasn't you!

Hey coastalfog, I find it interesting that, when you're blinded by a pwBPD, sometimes the world conspires to give you a wake-up call.  In your case, it was the police.  In my case, it was a social worker.  It's a big reality check.  Suddenly you are face-to-face with a warning from the outside world that something is seriously wrong with your BPD r/s and it's getting you in trouble, which is a sobering experience.   You could view this as a lesson that it's time to let go, totally, of your BPD SO.  I suggest you move on, head for the hills, and don't look back.  Lucky Jim

There is a lot of pain/suffering that comes from the breakup of a BPD r/s.

I was driven to understand why it all happened and what was up with her/me... . and it kept me busy and eventually led to a good deal of insight in to BPD, and my bad BPD r/s.

I learned that BPD is attachment related... for the pwBPD... they fear abandonment and have in some way been abandoned by their FOO or mother.  Learned that for the partner of a pwBPD... . the person has some of their own attachment issues, probably keeps people at arm's length and the pwBPD busted boundaries to get close to them. That closeness was not natural/genuine... it was fast/intense... . as the pwBPD idealized their partner and they ate it up... . like it was the unconditional love they needed but didn't get enough of as kids. So the intense connection... is need based and unstable.

The truth... . seems to be that when you get hooked on your pwBPD... you put them on a pedestal and idealize them back... and they become like a parent to you... so your r/s changes to parent/child instead of BF/GF. They turn nasty and you take it and blame yourself... . and try to jump through hoops to please them. They leave you and its like losing a parent to death... you are devastated ... and grieving.

Could go on... but the truth is along those lines. It doesn't mean you were an idiot, or a liar or a manipulator, or a fool. You felt sparks, pursued a r/s, it moved fast and then went terribly wrong. Chances are you were 1/2 the r/s and part of the problem as well... . and were pushed to act in ways not becoming of you.

Seeing the r/s clearly... that it was not genuine love, but need on both sides, and was toxic and isn't going to work out... . is a bit helpful. The breakup is full of hurt... and knowing why that is the case can help you ... . if you work on it. You need to accept the reality of the situation... . stop bargaining ... . and work toward acceptance. Grieving has stages... they match what you are going through... . understand them, feel it and deal with it and work through it. When you take the pwBPD off the pedestal... and see them as the disordered, tragic person they are... that manipulated and hurt you... . it is easier to accept it and forgive it and move on. So... I guess knowing the truth helps a bit... . but it doesn't fix it, you have to work on you to do that.

Wow Charred, I planned to post some answer, but you nailed so many perspectives, that I now only can say thank you... . :)

It is so seriously accurate for my ex r/s and me of course... .

Thanks Hidden Dragon,

I have posted a lot over the last few years... and in the past was off the mark in a few ways... due to wallowing in my pain, and being wrapped up in ego defenses. It is hard to step away from your stuffed shirt and realize you were 1/2 of the painful r/s that didn't work out, and that in fact you came out of your FOO marked by it and scarred like a cow branded all over. We examine the BPD r/s... . but our issues as well as our pwBPD's issues, go way back.