BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

My 18yo daughter has BPD.  I have struggled with almost every diagnosis in the DSM.  Prior to being diagnoses with BPD, her psychiatrist used manic depressive disorder, ADHD, and "explosive child syndrome", among others.  I have been able to steer through the rough waters but have gotten to the point that I have to have a support structure to let me know what more I can do.

I see a psychiatrist monthly for support.  My wife also sees him (she is Step-mother to my child).  We are often at odds for what to do and it does create a struggle between us. Aside from this our relationship would be great.

I have managed to get my daughter into college and get her drivers license.  The college is what set off the current blow-up.  When I got home today my daughter told me she took an online quiz for one of her classes and got an F.  She had not been able to purchase the book for that class and was supposed to have borrowed a book from a friend who had taken the class.  When I asked her why she didn't borrow the book so she could go over the material before the quiz she said her friend didn't have the book and an F is better than a zero.  Mistakenly I asked why she hadn't asked someone in her class about copying the required pages until she could get her book.  This set her off and it was a down hill plunge.  My wife heard all this from downstairs and went into my computer room and turned off the internet router, which stopped her internet and the battle went over the top.  My daughter screamed ":)ad" and ran downstairs to go out of the house, on the way grabbing a set of car keys.  My wife in turn told her to leave the keys on the hook and my daughter made a remark about my wife's weight and her dying from it and stormed out of the house without them.  Walking down the street yelling obscenities at me even though she couldn't see me.  Now my wife is angry with me for being a bad parent and not setting limits better.  I am trying but feel like my wheels are spinning.  I need a lot of help. I don't want to abandon my daughter, but I am not willing to lose my wife either.  Please everyone, advice is welcome... .

Hi amizelle, I don't have a whole lot of advice, just want you to know you're not alone.  My daugther is 19 and has BPD.  What played out in your household could have easily been something that happened in ours.  Hang in there and don't forget to take care of yourself!

Svenska85

This too could be my house. Our dd will be 17 in a few weeks.  It is easy to be judged as a "bad" parent (happened to me today with my own mother).  Our dd would rather stay with her boyfriend and his family than be at our home where we have rules and consequences.  At the boyfriend's home she can pretty much do what she wants to do.  My husband and I have had to really make a strong effort to work together.  If we don't agree with what one of us is doing we talk about it, but never in front of dd.  She will only use that against us.  We work hard everyday at presenting a united front as far as decisions with dd go.  Back to the boyfriend situation, my husband and I have had to choose our battles.  Although dd is still in high school, we don't battle over grades anymore.  It was a battle that we just could not win.  DD has to attend school but if she is failing a class she has to pay the consequences of not passing the class.  As a teacher myself that is hard to handle but it is just not worth the fight.  Arguing about staying at the boyfriend's house is not what we want for dd but we do know where she is and she is not living on the streets.  Hang in there.  Come back to get the support we all have to offer and be sure to take care of you and your spouse.   

amizelle,

I replied in your newbie post and just realized that the link I was giving you for book I recommend did not post.  So, I will try it again.  This book is good for boundary setting and validation.  I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128027.0) - Gary Lundberg and Joy Lundberg

I still pull this out from time to time when I need  a refresher.

Welcome to the parents board.

peaceplease

Hello amizelle,

*welcome*

You are in a tough situation sandwiched between your daughter and wife, who is a step-mom. We have the same situation in our family (I am the "step-mom", our daughter is 32 and married, so it's somewhat easier).

I hear you - it IS tough. Good to hear you have a therapist. You do need support for yourself to navigate the waters safely AND keep your sanity.

I am sorry your evening was so stressful... .

When did you find out about her BPD? Did you have a chance to read about it yet?

One of the most important tools in dealing with BPD is the art of validation - in other words - acknowledging the feelings that the person w/BPD is having in a supportive attitude. We do not need to agree with the persons actions or opinions, we let them know that we are with them, and the we understand what they are feeling.

This might be a helpful link:

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)

Let us know what you think, ok?

I've lived this lifestyle for years & I have found, like muffetbuffet, that I can't make her do anything. There is no "setting consequences"... . they are what they are. Not going to class means you fail the class. Never going to school means you don't graduate. Cutting yourself means you have arms that you can never show in public. Tattoos mean there are certain places that will not hire you. Start wrecking my house and I will call the police, and the consequences will be what they are.

If it's your car you can take it away, but I wouldn't do it as a punishment. That will not work in changing her behavior. Take the car only if she's a danger to herself or someone else on the road. Then if she reacts violently, you have to call the police.

Tough love does NOT work on these children. If you use the techniques taught here, you may get through to her sometimes and start a dialog going. It won't cure her though.

Good luck. You have to get your wife on board, maybe have her read one of the recommended books.

just want to say that the absolute worst years for us were the late teens and early twenties.  my DSBPD is 26 now and things have calmed down a bit.  I agree with the comments above that you need to get your wife on board, tough love does not work and you can not make her do anything.  she will not respond well to taking away internet or the car.  my DS would blow something like that up to 10x worse than what it could have / should have been. 

I think the best response to her failing the quiz would be to ask her if there is anything you can do to be supportive of her taking college courses.  that does not mean that you do the hard work for her.  she needs to do that, it means that you encourage her and tell her you believe in her ability to do well in school.

the book that helped me the most was Valerie Porr's.  my husband was also not on board at first, but we eventually took Valerie Porr's course for families and since then he has really tried to understand  my ds and use the tools.   

welcome to the board and good luck

Tough love doesn't work but there are some things you can do.

1. sit down with your spouse and try and be honest about how hard it is for you to be stuck in the middle between your child and your spouse. Try and find a way that you can co-parent in a united way, which means both of you will have to find some common ground and consensus.

2. Set boundaries for yourselves rather than for your BPD person. And that is because you have your rights in this situation too, and you need to work out what they are and how you are going to state them to the BPD (note I don't say enforce them) I.e. If you scream in my face, we will do X (walk away, refuse to engage with you, etc etc) If you threaten us, we will call the police.

And keep on drawing those lines in the sand that are important to you and keep you and your spouse safe.

3. Also keep validating your BPD but don't enable them, so if there is a problem don't offer to fix it for them or tell them that they've done wrong, offer suggestions as to how they might fix it themselves.

Easy right? I'm kidding obviously because this is damn hard, but turning the question of tough love around really helps.

Kate4queen  stated it perfectly

You and your spouse need to be on the same page.

Sd would play up to her mother when I was not around to get what she wanted even though it had been discussed previously.

My wife and I talked about the situation many times and now set up boundaries we can both work with and are consistent.

Consistent is important as soon is a boundary is bent once it is disregarded.