BPDFamily.com

I ended my r/s with my exgf. And I'm pretty sure when she gets asked what happened, I get the blame... . not her.

But I wonder if when she is alone, does she acknowledge to herself that it was in fact her actions and abuse that caused me to end the r/s... .

Thoughts?

She acknowledges it, the emotions, mostly shame, are too strong, and she projects it on you to soothe, same as it ever was. Of course it's most helpful in healing to look at our part, since it's all we can control. Take care a you!

If she does, she'll never admit it to you or anyone else. Perpetual victim.

I agree with Santa, my ex wouldn’t have an identity if she couldn’t be the perpetual victim. She has to be the one left/wronged, to accept any blame would destroy her identity.

It all depends on how she is viewing you. If she is starting to re-idealize you, she will acknowledge what she did as "wrong" until you let her back in. That acknowledgement will only serve to meet her needs which is for you to soothe her. That need will expire once trigger day comes. If she is idealizing someone else, she will most likely not acknowledge that she was "wrong" because her needs are being soothed by that person and hence, you are to blame in her distorted reality. Again, that will last until the day of trigger arrives. Then once she starts to devalue that person, she may acknowledge that she was "wrong" unless of course, someone else comes along.

Re: I wonder if she acknowledges she is at fault


No. That's too close to the truth. They would bury that with their eyes closed.

I saw my ex do it and I was like this 

Here on bpdfamily.com, we admit it. We all brought stuff into these r/s. We weren't perfect.

Many of us stayed too long, but most of us didn't do most of the damage.

Detaching helps me see we can become less concerned with who was at fault.

More focused on who is responsible for what's to come.

State, lets ground this in reality. Lets say that you ended it because of your own reasons. Lets not give that power away. My thought.

Agreed. I have my reasons why I ended it. My decision. I took control of an abusive situation and saved myself.

No regrets.

From what I have heard from others, my ex still tells everyone that he did none of those mean and crazy BPD things; that it was all me doing them.

A totally skewed reality that he still tries to convince others of, even to those that he knows already know the truth.

Sad but true.

State,

Fault implies accountability which in their immature mental condition they're incapable of.

Shame however is often their go to primal emotion when they are alone. Shame for who they are, the hate they have for themselves, the good people they push away and lose, and their overall internal misery.

Shame in itself is such a painful existence that it is the main force that motivates their wrath of blame and projection.

So do they blame themselves? Perhaps for a millisecond... . but not in an insightful "learning from your mistakes" kind of way. This is the crux of the disorder: a stunted child mind trapped inside an adult body.

Spell

In time I began to heal and recognised my own role in the relationship. It takes two and my ex was not 100% to blame.

I contributed to the conflict cycle in my relationship because I had no relationship skills to know about boundaries and limits - it was reminiscent of my own childhood which unfortunately was not all roses.

We are generally attracted to people with a similar level of emotional maturity.