BPDFamily.com

How often do you have to deal with requests for parenting time outside the plan or in addition? I have residential custody and UBPD has parenting time. At least once per month or more there is something. I accommodate a swap for a work related conflict during his normal parenting time maintaining the time he has but I don't really bend outside of that. After the divorce finally finalized my attorney said not to bend an inch on time since through the divorce every bend yielded a demand for more for months as we tried to finalize things. I know he hates limits and rules so he'll buck the plan and I don't want to set a precedent. He doesn't seem to understand we have a family plan with his parenting time laid out and we shouldn't have to keep having these discussions! It's hard to deal with what feels like constant requests and that I always have to be the bad guy. I hate it! What is "normal" for others? What do you do? How flexible are you? What is the best approach long term for kids and me?

I would start with those two things, highlighted in bold above. It reminds me of the way some teachers approach the beginning of the school year: they won't bend the rules, are tougher with the kids, and enforce boundaries, even the small ones. Once the kids are on the same page and know the routine, the teacher starts to slowly let up.

If you want your ex to respect your boundaries, and the boundaries of the parenting plan, you have to assert them consistently. It's ok to stick to the parenting plan. You aren't the bad guy for following the order -- that's what it's for. If he is constantly trying to negotiate with you, and you feel like the bad guy, then it's best to focus on setting a firm boundary for now. See how it goes over the next year. Reevaluate when the boundary feels like a real boundary.

Me, I'm not that flexible. About every six months, I need a tune-up or a reminder about why flexible just doesn't work for us. If I offer N/BPDx something above and beyond what we have, I need to accept that he will be difficult or nasty, and not let it get to me. I'm now at the point that unless S12 asks for extra time with his dad, I don't offer. If N/BPDx asks for something extra with S12, he needs to write a straightforward email that says what the event is, when, plus drop off and pick up information. No abuse. No stonewalling. No name-calling.

That's pretty much how it works now. If he has something special in mind, he writes a no-nonsense email, matter of fact, all the details, and I say yes or no. No drama.

I think a key point is why these requests are made.  Are they due to good, practical reasons, in your view?  Or is he just creating chaos?

I often write my ex and kids an e-mail something like this:

"I need to travel this Thursday, back Friday afternoon."

When the kids were smaller, I added, "If you can pick them up after school Thursday, and get them to school Friday morning, I'll pick them up after school Friday."

Now I usually just say when I'll be gone, and let the kids work it out with their mom.  (They're 15 and 17 now.)

If my ex fussed about this, she would be unreasonable, because I'm traveling for work, and only asking her to make small, practical changes.

But if I was traveling for some other reason, she would be right to object.

Thanks for the responses. Livednlearned I just got the reminder of why I just can't live outside the plan ever! With a couple of days without daycare coming up I suggested we could each take a day even though I could take both days with my work. He's been asking for an alteration each week and even somehow getting info from daycare before me. Now he wants to know why I am allowing him the day because <insert projection and crazy talk here>. It's wild stuff! Doesn't want to get caught in my games! I have replied back multiple times keeping it business and clearly stating I can cover the day if he cannot. He has yet to definitively confirm he will take the day but continues the projection and insisting I answer his question. Latest one suddenly he is tired of me using him for my benefit and me not being open and that I'm making demands he accommodates. Mind you I NEVER ask for any alterations. Yipes!

Hate the drama and head my mind reeling from the crazy talk and wondering how he got from one point to the next. Next time I'll just cover any days there is no daycare. Not worth the numerous emails and the "favor". I will stick to alterations only for work related reasons (which is mainly what I do - only for valid reason and not just because).

Sometimes I just need someone else to tell me I'm not acting mean or ridiculous because man is it hard to keep the perspective on the situation and keep things clear despite what I know of him!