BPDFamily.com

I just need to rant and let out my feelings at this moment in time.

This is how my week has been: I convinced my bfBPD to go into detox for alcohol. It didn't last. He stayed for 2 days, not even. He badgered me until I picked him up (45 mins. from where I live). Now, I have spent so much money already on him, whether it be gas, food, etc. The whole time we were driving back, he gave me the silent treatment. Then I had to drop him off and he told me he'd talk to me later.

That night, he asked me to pick him up to go to my place. When I picked him up he was in an extremely weird and angry mood. He was either on something or just having an episode. As we were driving, he then told me he didn't want to come back to my place (this all transpired at around midnight). He then got out of the car. I tried begging him to come back in. He didn't. So I left. Then, when I got home, he told me to come back to get him. I refused.

The next day, I get an accidental call from him. I saw on FB that he had found $40.00 on the ground and he was so happy. So, long story short, he meant to call someone to buy a $40.00 bag of heroin (and he was particularly chipper and sounded quite "normal" during this accidental phone call). He knew he was caught. By me. I told him if he did it, I'd be upset. He hung up.

So, now I'm worrying. Feeling betrayed. Lied to. Not cared about.

I, then, became weak and asked him if I could come over his place the next day. I saw that he had been drinking with a friend. I bought them some beer, thinking it would help him stay in a better mood with me. It usually does, but I'm always the enabler and loser at the end.

Now he's just treating me with hostility and distance. I seem to beg him to communicate. I feel like I'm sabotaging my small amount of dignity at this point JUST to make him treat me better... . like he did before.

I'm going insane. I'm sick, both mentally and physically. I cant believe I'm going through this again.

During this whole time, I am worried.

I am sorry you are going through all this - I know it can be super exhausting and scary. 

Do you happen to have a T or an alanon support group that helps you to "reboot" during these times?   

Well, I used to go to Alanon years back, but I haven't gone since. I'm trying to find some online support  groups. I just feel so alone.

I am sure you feel alone - that is normal based on what you have been through.  The truth is, you are not, but you probably do need some in person support, I am sure.

Alanon usually has some meetings daily in most cities - maybe it is time to try that for some support... . online is good - but in person might help with that alone feeling a bit more.  Those folks have been in your exact shoes and sometimes that validation can be so rewarding.

Do you have family members  near where you live?

Yes, I do. But most of them do not know I am still in a relationship with him. They hate him... . so much.

So, it's like I'm trying to understand that I need to just let go. He hurts me so much, yet I don't have the strength to let go because I'm desperately afraid of abandonment and being replaced. The heartwrenching thought of the loss of him is too much right now.

That must be hard on you to have that kind of a secret.


We let go when we are ready - unfortunately it is usually when the pain of holding on is worse than that pain of letting go.

Let's focus on the now, something smaller -  do you want to try and find an alanon meeting to get some of that much needed support and caring from folks who totally get exactly what you are going through?

Yes, I do.

and yes, it is extremely hard keeping that secret away from those I love the most.

I'm going to try to find a meeting, but it just seems like this situation is so unique, but it probably isn't... . because it's ruining my life.

Unique, probably in the technical details... . but your emotional turmoil from those details is pretty common - and that is a good thing.  Hearing that you are not alone and that someone else really "gets" you is going to help with that lonely feeling you mentioned early on.  Getting a good handle on that loneliness will help you in making rational choices moving forward.

Right now, you have been through a lot - stay focused on the small stuff - getting you some more support.  Think of it like you are in an airplane and they say in an emergency put your air mask on first, before helping anyone else.  Let's get your air mask on.

Did you find some options for meetings in your area today?

I haven't yet considering so much is going on outside of this insane situation.

I just can't help obsessing over it. We're still together. I'm still with him everyday. And then when we part ways, I obsess all over again and it's so hard to just think of myself and the things I need/want to do.

It's ok to still be together, no need to break up totally right now -just some space for you to find your own balance - did you find the time to go to an alanon meeting yet?