BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

I have been out of my relationship with my uBPDxgf for almost three years. Just like everyone else on this board it was a shi*t show of a break up. She left me for my ex-friend, got engaged three weeks after we split, and they eventually married about a year later.

I rarely think of my ex anymore these days even though we were together for almost 7 years. I have been dating this wonderful woman for two years and will in a couple of weeks ask her to marry me. All these thoughts of marriage has got me thinking again about my ex and my replacement. From what I can gather (which isn't a lot because I have been strict NC), both of them are still happily married and going strong. It makes me wonder... . WTH? What happened to the beautiful yet coo coo for coco puffs nutjob I dated for years? It makes me wonder what magical powers my replacement actually has to keep that crazy girl sane for so long.

It was always easy to just shrug my shoulders and say "Oh well, she's a nut job, nothing can be done", but now I'm wondering, what was it that I did wrong to have that woman hate me so much to lie and cheat and then discard me like nothing was wrong after all I did for her. And finally when does the BPD come out in it's full blown glory? I soo want my replacement to feel what all of her exes felt... . and in this case it is well deserved. Is it possible that my ex finally found her knight in shining armour who has finally rescued her from the perils of this world? Just some things I'm thinking about.

Sweetheart 

   Congrats on your pending engagement. How exciting! So happy to hear you have an amazing woman in your life.

Can you share how you are set to propose?

(Sorry us women love these things :)

Trust me, I get how you feel. Know that their marriage is not all peaches and cream. If she was nutty then she is still nutty... . she just may have found someone more dysfunctional.

Let me rephrase... . she found someone weaker and more easy to manipulate than you.  I am not calling you dysfunctional :)

You can keep ruminating over this bad relationship but you will never have closure other than you are getting married to this awesome (and lucky:) new lady. Do not blame yourself. Practice forgiveness and letting go. There are some interesting techniques that help... .

look up: ho'openopono, a Hawaiian forgiveness techique. This has helped me in the past and hopefully it will help you a little as you let go what you have no control over:

www.wanttoknow.info/070701imsorryiloveyoujoevitale

I hope you have a wonderful engagement and keep us posted!

You and her were together for seven years (a understanding pat on the back to you) and he and her have been together for about three years and now you wonder what has changed? I will tell you what I think has changed. Her partners. He is living the exact replicated loop of a ___ storm you once endured. There is no silver lining to her PD hurricane, there is no calm after her disordered wh0rnado. He gets up in the morning in the same Kansas with that same exhausted What the heck feeling that we all here know so well. As has been so succinctly described over and over on these boards... . it was just his turn to ride the damaged and worn village tricycle to his own wounded conclusions.

Further more, my take on the subject is whom in their right mind engages and commits for marriage to a PD after three short weeks of idealization and love bombing? She must be a desperately smooth operator with some serious sexo skills or your ex friend is a dupe of the third degree. Either way, hopefully, before seven long years passes him by, he will smarten up and be here on these boards displaying all the gory details and wounds of his own mephisto waltz into that very special place of dark personal disillusionment and doubting chaos.

Fear not my friend that you were special in some way to her. We are all the same face at the end of the dance. You and he, and all the others, are just another warm body in the revolving clown car of her life. Accept the fact that you as a result of your own individual reasons rode that crazy train for far far too long and to this very day still carry bits and pieces of this horrific tour through madness deep within the recesses of your life experience. Like combat survivors we are perhaps forever haunted by the memories and the unjustified collateral reasons for this slaughter of the innocents.  

The very worst we can do at this juncture is to carry this noticeable lingering unresolved scar on your self worth as a human being into your present relationships. I'd refrain from marriage proposals until you have this poisonous "doubt" settled in your own mind once and for all and it is buried far below your present reality with a stake set firmly in its heart without an identifying head stone. No flowers, no rationalizing eulogy, no tears, no cold midnight grave yard visits. Dead... . gone... . OVER.

I know it is hard, even years later, but until we can truly move on and forward into our future as healthy and viable partners for those who do not know what we have come to understand, we MUST truly grieve and release the past and forgive ourselves for the end result of the choices we so freely and singularly made. Give your present partner the respect she deserves to live a life with you that is truly free of the doubting ghosts and hauntings of a war that she did not engage. That would be your shining badge of courage and honor.

Shadow Dancer,

    Whornado.

Love it.  :)

Rare form SD. Great post

I understand how you feel and sometimes I have those same thoughts as my situation was similar.

What I have learned, is those thoughts tend to creep in when I am feeling insecure or scared - not in my normal day in/day out life.  My guess is since you are about to do something very awesome, yet very scary - it is pushing those "not enough" buttons, thus the thought patterns.  It is natural and normal, just not a place to focus on very long.


Forgiveness - a hard pill to swallow.  The fact is - you have no idea about their relationship really and you are poised for a real marriage and true happiness.  Forgive them (not saying forget) so you can get that toxic waste out of your life... . so you can think about your own future.

This is an exciting time for you and no doubt pushing a few buttons... . that is totally ok.  Glad you shared it here as it will likely help you and others.

Good luck!

SB

Just imagine the devaluation that will follow for that person since they are still together. A category 5 hurricane of god awful behavior and silent treatment and the subtle/overt allowance that the orbiters who hover, must be getting. That person, may very well be a future member of this forum one day.

Perfidy I know you know... . When the going gets weird, the strange turn pro. *)

Well put, SD.  Oh, I know that exhausted What the heck feeling all-too-well!  And I don't miss it after getting divorced from my BPDxW.  LJ

Thanks for the reply. You did remind of things that I had forgotten about. In regards to a lingering "doubt", I don't have any. I am 100% sure that my last relationship was dead from the get go the minute we started dating, not because of anything that we did, but of who she ultimately turned out to be. I don't question this in a "longing to be with her" sort of way, I question this more in a "food for thought" sort of way. I have read on these boards time and again that Bpds don't change, and yet in my situation it appears that perhaps my ex has. Perhaps Seeking Balance is correct, perhaps something in me is triggered. Marriage has always been a big decision for me, something I have never taken lightly. The thought of marrying this woman who I love with my entire being scares the living crap out of me. Those are my insecurities, nothing to do with my ex. I wanted to marry my ex at one point, however she continuously proved to me that she could not sustain a committed relationship, which ultimately killed my desire to marry her. Reconsidering marriage again has really triggered me I think. Hhhhhmmmm? Perhaps this has nothing to do with my ex at all... . more food for thought... .

Hi gettingoverit,

I have only been posting for a couple months, however, I found this site a couple of years ago and only read at that point and was off for a year or so after recycle and then back after final discard. I recognized your name and story from back then. Your ex and friend getting married. I remember how devastated you were ( as of course we all are.) But I remember yours over many others. That's a pretty brutal story.

Obviously, take this with a grain of salt because only you can know for sure what is right for you and I don't know you but... I'm just going to say it.

This may be the most perfect woman you are about to become engaged to and you may be right for each other and love her very much however, the fact that you are even here on this site might indicate that there is more work to be done on your healing. Obviously, marriage is a huge commitment and one that should not be taken lightly and love is only part of what makes a marriage work. Of course you know this so don't mean to sound preachy.

I am not sure that if you were ready to get married that that would trigger you to come here. Even just to commiserate. I would think that yes of course you might have passing thoughts but it seems more than that.

You have been through a devastating experience. If you have been with her for 2 years that means you started this relationship fairly soon after before the healing could even possibly be complete. It's possible you may have repressed certain things that could come out in the marriage.

You owe it to this woman to go into a marriage whole. Not just for love or companionship... . Does she know your struggles? If a man asked me to marry him yet still was on a site talking about his ex and I didn't know I have to say I would be very hurt (devastated) and feel he wasn't ready for me or all in. I would feel betrayed. There should be no other woman on your mind but her if you are truly ready.

I guess all I'm saying is be careful and what's the hurry? You even said yourself you thought you wanted to marry your ex at one point. It's not enough to be sure she is the one. You have to be sure you are ready. For your sake and most of all her sake. If you truly truly love her you will make sure you are ready.

Sorry, I hope I'm not out of line but this is what jumped out at me. I had even decided to stop posting but saw this and was compelled to post. Sorry don't mean to rain on your parade. I could be wrong.

I walk

Excellent post shadowdancer! I appreciate your way with words and authenticity.

I too am nearly 3 yrs. out, but I was married for 32 yrs. and had no idea there was a problem until he left.  That's when I found out about the lies and cheating.  That is when he turned into the "beast."  He has been with the one he left me for for at least 3 yrs.  We have been divorced for less than a yr.  They bought a house together last summer, and then they got married in Oct.  The house he bought looks like the one I am renting right now.  They got married on the anniversary of my father's death (dates are very important to him).  From what little I have seen, he is controlling their relationship and still obsessing over me.  I'm just glad that I'm not the one who just signed a 30 yr. mortgage with him.  She's no picnic either.  She abandoned her husband for mine.  They deserve each other.  I know he isn't happy.  He is a functional alcoholic.  He drinks to stop the crazy.  Good luck.  I know him too well.  I don't want that any more.  I don't know how I put up with what I put up with for as long as I did.  I know how hard it can be to try not to obsess.  I just try to remember that he is no longer my problem.  Concentrate on your bride to be.  She deserves your attention.

Hey gettingoverit, you are definitely being triggered with your upcoming engagement to your gf. It is an entirely natural feeling to have and to think about at a time like this. 7 years is a long time, even if you were 70 years old, that's a tenth of your life and really a fifth of your adult life. Entirely natural to wonder about your BPDex at a time like this. Also entirely natural for you to be scared to death about getting married to the woman you love -- change is scary! Sometimes the best things in life mean taking a scary risk, isn't that true?

You can only live your own life the best you can. 

Don't worry too much.  I had a non BPD ex fiance who had trouble committing and when he married I wondered what was wrong with me.  It is so natural.  When xBPD crazy psycho got married, I also wondered (and also asked) why not me? 

You are being triggered by marriage.  It's 3 years in... . you lasted 7. That's another 4 years. All I can say is don't look at the surface, you don't know what's really going on.  When I was with crazy voldemort, I put on such an act in front of others of how happy I was, how good looking we were together, how loving he was and how we were the perfect couple. That's what I wanted others to believe because that's what I wanted to believe. Happy profile pictures on Facebook, sweet messages publicly and lots of loving happy update statuses. Doesn't mean a thing.  Instead, kind of indicative that trouble is brewing.  I don't really know many truly happy couples that feel the need for the world to see how happy they truly are.  The only people who knew the real mistreatment were those who were close enough to see it, because I never spoke about it.